A Slice of Destiny

The ceiling of The Great Kitchen is so vast and so tall that large clouds swirl above and cut off the tops of the endless arraignment of marble pillars. Down on the floor, the stone floor rises and falls, making hills and valleys. Flowing streams of water, milk, broth, and wine flow on the carved and ancient terrain. Fields of wheat, orchards of fruit trees, deep caverns of salt, and more can be found throughout the realm, an endless supply of ingredients and resources.

In the center of it all is Mount Clibano, where Akallbus, The Great Chef, sits on his stone throne and greets an infinite line of Offey — food souls — as they return from their Earthly tasks.

Akallbus is adorned with a regal rose robe, and on his shoulders are large topaz crystals set in gold. His tall crown is made of wispy white clouds, and five star-studded bands of silver bind his beard.

Therosso, the many-winged, blue-cloaked herald, floats above the line as Offey approach, and he announces their names to Akallbus.

"Drethriggios, who was assigned the form of an iced vanilla latte," Therosso says in a refined and smooth voice.

Drethriggios is now in his core form, a floating orb with two arm-like appendages that hold up an iced vanilla latte on a glass plate.

"Tell me, Drethriggios, of your Earthly task," Akallbus says in a booming yet calm voice.

"Akallbus, I was drunk by a graphic designer who was running late for work. I gave her the energy to get through a stressful morning," the orb says.

"Then you accomplished your task well, good work. You may go forth to The Great Pantry until you are needed once again," The Great Chef says.

The latte and the glass dish then dissolves in the air. Drethriggios nods and disappears himself.

"Trumbarris, who was assigned the form of a sirloin steak," the herald says.

Trumbarris comes forth, also in his core form, holding a steak on a glass dish.

"Tell me, Trumbarris, of your Earthly task," Akallbus says.

"Akallbus, I was prepared by a chef in Chicago and eaten by an older gentleman on his birthday. I filled his stomach along with Yuritallis, who was in the form of mashed potatoes, and Junnice, who was in the form of broccoli."

"Then you accomplished your task well, good work. You may go forth to The Great Pantry until you are needed once again," The Great Chef says.

Trumbarris then disappears, as does his steak.

"Now," Therosso says. "We have eight Offey who were assigned to be slices of chocolate cake from Marietta's Bakery in Philadelphia. The first is Regitho."

"Tell me, Regitho, of your Earthly task," says Akallbus.

“Akallbus,” says Regitho. "I was eaten by a young couple who purchased me on a date. I filled their stomachs and made them smile."

"Then you accomplished your task well, good work. You may go forth to The Great Pantry until you are needed once again," The Great Chef says.

Now, Oogentho steps forth hesitantly.

"Akallbus," she says. "Unfortunately, I was purchased by a mother and given to her toddler. The child dropped me on the floor, and I was promptly discarded."

Akallbus is silent for a moment.

"Then, Oogentho, you shall have another Earthly task. Yet, such a discarding must have been traumatic. As such, I will assign you an easier assignment. How does a dollar slice of pizza in New York sound? No doubt, you will be quickly eaten."

"Akallbus, that sounds wonderful, thank you."

Oogentho then takes a right and goes down toward the Lands of Preparation.

"Now, we have Wesseltho, assigned to be the third slice of cake," says the herald.

"Tell me, Wesseltho, of your Earthly task," said Akallbus.

"Akallbus, I was bought by a philosopher. He ate me and washed me down with Ronwhitt, a glass of whiskey. I filled his stomach as he read aloud his thesis on the futility of existence."

"Then you accomplished your task well, good work. You may go forth to The Great Pantry until you are needed once again," The Great Chef says.

Wesseltho's slice of chocolate cake and plate disappears. He then begins to fade himself.

"Wait, hold on," Wesseltho says, and the disappearance reverses.

“Yes, Wesseltho?” Akallbus says.

"Can I ask you a question?" Wesseltho says.

"Of course," says The Great Chef. "What is it?"

"How come the cake, as a whole, wasn't just one soul? Like, you assigned eight of us to the cake in the form of slices. Why not just one Offey for the whole cake?"

