Without A Guide

My mother used to tell me all the time, “There's no book to tell you how to be a parent, I've tried my best with what I had and hoped for the best." She's right there's no guide to be a parent, in this world your criticized if your children are not of the best standards, or more well off than you were, but if they become than you then they say what adverse challenges for one had to overcome to have grown up in such a life. Well, mom this one's for you.

I know that I worry you sometimes and that's no surprise, I can tell by the way you look at me. I try to tread easily and to move lightly, but as you know this world can be heavy and it gets hard to stay quiet. I know you can understand and be gentle with me when needed, but i'm like a lone traveller losing sight, i'm not easily grounded. Be patient with me mother you know I am like fire burning in the snow when I am passionate about something, and I share a passion for this because of you.

Expressing my feelings so that they are not dismissed, but also learning the human you are even while being my mother. All of those hugs were most definitely missed, but the ones given were savored more than a kiss. So in your lesson of love and desire I think I've been wired in your design. For me it was hearing that you didn't want my kind that hurt my pride, causing me to seek validation to find my worth. But I cannot blame you, thought I'd just let you know, how I coped with it. I replaced one pain with another and created a void that was never even there.

I understand there are difficulties to loving me as your daughter, reciprocation is sometimes lost and our conversations get lost in translation. I'm afraid of opening up but have never been afraid of you per say, I love you and a lot of your teachings is what shaped me. I'm just asking that you be patient with me because I try to tread lightly but the world just gets heavy sometimes.

Mom you used to tell me that you know your doing your job right if I hate you. And I always said I hate it here every chance I got through all the thunderstorms of teenage emotional turmoil. But you stood by me through all of that while trying to get your own life together, I’m proud of the mother and woman that I see and I would never not be able to. I wish I knew then what I know now, but it wouldn’t have been as much fun, just kidding. But seriously, Mom your amazing and I’m glad god gave you me.

You were definitely a different breed, but growing up in a black household you learn a few things, like:

1. While living under my room, you abide by my rules

2. You wanna start acting grown, you can pay some bills

3. Around 15-17 is the age you supposedly start smelling your self

4. Don’t cook in my house after 11pm

There were plenty of others you taught me, but these were the ones engraved in my brain because I heard them the most due to my transgressions. I could go on ,but the point here is that you were wise beyond your years, and way before your own time and I think you passed on those lovely traits to me. I thank you for the parts of you I get to manifest and use as my own, without you there is no me. That goes in many ways different ways, the funniest one and most intimidating being, I can take you out of this world the same way I brung you into it. I hope this brings a smile upon your face and makes you laugh. I love you mommy, and I will always love you no matter what!