Will I Win?

What am I doing wrong? Why have I been so nice? Why did I let my heart think for me?

I was with this man for 5 years and I can tell you I stopped being happy in 6 months of our relationship. Why I didn’t leave him ? Well because I had no one to go back to. Why? Because he took everyone I had around me and pushed them away. My mother, my father, my siblings, and my friends. I also stood with him to give us a chance for our baby girl. But it wasn’t enough for him. He would purposely miss work to go hang out will friends. And after I had my baby I barely had his support because he was listening to his mom about not helping me because he works. So when my daughter hit 6 months I started to work. But when I would get off he would leave our baby girl home by her self in her bed and no his mom wasn’t there either. She was crying and I had told him it’s not kewl doing that. That’s being a bad parent. Then to find out I was pregnant yet again. Yes I am an idiot but I won’t ever regret all my kids. But the sexual situation is for another story later.

He used to leave me at work and I would have walked home by my self. After I had my son things start to get worse. I had to forcefully give him my son so I could cook for him. I was tired but I still cleaned and cooked in the house. And I didn’t give up taking care of my kids no matter how tired I was. When I got thrown out and they kept my kids, I had to stay at my uncles house. My mom helped me get an apartment so I can live on my own with my two kids but it didn’t turn out that way. He told me he would give me the kids if he came along too. And I couldn’t yet get away from him. So I gave in because I wanted my babies back. I gave him another chance and still he didn’t want to change. I cooked, cleaned, did his laundry, played and laugh with my babies, take care of his dog and work. It was hard. He didn’t want me to work but I needed to work because he was spending on his self instead of our children. Then he puts us in danger by speeding and gets pulled over. I mean come on man your a dad. I was always nervous with his driving. I was never taught how to drive until I met my fiancé of two years so far. You know what also upset me the most was that he would hit my babies on their mouth because he didn’t like what they would do like for example: touch the dryer buttons. Which is true. My baby girl touched it twice and he just went and hit her in the mouth. I had warned him not to do that again or I will take them away from him. I realized I got with a man that depends on his mother to fix and pay for things. I would get mad when he did that. I would tell him he needs to stop doing that because it isn’t okay for him to spend on what he likes instead of paying to fix your own vehicle, phones, rent , light and etc. we were 23 years old with two children and living on our own because I chose to put us in apartments. I lost my mother because of him. He threatened her and I didn’t even know it. That’s why she stayed away from me because I chose him over her. I lost my friends because he deleted and blocked them off my social media and phone. I wasn’t able to go hang out with my best friend because of him. He would go hang out while I stood at home with my babies and I would work. He wouldn’t be back until 4 am. This isn’t okay. I mean we have responsibilities we are not 15 or 16 years old. And see the 16year olds that work are more responsible than what he is. I don’t regret my babies. I’m hurt for getting thrown out in front of them. I lost a fight that I’m trying to re fight in. In order to get them back I have to get 3,500 or 5,000 for this lawyer. Yet again I will be losing because I don’t have that money. I’m heart broken that he never told me about the car accident that involved my babies. It breaks my heart that he wouldn’t tell me. I don’t know how I win this case. But I know I am human and that it’s okay to cry and have a heart and it’s okay to stay a good person. Now I just have this never ending battle that I don’t think I could win with out this lawyer. I will keep praying to win and to stop losing and to stop being Afraid of him. I will fight back but I can’t do this alone.