Six months ago there was an event that pushed me into a depression. I’ve thought of it so many times and sometimes it even takes over my dreams. I am writing this because I am looking for help; I am looking for a magical solution.
Please try to imagine you are in my shoes the day of my sister’s wedding. Try to put yourself in this hypothetical situation as I walk you through it.
Let’s start: you're at your sister’s wedding, and it’s awkward because you gained a lot of weight from taking birth control, but you didn’t really realize it until you got there and saw how small everyone else is.
You overhear one of the other bridesmaids talking poorly about you, so you just walk past and smile. She smiles back. After all what else can you really do?
Hair and makeup is awkward; no one is talking to you except for the hair and makeup artists… luckily you know a lot about makeup and are able to bring up some real conversations with them. Later it also turns out they have the same taste in TV shows, so you find even more to talk about. This makes you think… is it just the bridesmaids who are being awful for no reason? After all, you are able to talk to some people just fine… or are the hair and makeup people just being nice because they are literally being paid to have good customer service.
While getting your hair done, you hear two other bridesmaid’s talking on the balcony about how they don’t like you because you have attitude. (Did they think the door was closed?) You honestly have barely ever talked to either of those girls in your life and originally felt confused about where they got this idea. However, you make eye contact with her just to wave and smile, realizing this kind of helps prove their point.
Side plot: There was this awkward moment when an older member from the groom's side got sassy because she thought I cut her in line for hair styling... but she was actually there first. (I just remember thinking she looked so funny with her arms folded and lip all crinkled up. So petty, and at such old age. Does this kind of drama never really end? Was I always going to have to deal with people treating me like the way the bridesmaids were treating me?)
Back to the day: Your aunt goes out to smoke and you follow her, you haven’t smoked in months, but dealing with all these people secretly hating you is just too hard and you think it might help with your high stress level. You see the bridesmaids staring at you smoking and put it out. It just made things worse…
Then the ceremony is about to begin. By "about to begin" I mean there is still another hour, but apparently bridesmaids have to get together for all kinds of pictures. Not to mention the mandatory watching of the bride and groom posing for romantic pictures. (Apparently, we were supposed to be emotional about it?)
While waiting for the ceremony you try asking questions like, "What time is it?" Or "What is the next thing we are doing?"… but they actually just ignore you. They don’t respond or even look at you. As if they can’t hear you. You ask again even louder, and the maid of honour actually turns the other way. This is fucked; you don’t know how to react to grown women giving you the silent treatment.
It’s in our human nature to be social and it fucks with your head to just be ignored like that, but you could never tell them that because they would just call you a freak. So what do you do? Just leave, right? Well, that’s what you do in this hypothetical situation. A few minutes later, you see your aunt and leave because you're being ignored anyway… then you overhear the maid of honour say "uh, not more smoking!" (It was loud, she wasn’t being very discreet.)
You turn around immediately and scowl, they all turn away and ignore you. It just makes you even more angry. You hear your aunt calling you over again, so you just let it go. She helps you realize there is no point in bothering them. You are only there for a few minutes when your sister calls you over and is annoyed you are not there when she needs you for pictures. Well, maybe she shouldn’t participate in whatever this weird silent treatment thing is… I thought she didn’t even want me there?
Later, after the wedding, you finally get the chance you leave to your hotel room, only to find that your dog is sick. The poor thing was upset from being left alone so long. Then your other aunt (not the one from earlier, another one) gets mad at you for not being with your sister and getting your pictures taken with them. She says, "What’s going to happen ten years from now when everyone looks at the wedding pictures and wonders where the sister is?”
Your sister, in full bridal wear, comes into your room and says there is another set of pictures that needs to be taken now that the sun is down and they have sprinklers. She says you need to hurry because the photographer has to leave. (Why does the photographer get to leave? I can’t.) You’re not even in your dress anymore because the ceremony and dinner are over. You get dressed and get over it. Just hear people saying “OMG where is the sister” and “we are always waiting for her.” (Why do they even want me in this photo? Don’t they hate me?) You take the pictures with a forced faked smile, knowing you're going to look chubby in them and then ask your sister if you can leave now… people are still ignoring you. You ask louder, they still ignore you. You ask even louder. Your sister replies that you can leave, but she sounds annoyed.
You are starting to get louder and say, “Really? I can leave; you’re not going to send someone to yell at me for not being in these pictures? Do you even want me here? My dog is sick! I don’t want to be here; I need to be with my dog!” They are still ignoring you! You are hoping in the back of your head that some of them might even be sympathizing with you even though the chances are slim. You yell, “SISTER!” She replies with even more annoyance, “Yes, you can leave.”
Finally, you are free.
Later, you eventually get around to going on Facebook (you rarely go on) just to see that they went to all kinds of pre-wedding events like wine tasting, bridesmaid lunches, and even a few parties… all without inviting me. Just to clarify, these events happened before the wedding. You do not know what you did to make them hate you, but you do think it was cruel that you were forced to be a part of that wedding at all. At the same time, the family is mad at you for not trying harder to be apart of the wedding events.
Like I said, no way to win in this situation. I feel trapped, I feel like a freak, and I feel insecure. I see no need or even want to be a part of this family. They don’t respect me and they didn’t help me when my sister was being terrible to me. I haven’t talked to my sister since and it’s been over six months… not that we really talked much before.