What to Keep

The best-kept secret for spring cleaning has to be divorce. I’m here to recommend it, if you too married an abusive person with mommy issues. Simply drop that sorry sack out at the curb, et voilà, you may twirl your own apron strings and stand back in satisfaction. Breath in a big whiff of that fresh, lemony scent of bitterness.

Doubt my advice? Heard more about Ms. Marie Kondo? Mad props to her, to be sure. I can personally attest to the efficacy of Kondo’s methods. When my then-husband gave me a copy of her book as my Valentine’s Day present, what a heart-warming lesson that was: simply remove from your life that which does not spark joy. You can guess how that worked out for both of us. Insta-pot results on the cheap cut of long-term marriage!

If Kondo were to read the wisdom I humbly share with you here, I’d warrant that she’d seek a second edition of her book and a new season of her reality show; amending her methods by recommending that the first category of items to cull from your home are Spouses. Typically she’d have you start with Clothes themselves - but I find when people insist on wearing a partner around like a hair-shirt- it’s best to drop those, along with the proof of long-suffering virtue. Assuredly, a dirty, no-good, summofabeet does <nothing> for you, darlin’. Living with asses is so 2020. And we are all over that trend!

As you welcome this new season in your life, some preparatory work is advisable however. If, for instance, in the depth of your intimate partnering mess, one of your closets is stuffed with the secret that you have little to no direct access to your shared finances- do be sure to secretly stash some cash away. Don’t worry, you’re not alone- feminism is not as well represented in fiscal and financial sectors as you might imagine. While you clean out that aforementioned closet you’ll savor all that recaptured space, but may I recommend that you use a portion of it to stash a go-bag.

Nine times out of ten, when you walk out that door, that sorry sack of yours uses the newfound quiet to contemplate new login passcodes and the amounts they will transfer out of the joint account. Other prep work on your part ought to include sourcing emergency shelters for yourself and your children, and/or gauging which of your friends and family members wake up most quickly to the sound of your pounding on their door before dawn. In the weeks following a separation, an abuser is most likely to use lethal force on his victims- and that’s the brand of Mr.Clean we want to avoid!

If you find yourself a little overwhelmed at this point- let me reassure you- once you start the divorce process you’ll be surprised at how it all flows like a trickling spring creek, or the clattering sound of falling dominoes. Some conservative family will fall by the wayside; chaff separates from the wheat; friends do some ghosting; faith is doubted; and your sick leave gets chewed through by taking your kids to their therapist appointments.

Yes, indeed stand back in awe of the mayhem that will ensue. Plenty of chaos however puts into perspective even the messiest of homes. In your small apartment or childhood bedroom you may reminisce about that old life of housekeeping!

Were you once perpetually worried about the piles of bills and junk mail? Worry no longer! When you’re sifting through the legal fees, new insurance paperwork, and court transcripts, to find the updated custody agreement, the rest feels like small fries.

Were you frustrated by the mess made by those real small fries in your life? Playdough and glitter, be welcome once more! When they come home to you unbathed, sleep-deprived, over-screen timed, over-sugared, gas-lit and Disneyland-parented, thank heavens you at least had time to clean the house while they were gone. And you will do that won’t you. Nothing pairs with afternoon drinking like the whine of the vacuum. With your newfound freedom, you’ll have it all pulled together, I’m sure. I’ve seen it a million times.

Were you shamed by the number of yoga pants and stretched out t-shirts in your closet? Wanting a refresh on the old wardrobe? After all, your closet is more spacious! Here, a solution: depression and anxiety will wreak havoc with your eating habits and already struggling middle-aged metabolism. You’re sure to need a whole new set of clothes in 4-6 months. If you’re super lucky, one of your children will submit to a Reality Make-Over show secretly-taped footage of your pathetic self, from waist-level. When your children have this much compassion, you have confirmation that you’re a whiz at this single parenting thing. Who needs pride, when there is the slight chance someone else could foot the bill for your whole new style?

Was the “old you” tormented by toothpaste drying on your sink basin? When you stand over it, looking into the vanity mirror, think back to the stylists’ reassurances that you’re about to claim your full glory, and moreover, manifest the right lover into your life. With one fewer human in the house, it’s much easier to designate blame for the bathroom blunders. In fact, you’ll probably just add this to the mounting number of realizations of where <you> went wrong, realizations of how so much of the failure might be your own responsibility, and take self-led guilt trips touring shameful memories. Just rinse the sink yourself, if it’s so damn important to you. Then phone a professional therapist who can help you clean out your mental junk.

And that dear one, is how you rock the spring cleaning, step one. Step two, you will then work for years with that therapist that we just talked about. He or she will concentrate on those closets specifically with you, unpacking your baggage too. If you wind up atop that crumpled heap of clothing on your bed occasionally, everything a wrinkly mess, will you remember: what sparks joy?

There's really only one answer. A simple one. A place to start. The best kept secret to spring cleaning is this: you are worth saving.