Why I Left My Mom- Melissa is Born

Warning: Mentions of abortion, child birth complications, and proper medical terms to go with it. Once again, I do not want to censor anything and tell the story as it is. Reader discretion is advised.

My Mother never wanted to be a Mom. Simple as that. Since she was a child, she told everyone she was never going to have children. Then she met my Dad in her late 20's, and 2 years after their marriage, she found out she was pregnant with me. 

My Mother did have the option to abort. My Dad- who so desperately wanted to be a family man- would have understood. However, in the end my Mother decided not to abort me and carry through the pregnancy. While she made the choice of being a mother, I don't think she was ever really truly ready to be one. I have to theorize a lot of things- guesses as to why she didn't abort. Did she feel pressure from my Dad who I have no doubt she knew wanted kids of his own? Did she feel like she could give this child an upbringing she didn't get and she was going to do better? I'll never know the thoughts that went through her mind when she decided she did want to become a mother after all. Why the sudden change of heart after over a decade of saying she was never going to have children. For now, I'm not going to dwell too much on it. The result is that I am here 34 years later typing about my inner trauma my Mother caused me and as a result she is out of my life.

I gave her difficulty before I even fully came into this world, so I've always been a troublemaker for her. I was a big baby. No really, I was a BIG baby. I was growing so quickly and so fast. In my Mother's third trimester, the doctor made the decision to induce labor 2 weeks before my due date because I was so BIG. They were afraid I wouldn't come out and cause a lot of issues if they didn't. Ha! That didn't work.

So on May 16th, 1992, my Mother was checked in, labor was induced. I don't know how long she was in labor but if I remember correctly, I was born on the same day she was checked in. And I did eventually come into this world- just not in the way anyone expected me to.

When it was time to start pushing, my head got stuck.

Yes, you read that correctly. This big baby they induced 2 weeks early to prevent complications like this was already causing them. To this day I still have a larger than normal head. But yeah, my head got stuck coming out.

They tried the forceps. I was not budging. I can't personally imagine what this was like, having a baby stuck coming out and just stretching everything out and... ugh. It's honestly one of the many reasons that I am definitely not having kids of my own.

So an Emergency C-Section was called for. And before we knew it, Melissa Leigh was born in Butte, Montana at 8 pounds, 10 ounces and 21 inches long. My father was instantly proud, and it was probably one of the greatest days of his life (besides my other two siblings being born of course!). I peed on the nurse within the 1st minute of taking my first breath. Again, my Dad was extremely proud.

My Mother will also say she was proud. She will say all the struggle was worth it. And I truly believe that she herself believes this. But I think since the day she struggled to bring me into the world, she has always had a back burner resentment. All my life, I heard I was a difficult child. I think this is where it all started to be honest. Most mothers would truly go through everything my Mother went through a thousand times over just to hold and care and love that beautiful gift of life unconditionally. It's honestly one of the reasons I respect mothers. I know my Mother almost held what she went through over my head and said she would NEVER do it again. She definitely felt like I owed her for what I put her through. In the end, it was always her choice first and foremost- my existence I literally had so say or choice in. But somehow, I still owed her for it.

I was born with jaundice and had to sit under a special light for the first week of my life. My Mother said I was so big, that I looked like a toddler among all the other babies. It's funny because my hospital terms, I was a preemie. It's a fun fact I can share about myself now.

My Mother left the hospital with a pained vagina and staples in her stomach. I have known for a while that I have caused my Mother physical and emotional pain since my biggest debut.

I don't know what endeavors my mother had to go through to recover after my dramatic arrival into the world.

As I mentioned, my Father was ready for this and had been ready to be a Dad for a long time. This would reflect in our relationship until the day he died. He never held the decision to be my parent against me and instead wore it as a title to be proud of. But my Mother would do the opposite growing up. This obviously led to where we are today- not talking and completely cut off.