98 — Shenanigans and Such: a Treatise on Dipshits, Assholes, and Combobulations

My name's Tom Foolery, and I'm always in the nitty gritty with my shenanigans. Whether it be horseplay, brouhaha, or general rigamarole, I jump from the frying pan into the fire with all of my hijinks. Some call it hanky panky; I call it being discombobulated.

I've paid the price, faced the music, and done my time.

My pitter-patter's willy-nilly, all pell-mell when I'm in the thick of it--up to my ass in alligators. I'm namby-pamby and wishy-washy. My helter-skelter chitchat is a shitload of jabberwocky mumbo jumbo because I zigzag with ragtag riffraff. I can't hack derring-do, much less grow a pair.

I'm just shitty, wearing hoity-toity like stink on shit. I'm ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag. Without a leg to stand on, if I had a wooden leg I'd be shit-on-a-stick. You can't eat shit sandwiches if you don't like bread--so I'm shit-out-outa-luck. I float my boat up Shit's Creek.

I'm a dipshit.

"Dipshit":

A stupid or incompetent person. (Usually vulgar.) --Merriam-Webster

Usually? At least I'm not an asshole.

"Asshole":

Anus. A stupid, annoying, or detestable person. --Merriam-Webster

Stupid, annoying, or detestable--but not incompetent. Assholes are competent. My incompetence is why I'm a dipshit and not an asshole.

I'm constantly putting out fires after I cut to the quick. I've seen seesaws yet know what I see but deny what I saw. I know what I am and not what I know. I see seafood food.

I weave tangled webs of clusterfucks, my mouth running with brainfarts. I wag, telling tails told by an idiot. Running things up the flagpole in spaghetti storms, I see what sticks.

I'm a cliché, ne'er-do-well, and good-f0r-nothin'. They said I'd never amount to anything, but I showed 'em and amounted to less. When all's said and done, I won't spill the beans sayin' what I've done.

I throw good money after bad, borrow trouble, and always miss the boat, except for the one up Shit's Creek without my paddle.

When I kick the bucket, I know I can't take it with me, but I plan on re-combobulating and taking other people's stuff with me. Try n' stop me, asshole, 'cause you're up against a dipshit!

________________

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

This treatise originally was presented as my PhD candidacy thesis on Mazlow's Hierarchy of Miscreants, performed by the Bridge-on-the-River Choir, at the Symbionese Liberation Navy Academy. No assholes were harmed in the writing of this story-of-the-day.

There are currenly three Vocal creators participating in the Story-a-Day Challenge:

• Gerard DiLeo (myself)
• L.C. Schäfer, challenge originator
• Rachel Deeming

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THIS SUBMISSION:

Word count (excluding notes): 366

Submitted for Sunday, April 7, 2024

2024: A Story-a-Day for the whole year. This one is #98.

All pictures are AI-generated, but the assholes were portrayed as themselves.