23 of 50 Songs and Chapters Dedicated to the Friend I Lost Too Soon

Money.

That's what I saw when I woke up. I could smell it in the air, so heavily I could practically taste it, and the cha-ching it screamed rested on my lobes as an unexpected but pleasant guest.

Jewee was beautiful. Hair gelled back tightly but loose enough to appreciate the kinks of his curls, dressed head to toe in an entirely black suit with the top two buttons undone, and the cologne being one I've never known of before but that somehow suited him perfectly he was money itself. He'd sweat dollar signs and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised.

Where the heck is he going dressed like that?

"Morning, Cricket," he called out. He didn't turn to look at me, but he noticed I was awake through the reflection in the mirror he was using to make some minor adjustments. "How was it sleeping in my room, the room of luxury? I hope it was good because I had to sleep on the living room couch, and I didn't think I'd have to leave this room last night. How can you just fall asleep like that, Shyne?"

So he's given me a shorter nickname now. Okay.

I heard him loud and clear from beginning to end, but I pretended I didn't. Sitting up to shamelessly look him up and down, I spoke before my throat would run dry, because I knew it'd be coming soon.

"Hey Gray," I paused, cheeks going red to look at him. I attempted to mock the name he gave me, though I admit I didn't hate it. It was just for the fun of it. "Truth or dare?"

He went on combing through certain strands of his hair, but he didn't question me. "Truth," he replied, without hesitation. He played along. That was cute.

"What's your credit card number?"

In the mirror, he found me again, an 'x' of playful offense on his forehead. "Dare." He changed his mind.

"I dare you to give me your credit card number."

"Oh come on now, Princess." He stomped his foot. I wouldn't have noticed but it had to be on the one spot on his floor that creaked. That's why I was able to. "Why are you being like that. You just woke up."

"Pfft. You're dressed accordingly to your net-worth and you expect me not to ask? You should've expected it. You know me well enough."

"Fine. I'll give you that," he straightened his collar. He gave himself one last look until he let himself turn around. We faced each other for the first time this morning. "Do you think I'm overdressed?"

I stood up, making my way to him. Even after all the effort he's made to make his collar straight, it was still lopsided. I straightened it for him. "It depends where you're going, Gray. Context, friend. I need context."

Jewee walked to the door to exit the room, expecting me to follow. Bed head and all, looking like trash beside him, I hesitated, but I did anyway. He was in a rush for last minute items that we tend to take with us everywhere, everyday, doing his best to locate them. "They chose a girl to play your role. Talia Rodrigo is her name -- I don't know if you've heard of her, but we're supposed to meet up with each other and the rest of the cast, just to get acquainted before we get the script. I'm freaking out, Shyne. You don't even know."

"Then I don't think I'd know if you're overdressed. I've never been," I sat down at the table, biting into an apple. "Why freak out? Haven't you done stuff like this all the time before?"

"Maybe, yeah." Keys dangled in his hand. "Your novel generated a good percentage of young eyes meaning the movie is PG. Family-friendly, you get? The level of romance is the kind with light kisses and quick pecks. I've never done that before."

I furrowed my brows. "Are you kidding me? You have millions of movies out there, rated R, where you're literally doing the dirty and you can't kiss a girl for one second?"

"Yes, that's what I'm saying," he nodded like he couldn't sense what I thought was a contradiction. He thought what he was saying was justifiable, but he knew by my tone that I didn't, and he decided to try proving his side of the story wasn't senseless. "Think it's weird if you must, but portraying that kind of emotion is new to me. This is the kind of movie that has to have so much chemistry that the audience will start squealing because the leads brush fingertips. They should nearly pass away at a kiss and it's going to be done with a woman that as of now, I've never met in my life. It's not that simple. I have to get close to this girl fast to get that level of chemistry."

"'Kay. I'll trust you. I'm not an actress so I wouldn't know," I shrugged. "But I'm pretty sure you'll do great. You always do. I don't get why you have to freak out about it."

"Thanks." He made his way to the door, hand on the knob. "I gotta get going if I want to be on time."

