Why Won't You Understand?

A typical week would begin with a Sunday. In many families it is normal for Sunday church service but in my home we had a Sunday routine. Once I had brushed my teeth and taken a bath, "Here is $20 for the french bread, cheese, turkey, and newspaper," said mom. I was sent to the corner Bodega also known in NYC as the corner grocery store. After returning from the store we would have a cup of coffee and eat. This was my favorate part of a Sunday. When breakfast was done we would prepare for a 8 hour service at the Pentecostal church. Typically this would be a morning bible class followed by lunch and service.

As times began to change my mom began to change with this as well locking me up from the world even more. When I began to date I began to discover how clueless I was. I was never told about sex and the reproductive system until I learned about it in High School. When I began to gain friends in High School, my eyes began to open and began to question my mom on everything was kept from me. "You are in church and the bible tells you not to sin so this is why I never mentioned anything to you Leave my sight because I don't want to see you. Just leave!" mom said yelling from the top of her lungs. I would run almost daily to my room to just cry as I was unable to watch TV nor listen to any worldly music.

Feeling depressed I decided to lose my virginity with my first boyfriend. Not being able to speak to my mom about the situation destroyed me inside. As I was left to walk home on my own and dumped after losing my virginity. I went into a great depression. Completely going into a liquid diet for two weeks and forcing myself to throw up the little bit of food in my system. After two weeks of no real food and almost passing out, I confessed to my mother. She was so out of touch with reality she immediately told me to go to my room and took me to get a pregnancy test the next day. I was not pregnant and from then on, she refused to speak to me about anything at all.

Completely shadowing me, sending me to shut up and go to my room, when asked a question, thought of suicide began to pop up in mind. Not having friends that could relate and siblings that didn't want to even come close to mom, I turned to a counselor in the school. I began to go weekly to just vent and made it through. However, at one point the counselor asked for my mom to come for a session. That as you may have thought did not end well as you may have thought. She began to yell at the counselor and explained about the Pentecostal belief and walked out, pulling me out as well. At home she slapped me and told me to leave her sight. This continued till I turned 18 years old. On that cold December birthday of mine, I packed instead of celebrating and left to shelter in my boyfriends' home from the mental abuse that almost cost me my life and my sanity.

---Don't ever back away from talking to someone when you need it there is always help. Please if you ever feel suicidal, reach out for help!