6 - Silence

6 – Silence

Do you ever feel like your mind is overrun by nonsense? The screams defining inside your mind. Do you ever just wish you could turn the volume to zero so you can collect your thoughts together?

My mind was full of the past, voices screaming to be released, but I couldn’t find the power to motivate myself.

Several doctors and therapist puzzled over the idea for many years, at this point in my life is was as though nothing would help.

I woke on a Sunday morning, late around 11.30 am and made myself downstairs pouring myself cereal. On the outside I appeared as a zombie but inside a whole crowd of screaming soul drained my body.

I knew my mother was worried. It had been just over 1 year since my father jumped in front of a car on the motorway. She worried that part of my DNA was built like that and secretly thought I would do the same even though I had told time and time again I wouldn’t that, not in a million years. Still, she panicked, always staring at me from across the sofa at me finishing off my meals.

“I thought we could visit the park; you know when we were little.”

But little meant dad was still the picture. The thought of doing previous things we all did together didn’t seem right.

“Okay, then what do you want to do?”

I paused.

The sound of the letterbox and letters hitting the ground from the hallway echoed in the dining room.

“I’ll get it.” I dashed out the room, anything to distract myself.

As I shuffled through the letters, mostly address to mum, one small brown envelope stood out from the rest, addressed to me.

Still standing in front of the door I squeezed my fingers into the paper opening the letter. It was just a normal letter, white, ink to paper but no address at the top hand corner. It appears it was written not officially, but casually.

It read as follows:

Dear Miss Ainsley,

We are writing to inform you that you have been chosen in a new trial. This treatment has never been trailed anywhere in the world apart from a little commune on a Japanese island. This treatment is for anyone who has been grieving about the loss of a loved one very close to them and finding it difficult to adjust to everyday life.

We are sorry that we cannot tell you anything further about this but if you do choose to come along, we will guide you every step of the way.

Please come along on Tuesday 5th September at 15:00. If you are interested, please text the number below and we will send you GPS to the location,

Hope to see you,

The Establishment.

I looked over the letter many times before taking the information in, it had to be a scam, but I was intrigued, what if something could really help?

I took my phone from my jeans pocket and started to research, first ‘A little Japanese island commune’ which seemed to show a group of villagers on a beach surrounded by loved ones. I then started typing ‘The Establishment’ with little success, all that was shown was just a definition, but scrolling to images, about four rows down, a logo of an urn in shadow, with the words ‘The Establishment’ in gold lettering, the same that matched that on the letter.

I clicked hoping to take me to a website but all that was shown was a black screen and written in the centre a golden question mark reading:

“It’s your choice.”

I sighed to myself and texted the number on the letter. Soon enough a pin drop for the location appeared that was only one bus ride away.

“Are you alright?” Mum called. I didn’t want to worry her about this and maybe it was just false hope, but I just wanted the screams to be drowned.

Tuesday rolled around sooner than I expected, luckily, mum was in work till 6pm as a local nurse so I could slip out without being investigated.

The bus was quiet, I stared out of the steam covered windows from the rain looking at the world walking by.

It was odd I hadn’t noticed the building before but as the bus drove nearer a large concrete building appeared in view.

When I was walking towards it, it felt much bigger than before. There were head to foot windows around the ground floor with their logo sitting on the entrance door.

“Excuse me, I have an appointment today at 3pm.” I asked nervously at the front desk. A middle-aged man rose from his chair and smiled.

“Just sign in and I will take you up.”

I sloppily wrote my name and time in the visitor book and followed him to the elevator full of mirrors were he pressed the second floor.

We didn’t seem to be going up very long when the ding of the bell rang and the doors opened slowly.

“Just straight ahead and it’s the door on the left.” He smiled while I gingerly moved out watching the doors close and the lift disappearing downwards. I walked nervously up the corridor which was very bland with strange pictures of urns of different colours and materials in picture frames.

The door on the left stood in front of me. Breathing deeply, I pushed the door open to see a two other people dressed in white, a male and female that seemed to resemble each other.

“Welcome! We are the leaders of The Establishment and yes we are twins if you were wondering.”

I nodded unsurely which seemed to show as one of them smiled back.

“There’s nothing to be worried about, let’s get you step up and we can tell you what’s going to happen.”

Two other patients sat together. One an older man, the other a boy about my own age. The old man’s wife had taken an overdose and he couldn’t cope with life. For the boy, he saw the death of his baby sister as she mistakenly drank bleach.

We were all told to sit on black leather chairs. Above us all, something that resembled an astronaut helmet and blow drier hung above our heads.

“This is a virtual treatment where you can see and speak to your loved ones in real time. The idea is that once you have departed the mind will have said goodbye, releasing endorphins into the mind.”

It seemed suspect that this would work, but as I thought it would be for the best, the woman was now placing the device on my head.

It happened almost instantly; I was transported to the local park. My father sitting on a bench in front of me, my heart skipped a beat walking closer towards him...

Something was wrong, as he turned his head his features were gone. It was dad but he had no smile, no kindly eyes, it was a nightmare. I screamed reaching for the helmet to pull off but it was as though I wasn’t even in the room anymore.

I tried to speak but nothing came from my voice box. I couldn’t think, nothing was inside my mind, it really was as though someone had switched the volume to zero, it wasn’t pleasant, it was hell.