"You're letting me stay here alone?"

Jewee smiled a small smile. "I'll trust you," he responded gently using my words, disappearing outside as the door shut behind him. I didn't notice this was coming even a second before he got to the door, but being in his house by myself felt lonely.

I watched his car go out of sight, becoming just another in the sea of vehicles, and I almost wished he didn't trust me. I wished he didn't trust me if it meant that we'd stay together.

Love sucks, I'm learning. It's horrible. People say you find home in it like shelter from the storm, but what you're finding home in is the opening of your chest and of your heart. Are people proud to let the world know that someone slyly succeeded in getting into our heads?

I'm not.

This must be what people mean when you find home in your vulnerability. That means you fell anyway with certainty that you won't be caught. It means the ground isn't going to welcome you like soft pillows or a bouncy trampoline.

It means my oozing blood is guaranteed, and that in more ways than one, I was going to die.

~

Elegance.

That is definitely something I didn't think I'd find myself bumping into today.

I've turned endless circles on the couch in the living room. Upside down, right-side up, and back again. Straightened out across its length, curled up into a tiny ball and so on.

It was one of the scenes in a movie that directors liked to use to express that time was passing, or that the character was bored. I never expected in a million years that I would be the realistic human embodiment, -- no person actually does that --but here I am, reaching achievements I didn't care to achieve, and what nobody else would either.

But what's true about those scenes are the consistent tick tick tick tick tick that spills over you like wine on your brand new white shirt. There's that moment that comes after hours of trying, that you realize it's not going to go away, and that's where I was now. Coming to terms with that irritating fact that time is passing, mocking me as it counts down my life.

I last forever, and you don't, it says to me, and I can't help but to pout. It's crazy how we always want what we can't have. When we have life, we want to die, and when we're dying, we wish our bodies couldn't crumble. Even something to that extreme, we want it when we can't reach it, and it only came to me when I noticed the grand clock he had up against his wall by his front door -- what I wouldn't have realized if Jewee was still home.

And then came a sound even worse. The door bell, so loud and echo-ey the whole house shook. When I wasn't up and at it in a second, a trio of knocks followed it too. I took slow footsteps to the door before opening it. If it were Jewee, he would've barged in already, so I took a peek through the textured glass to find a woman around my age standing at the doorstep.

I couldn't see her very well if I didn't turn the knob, but I didn't have to. A look at her blurry outline and it was obvious she was the kind with a beautiful face -- the kind that people would suffer a double-take from when they saw her. She had long, flowy hair cascading down her back, ending at her waist like in the shampoo commercials, and intensely white teeth, the sun could hardly shine when she was smiling.

I was the embodiment of a tick tick tick tick tick and she was the embodiment of elegance, standing right in front of me without giving my self confidence a heads up beforehand.

Ouch. That's gonna leave a mark.

"Hi?" I said, the statement sounding like a question when I opened the door just a crack. "Can I help you with something?"

"Hi. You must be Jaiva Shyne. I'm Talia Rodrigo. I'll be playing you in the upcoming movie. Jewee talked about you some," the woman explained, her hand out to shake mine. I shook it, but timidly, touching only the ends of her fingertips. She eyeballed where our skin touched because I lacked the firm handshake she was expecting.

For a few seconds neither one of us spoke. I wasn't mentally prepared to talk to someone, and she acted lost, like she didn't know what she came here for or like she expected me to know and do all the work in that criteria on my own. When I didn't she came through by herself.

She'd roll her eyes if we were friends, but we weren't. I had a feeling that we weren't gonna be. Especially when she settled on adding in a pinch of spice to her voice despite being our first meeting. "Can I come in? I came to meet up with Jewee. He told me to."

I opened the door a little wider. It was my way of offering proof that he wasn't home. "He's not here," I clarified it verbally, though I thought the gesture was enough, so it was for certain it'd get across. It felt strange to me to offer hospitality to someone I first of all didn't know, and second in behalf of a house that wasn't mine, so I offered against her idea. "But if he told you that, I guess he'll be home soon, and then you can talk it out--."