"Well, Wesseltho, it was because each of the slices had specific tasks. There were eight different tasks to fulfill, several humans to receive nourishment. And you all helped humans thrive. Well, except maybe Oogentho, but she will have another chance."

"Runetho too, he fell into the trash," Wesseltho says.

"Hey!" cries the Offey next in line.

"Well, Runetho and I will discuss what his next assignment will be when it's his turn. Now, Wesseltho, are you ready for The Great Pantry? You’ve earned your rest.”

"Actually, I have another question," he says.

"Okay," says Akallbus.

"That steak guy, how come he's an Offey and not the spirit of a cow?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Like, he was made from a steak, which was from a cow. So, what, the cow's body had an Offey, and the cow's soul was just a cow? What does that say for the leather his skin turned into? Is there a whole other celestial world of souls for clothing and fabrics?" Wesseltho says.

"Well, when you were a cake, the cake was made of wheat, chocolate, sugar, and even eggs. All of those things came from other things that were alive. So, it's the same thing," Akallbus says, learning forward as he explains.

"Yeah, but the question remains. Where's the wheat's soul? The cocoa plant's soul? The egg? Well, an egg seems like it would be a whole thing. But, still, where do we fit into all that?"

"You were assigned to be a slice of cake. Trumbarris was a steak. Other souls, other beings, we're all part of bringing you all to Earth at that moment. It's part of the Great Recipe of Life."

"Right, right," Wesseltho says with his arm up to where his chin would be if he weren't made of only light now.

"So, are we good?" Akallbus says.

"Not yet. So, like, how come Oogentho and Runetho have to return to Earth?"

"Keep me out of this," Runetho says from the line.

"Because they didn't complete their tasks."

"Well, what if their tasks were to fall? Like, what if Oogentho was meant to be a lesson for that kid that dropped her?"

"No. They're supposed to nourish a human."

"But, who says? I mean, there's food that is considered art out now. That sculpture made out of marshmallows in the museum, that's inspiring tons of people. Maybe the Offey in that sculpture has a different task? Also, how many Offeys are in that thing? One Offey per marshmallow? There's like over two thousand marshmallows in that thing."

"Wesseltho, The Great Chef is very busy," says Therosso.

"Yeah, let's get going!" says an Offey holding a box of crackers.

"And that guy!" shouts Wesseltho. "That box of crackers was one Offey, but the cake was eight?"

"Only one guy ate the whole box of crackers," says Akallbus. "In one sitting."

"So that's the rule, then? I mean, I'm just asking. Trying to make sense of all this existence stuff. I mean, if that philosopher knew what was really going on with food, he would lose his mind!"

Akallbus sighs and rubs his face.

"I'm sure it's all very distressing if you have this many questions, child," he says.

"Oh, we're your children? Because the cake was baked by --" Wesseltho tries to say.

“But,” Akallbus interrupts. "You just need to know that you are important, you are essential, and you help the humans fulfill their destinies."

Wesseltho stays quiet for a moment.

"I gotcha," he says. "Just one more question."

"Go for it," Akallbus says, deflated.

"The philosopher had a pantry full of canned goods. Were all those old cans filled with Offeys who had unfilled destinies?"

"Yep."

"Wait, for real?"

"For real," says the kingly chef. "Until they expire. Then, they come back for another assignment."

"What about food that takes years and years to expire? Like that freeze-dried astronaut stuff?"

Akallbus stares at Wesseltho for a moment without a reaction.

"Do you really want to find out?"

"Yessir. I want to find out all this stuff."

"Then, I have a special assignment for you."

Some of the Offey gasp in the line.

"The first manned trip to Mars. The food has to be able to stay edible for years and years. Then, when they arrive on Mars, all the food will help build a new community. The entire idea of life as they know it will be put into question. Are you ready?" Akallbus says.

"Let's do this!" Wesseltho shouts while dancing in place.

"Report back to me with your findings, Wesseltho," Akallbus says.

"I won't let you down! Oh wait, one more, why are we all named such weird names?" he says as he disappears toward his assignment.

The Great Kitchen is silent for a moment.

"All right, now then," Akallbus says. "Let's hear what happened to you, Runetho. Hopefully there were no philosophers involved."