What's it like coming out to a homophobic family

Have you gotten in a relationship recently while knowing your parents wouldn't be pleased with the gender you chose to date? Been there, done that. You're not alone. While coming out can be scary, I would love to tell you that coming out won't be the end of your world but the start of a new and freer you.

When I first came out or should say was outted by a family member and a few friends it felt like the darkest day in my life. It was lonely. I had family members messaging, calling me, talking to me about MY choices towards who I chose to love. It's so sad being told who you should and shouldn't love.

The day I was outted, I was living with a family member and she approached me about it once she found out before telling my mother and the entire family. As you probably could tell, our conversation exchange about me being lesbian wasn't fun.

"I don't like you anymore," the family member said to me. "you didn't think about how this could ruin your career. How could you throw this away?"

I couldn't even respond to that. I was so upset. I knew I was lesbian since I was 12. I'm 25 now with a writing and photography career. How is me loving another gender opposite from mine affecting my career? That's what I thought. Most of my family said I was in the wrong and that I should make smarter choices, which at the time made me feel dumb. Why were they treating me like I just robbed a bank?

I learned that they were taking my choice personally on how it affected them! Almost like it is so embarrassing that it could affect their life.

It wasn't even about my happiness. More about their appearance.

That's just selfish.

I remember thinking to myself and about my happiness. It seemed to not matter to them. To anyone in my family which was heartbreaking and hard to bear. After the big secret was out, I did have a depressing week where I found it so hard to communicate with anyone in my family. I felt so hated and shamed. I wasn't going to deny it. They don't know how hard it is to act like someone you're not for most of your life and I wasn't ready to go back to that.

Even though nothing I said back was going through their minds. It's very hard to change someone's view when they were taught one way.

I believe me staying quiet and living my life was the best way to go about this. And if they had questions I would answer it but I don't believe in answering personal things like, "are you sleeping with women now?"

Think about it.

Why do we have to answer those questions? I almost wanted to ask family members who were THEY sleeping with. That's personal and none of their business.

As time passed, I would ask the family who brought it up why was my love life so important. Don't you want to ask me about school? Or my new job? Or how I'm doing mentally? Why do you want to know about something that would upset you? Reminding them that life is short and we should enjoy each other.

For those worried about being disowned-sometimes, it is that upsetting that parents will say the most hurtful things that are hard to forgive. I thought about lashing out and never talking to my family again. However, the moment I had that thought, I lost one member who wasn't okay with me being lesbian but I was so upset that I didn't talk to that person and later they passed. They passed away while we were on bad terms and I miss them greatly today.

We should keep reminding our loved ones that the time we have here is temporary and using it in a hateful way can waste precious time. I know it's hard to do that and it sucks to be the bigger person in this case, but sometimes fighting back with love works out.

Today I and my family members talk. I always reminded them that there was more to me than my sexuality. And that time is priceless and death is unexpected. If they want to love me, they should do it now because tomorrow's not promised.

I didn't want to be outted but if it didn't happen, I wouldn't have the freedom I do today. I live in a nice home since I moved out of family's after me being outted. I can love who I wish and not feel pressured about other people's thoughts. I can invite anyone I want into my home. Most importantly I can love unapologetically. I've never felt freer. It's like a new person once it's out there.

It sucks we have to "come out" which shouldn't be a thing. I hope one day that term doesn't have to apply for anyone anymore.