Whoever Says You Can’t Be Your Child’s Best Friend Is Full Of It

I’ve seen a lot of things on social media in the 16 years I’ve been a part of it. Many things have been wonderful. Some made me laugh, some made me cry. Some are shocking, while others have been infuriating.

One thing I’ve seen many many times is this narrative: “You can’t be your child’s best friend. You have to be their PARENT.”

It’s usually spelled out like that, too. Either with “parent” in caps or the entire sentence in all caps. It makes me wonder about the parent posting it, and what they’ve gone through recently or in the moment to post such nonsense.

I get the meaning behind their post. They’re trying to convey the message that you need to be tough with your kids. Teach them discipline, life lessons, and administer punishment when necessary. Don’t allow them to take advantage of your kind parenting by breaking all the rules. I don’t disagree with any of that.

However, I can only judge it by raising our own three children. Perhaps my view is skewed by our own experiences, but for our family, they’ve been a dream. My children are truly my best friends.

And I feel as though I am one of theirs, for certain. My youngest daughter has told me this on numerous occasions. She is my one biological child of our three, and we’ve had a wonderful relationship for almost 17 years now. She’s truly a joy and was so easy to raise.

My other two bonus children have been in my life since the end of 2011. We all met when I started dating their mother when they were in grade school. We had a 3rd-grader, a 2nd-grader, and a first-grader. They got along so well, even from the beginning.

My daughter loved my then-new girlfriend immediately. What wasn’t to love? She’s a therapist and a wonderful soul. I remember my now-Bride telling me a conversation she had with Avery when the two of them were riding in the car alone together, early on.

6-year-old Avery, from the backseat: “Mai? I really love you. And I’m not just saying that. You can marry my Daddy if you want to.”

Yes, it’s true. My daughter attempted to create an arranged marriage for me at age 6. Luckily, she was onto something. My Bride and I just celebrated ten years of marriage together this past April. And it’s been fantastic.

Her son and daughter were also easier to grow close to quickly. The Boy and I bonded over video games. I bought us a few Guitar Hero games, two guitars and that was that. He will tell you that his love for Metallica came from the Metallica Guitar Hero game I introduced him to. We played quite a few other ones, too.

Kiera was the toughest one of the three, initially. She was nice to me and Avery, but she could also be strong-willed and stubborn. She taught me a lot about parenting and how you often have to use different approaches with different kids, as it related to discipline and follow through.

I wrote a piece about this recently, for her high school graduation. Check it out: A Letter To My Beloved Daughter On Your Graduation Day. It might make you cry.

We eventually became best friends. Of our three children, she and I have easily spent the most time together. My daughter Avery is only with us part-time. The Boy got into his own things around junior high age and spent far more time online with his friends ever since.

So Kiera and I became best buds. We’d spend much of our time playing old-school video games, newer games, or watching cartoon movies. She’s about to turn 18 in July and we still watch cartoon movies and enjoy gaming together.

When Avery is over, the three of us all hang out more often than not. When they were in grade school and junior high, we’d hang out every weekend evening and most days during summer playing video games together, after we made dinner. Those hours spent gaming and acting silly bonded us very close to one another.

My Bride and I have never been hard on our children. They all were mostly straight-A students, did what we asked of them, and very rarely gave us any attitude. All three very much enjoyed being at home with us and rarely wanted to leave the safety and fun of our home lives.

We also didn’t worry about using curse words in front of them. We are not a religious family. We never had the religious guilt or fear of Hell dominate our family life. They used to laugh when one of us would slip up and say “shit” or something similar in front of them. They’d get a big kick out of Mom doing it, especially.

She’d bring up having to eat “Shit-on-a-Shingle” as a kid. Or she’d tell them they were “Shit-Outta-Luck” about something. They’d laugh and laugh at both of those.

Once they all hit about junior high age, it was a free for all. They were allowed to curse at home if it was just the five of us hanging out. Or around select company, people that wouldn’t judge us or our heathen children. And boy, has it escalated over the years since then.

They understand that cursing is all about context, situations, and knowing your audience in front of you. We’ve taught them not to major on minors, in life. So who gives a damn if they feel comfortable enough around their parents to curse and make off-color jokes? We certainly don’t.

Because they’ve always done well in school, behaved around us when asked to, and have loved and respected us both, we have always had our parenting standards somewhat on auto-pilot. They made it easy. By being silly with them and being their best friends, they’ve never acted a fool or brought shame to our family.

Have they ever made mistakes or bad choices? Certainly. Have those ever been catastrophic or dangerous? Absolutely not. They know that they can ask us about anything and we’ll answer them honestly. They have learned that we have their backs unconditionally and that we will always help them solve any stressful situation they encounter.

They’re all three highly-intelligent, hilarious, caring kids. It’s never occurred to either my Bride or myself to be hard on them. I’ve never understood parents who rule their homes using fear or demand compliance without offering an explanation about a situation.

One thing I HATED growing up was being told, “BECAUSE I SAID SO.” when I would ask why we’d have to do something a certain way. I was a curious, highly-intelligent child by nature. I always felt as though my dad didn’t love me enough to take a few seconds to explain something I asked about.

I also hated not hearing something he’d say, and then instead of repeating himself, he’d say, “NEVER MIND.” It made me feel as though I wasn’t worth his time and effort to simply re-state his comment or question.

When your parents let you down during your growing up years, you have two choices: Repeat the cycle of less than ideal parenting, or do a much better job with your own kids. I’m proud that despite similar, often-disappointing upbringings that my Bride and I both had, we’ve done right by our children.

I love when I hear Kiera tell her mother that she’s her best friend. I truly cherish how close I am to both our girls to this day and how I feel as though they’re my best friends besides my Bride. I adore how all three kids continue to be each other’s best buddies as well.

Again, I understand that this isn’t the case for every family or even every child. Parents want their kids to respect their rules and comply with them, and some feel that this isn’t possible while being your child’s friend.

When I was a kid growing up, especially during the junior high to high school years, I cared far more about what my friends thought of me than what my parents did. We were closer, we shared more, and I truly didn’t want to disappoint them or appear to be stupid in front of them.

The reason our children have never gotten into any trouble in school and life is that they CARE what we think about them. They would hate to disappoint us. Because we are their closest friends and allies. Just as they wouldn’t want to look ignorant in front of their best friends outside of our home, this goes double for us. I love that about them.

I feel that if you are an attentive parent, and if you’re patient, kind, and take an interest in the things your children do, your kids can be your best friends. I realize they all have close friendships outside of our family and I am happy for them that they do. But all of us being close friends in addition to being family, that’s priceless in my opinion.