Why I am a Stay at Home Mom

Before we had our son, I had a lot of aspirations. My only aspiration now is to try to be the best mom I can be for him.

I was once a full time college student, studying to become a pharmacist, working full time as a pharmacy technician. I was working hard to make it happen, and I made it to just a few classes shy of earning my bachelors degree.

Eight months into my pregnancy, I stopped working full time, but I was still taking classes. I finished my last class while I was 3 days post-partum, and it was so difficult to do due to my depression/ anxiety. I was experiencing the worst emotional rollercoaster I have ever been on, painful recovery, and learning how to care for a newborn for the first time -all while being extremely sleep deprived-.

A few weeks in, I decided the winter break and maternity leave I was on was not going to end anytime soon. I loved being a mom. I wanted to dedicate myself to this perfect little human we created.

My boyfriend supported my decision. Because he admitted to actively trying to get me pregnant despite our circumstances, and because school was becoming way too expensive to pay for (on top of the student loans I already have), I took him up on his attractive offer and didn’t enroll for spring classes.

My baby has now turned six months and I’m loving giving him my undivided attention. I am able to exclusively breastfeed him after all the effort and tears I dedicated to getting established, and I do not plan on giving him a bottle just so I can return to work for crumbs (I don’t make much unless I work myself to the bone).

Despite my love for being home, I can’t help but feel immense guilt when I look into my baby’s sweet little eyes and think of all the things I cannot give him without a good paying job. Let me tell you, we are struggling. We barely get by, paycheck to paycheck.

My boyfriend assures me he wants me to be home with the baby and does not want me to work. He works everyday to provide what he can for us, and I am grateful for it, but I feel we can be doing so much more. We are barely getting by, and that’s just because we pay so little in rent at my mom's house.

I’m trying so hard not to sound like an ungrateful partner, but I feel like my boyfriend has so much untapped potential. His job has reoccurring slow seasons, and he has said himself that there isn’t much of a ladder he can climb there.

Maybe my dreams of having our own home are too grand for a young couple in this day and age. Living with my family is becoming unbearable though. My baby and I hardly ever leave my room unless I know we’re home alone. I just don’t want to deal with the drama, but being locked in one room with a baby is really getting to me.

I always tell myself though, I chose this life though. It was decision after decision that led me to where I am today, and it is going to be difficult to try and pursue other -or my prior- goals now.

I know this rough stage won’t last forever. I can always try and finish school or go back to work when my son starts school. Being a mom HAS filled my heart with joy after all.

Despite the love I have for caring all day for my sweet boy, I’m starting to feel like I trapped myself into a bad situation.