15. "having no natural affection"

So Jared loved Nova and Jewee loved Nova, but Nova loved Ryan and Ryan liked Jayvee.

I drew arrows in my head from person to person, forming the triangle that wasn't exactly a triangle anymore, but a blob of confusion and broken hearts. People that like the idea of love like to say that love is simple, and for the lucky people in the world, I don't doubt that it can be, but again that's only for the lucky people. For normal, average people, it's more complex than we want to believe, and this was the evidence to prove that. Only in one of those scenarios did a story of love find possibility to begin, and it tragically ended before it truly got started.

Laying against my foam mattress, tucked away in loneliness where I've been wanting to be all day, I made up a game of depressing connect the dots, instead of counting sheep. I didn't feel I had the right to counting sheep because that was pure, and nothing about today held pure. It was dark and miserable, and right when we could think that there was a piece of our lives that was a little bit more simpler, something new would jump out that was just as toxic, if not more.

I couldn't sleep. Not when my mind was running wild like this. In fact, the few hours that I got made me feel worse, I couldn't help but to believe I was better off awake. Dreams can be a good thing, and usually they are, but when it didn't give you a break from reality, then it was better to live the reality one versus one. Could I wake up and be thankful that it was only a dream? No, I couldn't. I couldn't because my reality wasn't any easier.

I could try to fool myself to think it was. I could think about how the light breeze whooshed through palm trees that I didn't open my eyes to back in the states. I could think about the glowing stars and how there were billions of them looking down on me that we couldn't name nor number. I could think about the crush of autumn leaves, guitar strings, coffee and the Eiffel Tower, but at the end of it there would always be something out there to disturb it. Something to make it come clattering.

And this time, it was voices. In the daylight, I probably wouldn't have been able to hear them with the vehicles passing by, but under the moon, though not crystal clear, I could hear it like you'd hear a whisper.

"Did you mean what you were saying before? Were you serious?" The female voice asked, and with her came the rustling of a rock she kicked as she walked. One of the times, she missed it, and she cursed herself in a low tone to have to go on without it. It had to be Nova. She's the one who would mutter under her breath like that.

"What did I say?" A masculine voice responded, playing dumb, and I knew from the lowness of his voice it was definitely Jared. Jewee didn't talk like he did -- he didn't even present his words in the same way, and there weren't other people to choose from. It made sense too, that they'd be talking this deep into the night, or early in the morning. The two of them actually had something to talk about -- even the officer that stopped by knew that.

"When you said you and Jewee had feelings for me -- did you mean it, or did you say it to save both your asses?" Based on the way Nova replied, I assumed she thought he was joking or that he made it up. It didn't offend her in any way or anything. She just said it without an ounce of shyness or hesitation for what the subject was.

"Of course I meant it," he replied, and the girl gasped. I swear, it was her gasp that I heard the most certainly. She was surprised that he would admit it just like that, without any fluff or beating around the bush. In the time being, he found it funny. "What? You thought that I'd use your name just to slide myself out of trouble?"

"Yeah, pretty much, which would have been fine, by the way. You've gotten me out of a lot of trouble too, so that would make us even. This though -- is actually a lot harder to handle. I don't know what to say. Heck. Honestly, I don't what I think about it, let alone what I would say. I mean, you're an amazing friend but this? Why would you do that? Why would you like me of all people? Why me?"

There was silence. Then, a loud sigh, and from inside, though I couldn't get a glimpse of his face, it wasn't hard to know that his whole body would feel two times heavier hearing that. It might not have been a 'no', but those words coming out of a person's mouth was almost never a 'yes'. It was a kind and considerate way of rejection, and I knew that, because once upon a time, I was there, victim to the same words.

Nova got to speaking before he could find the right words to say. "You don't have to answer that. That's not important right now. We can talk more about it tomorrow or something. What's more important to mention is--,"

"No. Stop," the man demanded, and when he did, both their footsteps did too. "Nothing is more important than it. Let's talk about it. You don't like me, do you? Why? How have I wronged you? What have I not done that Ryan was able to? What makes him so much better than me?"

"I never said that he--."

"You showed it. You showed that he was better than me, but why? Tell me why. I've spent my entire life criticized because of my appearance because I look different than other people do, and because I'm mixed, and so I vowed to myself that one day, I'll be a person that grows up and can tell everyone 'I told you so' because I'll be so loved around the world and then when I grew up the one girl I fell in love with doesn't like me. So tell me why. Tell me what I'm missing."