Talia barged in. "No, no. He told me I could make myself at home."

"Alrighty then," I nodded in annoyance, but turned away from her so she couldn't see me. When I did face her again, my retail days were crawling up to the tips of my lips, coming in handy once more. "So," I started out, pausing as I sat back down on the couch. "What brings you here?"

She searched the decor of pictures, but not how a person would observe someone's house because it was their first time standing in it. She searched through pictures as if she were on some sort of mission, and when she'd glance back at me every so often, I could tell what she was looking for is my face printed on fancy paper and framed on his wall.

Talia Rodrigo, the jealous girlfriend but not-actually-his-girlfriend-at-all type. The type that gets in the way when she has no grounds to do such. If only I could prove it.

Upon hearing my question, she managed to smile innocently, as if none of that was on her mind. "Jewee and I have a date. He just said he'd have to stop by to grab something first so I could wait for him if I needed to."

I blinked. "Oh, you have a date? So soon? Have you met before today?"

"Nope. This morning is the first, but I've known him for years. I'm a big fan."

You and a three million other people and that's just counting his Instagram followers, I nearly said it, but I bit my tongue. "Is that so?" I nodded her on instead. My skin was heating, but I acted as if I wanted to listen to her. "What time's your date?"

"At seven thirty."

"Nice! Where at?"

What I wanted her to do was see her way out, but me and my weakness didn't know how to get her to do that. I was too much of a people pleaser that always had to play polite, even if it was fake.

Talia scoffed. "Ahw, I'm sorry Jaiva. You're awfully interested in me and my love life, aren't you? Because it involves Jewee? Totally understandable. He is definitely a catch! But I don't think he's headed in your direction."

Why is a dying girl any of her concern? How could I be competition when soon enough I won't even be breathing? And since when do pictures in frames prove whether or not two people are dating? Everyone's relationship is different, but what she's chasing is to get her face on his wall like this is Employee of the Month.

This girl drives me nuts. Badly too. I didn't even have the energy to associate with her, but she has the energy to associate with me. She hasn't gotten started yet.

"Well, I might as well run some errands if he's not gonna get here any minute now," she said, still examining her surroundings, but I could sense what appeared to be a goodbye wasn't that simply goodbye. She would try getting in some more nonsense before she left.

And about that, I was right.

"Did you know that according to statistics it's proven that actresses that meet with their in-real-life inspiration, do a lot better on the set and the movie gets better ratings? You should feel good that you contributed to it. Thanks for letting me meet with you quickly."

Oh. Why yes, the movie based off the book that I wrote. I sure do wish I contributed to it. It's almost like I already have, but it's not like that's significant, right?

How much I would've loved to see the look on her face if I said that out loud. That would have given me more pride than anything else I've ever done. Quietly though, I said nothing to her. I just shut up, telling myself that if I didn't respond she would leave faster.

I think I got what I wished for.

"And since you cared to ask, we're gonna go get drinks on Spring Mountain Road. I'll see you around some other time?"

"Yeah, maybe so," I told her, opening the door back up to hurry her leave, respectfully. She did leave, which I thank God for, because it was beginning to look like she'd stay as long as she could.

As she walked away to her classy car that I can't name because I know nothing about vehicles, but that I could tell was expensive, there were ways I noticed we were exactly alike. In bad and good, but especially the bad.

The pettiness. The anger. The hatred. The jealousy. When it resides within us, we feel motivated to act on it. That's our flaw. That's where we fall short, and both of us can linger around someone for no more than five minutes and make them go insane, if that's what we wanted to do. Coming here wasn't for Jewee. It was for me.

She's perfect for the role she has. The casting directors did fantastic, and that terrified me. It terrified me because if Jewee really did choose her one day, it meant I only fell short to his standards in a couple ways.

I was too average, not built for stardom.

I was too unhealthy, not far from death.

Every other flaw that he would love in her, he could've loved in me too, but with two things lacking, I fell too far behind in the race.

I didn't stand a chance.