Why I Can't Buy You Smokes

My creative writing, where I find my solitude. The things I find most laughable, are all the things I'd once laughed at my parents for saying. They'd say I'd understand one day and boy they were right. Like how I couldn't understand why they never had time for video games. I was so encapsulated by these worlds of make believe created for me to explore where I was the strongest and best. I loved the hard tasks and doing things that were once thought to be impossible.

They used to be less mainstream and were another thing I'd get bullied for when I was a kid. Yet, for so many reasons, I've mostly outgrown them. Times have changed so much. When Mother was at that high school, the age to buy smokes was only 16. As far as I know, the law wasn't upheld as much in G-Ma's time. By the time I reached high school, the age had raised to 18 and taxes on the product were soaring.

Morally I'm implicated because I partly blamed Mother for what happened in high school having made me go down dark avenues to retrieve contraband. They smoked, so the logic never made sense to me. I don't want you to have to use those routes, so I hope you aren't at the same point I was. You're young, not even able to drive. These laws and regulations aren't put in place to prevent you from fitting in or being cool, they're there because the products are harmful.

These types of conversations make me sound like a hypocrite, since as you know, I smoke. But it's why I'll write about my experiences, but I can't really sit there and lecture people on how to live their lives. Vaping might be less harmful, but you're still igniting a substance and inhaling it. The human body grows a long time, but your brain isn't fully developed until around 25. It's easy to say now you won't get addicted, trust me, I started that way with just friends and tobacco.

I'd come to find something in cigarettes that was too good to pass up. I knew I was different but not that I have autism. Cigarettes became a great coping mechanism for me against the overstimulation of life and that place. I'd started to become aware of the feeling of a meltdown, and would go smoke. I'd still never encourage the method to anyone. And although vaping might be considerably cheaper, it's an ongoing habit. You'll be spending your money, and then if things become too much to juggle, will be reduced to begging or asking me. And the likelihood that you keep this under wraps isn't grand. You're no better at lying than me.

But I'd also tried smoking for other means. To try and get on better terms with my bullies as a common ground. The reality is that never really worked because it only showed more ways I was weak and malleable. If I didn't give them smokes, I was subject to ridicule. If I bent the knee, I was admitting my weakness. By Grade 11, my values had declined even further and I started smoking pot.

No matter my justifications for it, everything in life had become far out of my control and manageability. I wasn't opening up to anyone by Grade 12. Mom was blowing everything out of proportion so I didn't see a point in telling her how dark it really was. Whatever the reasons for whatever, I ended up getting kicked out.

I held onto guilt for a long time. I missed watching you grow in those very tiny years. It was something that had given Hannah and I such a strong connection. Like you, I don't really know what to say to her. I worry that the words to come out will be to heavy and too early for young brains. I just got to figure out the reality of life quite early on.

Eventually I'd come to let it go, but I needed to in order to live properly. I'd reason we only have a couple years at most left. If I'd made it out of high school, it would have been with a girl. I didn't know what to do about her. Love and hate are such finicky emotions.

I was running in circles, trying to please everyone. When I lived at home, Dad and I constantly fought. It was hard on me, and I could see it was growing on our parents. I worried about what that toxic atmosphere would do for Hannah and you. It seemed if I removed myself from the situation, that was one way to change things. I didn't try hard to come back, trying to create something less violent. Instead, I'd hear many times that Hannah and you would cry at night, worried about me, not knowing where I was or if I was okay. It tore me up as much then, as it does now. One of many ways I got stuck inside my crystalline fortress.

I got some really personal experiences with Hannah having been there. Ones I'd always regretted I missed out with you. It became harder as you grew up. You are so much like me, but I always wanted you to shine as you. You always showed how smart you are. I didn't want you to be another me. It was the next thing I'd feel bad for. Like when I couldn't play make-believe with Tiny Hannah and her Pet Shop toys.

I tried my best to see you guys as much as I could, without making it too hard on you. I tried my best to finish up high school, having wanted to be a Microbiologist since Grade 6. I was going to cure the common cold, but that became Cancer in Grade 9 with the passing of Grandpa Lorne. You never got to meet the beautiful man that he was. The way he'd light up for our smiles. All the things he did for Tiny Jory. It was very hard for me to lose him that year. I'd really lost the last person who always just saw the beautiful boy I was.

I didn't make it through high school though. I made a grand exit feeling like the worst person in the world. That's a tough level to put yourself up to, amongst people such as war criminals. I'd sacrificed all my morals. That bright, wide-eyed, 2nd highest honour roll boy who'd sworn to never to drugs.

I lost him in the process of everything. Trying to make it out of that place. It took me a log time to get myself back, buried beneath resentment and hate. It also took a long time to get out of all the holes that were dug in the process. And although there's the story in the background no one's really known till I started telling it, the truth always remains; I can't change the past.

Now I'm at a place where I wouldn't want to anyways. That boy lacking self-esteem couldn't have imagined the strength I'd find on my journey. It's one I took and accepted in hopes that you'll never have to. And I do what I do in hopes that my awareness helps other people. I worry because I see a lot of the same things happening that I went through, but that's why I try to be there in the ways I can. A request to allow you to smoke or vape isn't one of those. There was a difference between knowing and accepting the past. It wasn't till recently that I accepted it. I there have always been things I've known I could never forgive myself for, and being responsible for you heading down a dark path would be one of them.

High school seems like a long time dude, I know. Most people get out though, and choose to forget it happened. At least anyone I've come to talk to upon writing my books. Don't sacrifice yourself for that school like I did. The biggest strength you can show anyone is that you're your own person and happy to be. Happy not to conform to silly trends and eat tide pods.

The bullies I had? I did hate them, but I still always wished them the best. I was probably right to as I haven't heard many good things out of them. A couple chased oil, and some made smart money decisions, but not many. Some ended up on harder drugs than I'd ever tried, tearing apart a lot of families. Some left high school, but forgot to grow up, continuing to hang out with people years younger than them to regain the glory years. A few charged for crimes like armed robbery or child pornography.

I was very close to being a staple on such a list. I'd made all my mistakes early, and regretted them forever while picking up the pieces. I don't want to see you go on the same tough journey I did. The people I watched who had strength, said no. They got out and continued living life. Some backpacked around the world. Some became nurses or doctors, dentists, police officers, lawyers, and teachers. One studied abroad in Germany and another taught English in Japan. Nerds truly do rule the world. If you won't take my word for it, ask Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, or Bill Gates.