Widowhood can be lonely

I joined several widow support groups on social media and have begun to notice a growing trend. I began seeing more posts about advice for moving on than I did about dealing with current feelings of grief. When I questioned the shift in focus in one group, I received a number of hateful responses so I deleted myself. I said I thought the group was for sharing feelings of grief and not about dating. A widower said he thought dating issues should be in a different group so he got it. Everyone else who responded said I was too extreme and they all wanted to know there was hope and they could be happy again.

I decided to attend a therapy session last week and it was beneficial until the therapist spoke about moving on. It seems, in my opinion, that everyone expects me to forget 45 years with one man by quickly going to another. The definition of moving on appears to be finding a light at the end of the tunnel. The compassion that I had been witnessing in the groups seemed to evaporate because of my question which has me wondering just how deep the love these people had for their spouse was. I understand that life goes on but I personally cannot turn off the feelings I had for my spouse for 4 decades just because time is going by.

I actually felt hurt that other so called grieving women were so insensitive to me. I am sharing this story to help someone else who continues to love their deceased spouse and is not thinking about moving on. I saw a young man yesterday whose mother passed away a few years ago and his dad has remarried. I did not think much about it while my husband was living but on yesterday my attitude was "How dare he move along so quickly." I do not believe I am alone in my views and I think some widows are suffering in silence because others are pushing moving on.

I think my question was misunderstood because I am not against anyone finding love again if that is what they desire. I was addressing the appropriateness of turning a grief site into one for dating. I was pointing out that the group is being advertised for one thing and the posts are turning it into something else. I was quit surprised that so few "grief stricken" widows understood my point. I saw a group that was set up for widows and widowers to meet other widows and widowers so they can date and that is self explanatory as to the purpose.

I can hear people who read this saying they wonder why I am not moving on and seeking to date. I get that because unless you have dealt with what I have you would not understand. My children don't get it and neither do my relatives, M husband was by my side for 4 decades and I miss him terribly. If you are a widow or widower who wants to quickly move on I applaud you. If like me you are still hurt because of the loss of your spouse please know that there are times you will be all alone. There will be people who don't want to hear that you are still hurting and crying. This is especially true of religious people who have been taught to think and speak only what is positive.

My heart goes out to those who are suffering in silence and feel they have nowhere to turn. In your mind you know that your spouse is dead and is not going to come back but your heart still wishes he or she was here. I had been having 2 pretty good days until the exchange in the "grief group." Now I am crying again because I am a very sensitive person and I let my guard down and asked a question only to be responded to with hate. Here are some things to keep in mind so that you can remain on guard.

Not every widow or widower really loved their spouse and some may have been cheating or on the verge of divorce. If you decide to join support groups just know that the names can be misleading. Please understand that counselors may seem to be pushing you along. Society has an attitude in general that once someone is buried you forget them and just run to someone else. Most people want a fairy tale and a happy ending but that is not real life. For everyone who questions why a widow continues to grieve or does not remarry, perhaps they should be asking how so many move on quickly when they said they loved their spouse.

My spouse was my best friend and I told him often. He was my go to person and I miss having him around, If that is offensive to anyone then so be it. I end this article by warning those who really miss their husband or wife that people will not always understand where you are and why but that's OK. You might hear some things that cause you pain but dust yourself off and keep going or write about so that someone else can learn from your experience.

You might not deal with what I have just written about but there will be situations that leave you scratching your head and you won't have your spouse to turn to for comfort. The very people you may think will be there for you whether family, friends, a support group, or a church could be the ones to cause you the most pain. You will noy only miss you spouse but all the people who back out of your life because they no longer know how to relate to you. Its lonely at times but you can make it

The thing is that when the grief is raw and fresh you feel offended by anyone suggesting that you turn your emotions off like a water spigot. Your spouse is dead and not coming back. This is real and true but you still love and miss them which is also valid. Some widows and widowers simply want love and affection from anyone but others still desire the touch of the man or woman they loved for so long. Even though you know they are gone no one can replace them. If you desire a safe space to grief then please click on this Link.