He was guilt-tripping, being this 'pick-me' guy I didn't think I could imagine him being, but Nova didn't stutter. She didn't have to think, and swiftly, she knew exactly how she wanted to handle it -- how she wanted to stand up to him, like she's seen it so many times before. It's as if she was used to it. She knew he was that kind of person.

"You want me to show you? You really want to know why I can't return your feelings?" She barked her words, allowing herself to be mighty despite being shorter and smaller than him. She was determined to show that she wasn't afraid of him.

"Yes, by all means, give me one valid reason why I'm not good enough for you," Jared shot back. Her strength was ticking him off. It bothered him when a woman tried to outdo him. He thought that he should have control.

"I'm going out with Jewee," she spit out. I felt wrong to be eavesdropping, but for the suddenness of her response, I couldn't force myself back from the door. I was drawn to it like it was calling my name, and I had to hear better as I would the climax of a movie.

"You're wha--?" The guy began to respond, and I could hear a pair of heels hit up against the metal to the other side of my wall, but he was cut off when the sound of a slap of skin to skin came about, and I knew she slapped him. She slapped him right across the wounds Jayvee already gave him, and probably made him bleed all over again, but only because she had to. Only because he was forcing her into a corner.

"I'm not. I'm not going out with Jewee, but do you see what I mean? You went on and on about 'may the best man win' crap, but do you really have a drop of blood in your body that could let that be? I had feelings for Ryan, and now he's dead. If I confessed to liking Jewee, would I wake up one morning to his body ice cold too? You're so freaking possessive, Jared, and it's petrifying because you don't even realize it. You're so protective of your friends and you can love them so dearly that it's beautiful, -- yeah, I love being your friend, but you don't let people touch your CDs, or your football cards, or the picture frames on your wall and I realized that your obsession is too far out there. You'd love a girl like you love the objects you collect, and I feel bad for that person. I'd never want to be her."

"After everything I've done for you," his tone of voice gave away his scowl, and on her end came the sound of struggle, as if she couldn't breathe. A loud thundering thunk -- the sound of a woman her weight being thrown up against the perimeter wall, shook not the metal itself, but me, as I panicked trying to figure out what the best thing to do was. Peeking out from a small window, I could see the reflection of a pair of sandals and bare ankles on the sign that advertised the name of this building we spent the night, and they didn't touch the cement.

He was choking her. He was so enraged, that he had his hand was her neck, and he held her up high enough that her toes couldn't touch the floor. "That guy you liked wasn't good for you. He bragged about every little success it was annoying. He always tried to act like he was better than me. He asked for me to hate him, Nova. He asked for it. He asked for everything."

"D-did--," she tried to adjust the position of her neck, stretching it a bit so he'd have to loosen his grip, when she saw me and my curly bed head due to my rush, out of the corner of her eye. There was instant relief in her stance, though I didn't arrive to her yet, and she somehow found the boldness to finish her sentence. "Did you hate him so much that you had to kill him? Like you hate me so much right now that you have to kill me?"

"What the heck, Jared? She never wronged you. Nobody here has. Ryan never did. Stop acting like you're a victim," I wedged myself in between them. I knew I couldn't take Jared in a fight, and if he wanted to break every bone in my body he could, so I didn't risk trying to yank him away. I just stepped in, so he couldn't get a hold of her anymore, or if he could, it wouldn't be near as bad. Behind me, I could feel her height shorten back, and her feet have impact with the floor. Despite me being between them, his eye contact with her didn't break, though his hands were back behind his back where I liked them to be, and he continued talking.

"Why does everyone act like Ryan was such an angel? He wasn't even mediocre nice. He was a terrible person, and everything he did was for show. Everything he did was shallow. I didn't kill him, I told you, I'm not a fricking murderer, but if someone was going to be killed, it had to be him. He wasn't destined to live long. He's a heart-breaker. He likes to make people's lives miserable for fun, and I saved you, Nova, from your pain. I was the one who was there for you! How can you disregard that?"

She coughed, clearing her throat and catching her breath. "I didn't disregard that. I'm thankful for everything you did for me. You're the one who knew that I cried for him because he knew I loved him and yet he did nothing about it, and that does matter. It will always matter to me and I'll always be thankful for it, but right now, Ryan is dead, and you have to accept that I care about that too. I care about that because part of me died with him."

Jared didn't answer. He took off in a speed walk back to his room and he shut the door behind him. Nova thanked me with a bow, and she scurried off to her room too, giving me no instruction of what she wanted me to do from here. I couldn't help but wonder how many of these she's lived through to not even think to have him reported.

I don't know if he's a murderer or not, but murder is in him, most certainly.