What really hurts children is not the parents' divorce, but the attitude towards it

It is not the matter of divorce that hurts the children, but the attitude of both parties towards the matter of divorce".

Marriage is not child's play, and I believe that no one wants to divorce easily, and I don't support using divorce to escape from problems as soon as they come up. At the same time, I also do not agree with a marriage that is barely made up after the relationship has broken down. Marriage is a matter for adults, and children are innocent. I just hope that all children in divorced families in the world will continue to grow up happily and happily.

Labeling a child as pathetic leads to self-pity

"This child is a single parent, how pathetic!" Do you sound familiar with such words? Some parents even say, "Teacher, I'm divorced and my child is a single parent, please take care of him/her." Both the pity of others and self-pity, though well-intentioned, are very detrimental to a child's growth.

The most serious impact on a child's self-esteem, self-confidence, and behavior patterns comes from families with intact marital structures but full of conflicts.

Single-parent children do not lose the foundation for happy growth because of incomplete families, but rather prove that the lack of love for children is the key to happiness.

If a child is implied that "you are pathetic" for a long time, he or she will internalize this misconception as a self-concept and develop a self-pitying personality. In the long run, self-loathing, there will be optimistic. Therefore, there is no logical relationship between single parenting and "pity". We should correct our prejudices and not "kindly and ignorantly" cause additional harm to our children. At the same time, we should not be self-pitying, which will also be conveyed to the child.

It is not easy for everyone, and when we encounter setbacks, we must be more self-empowered, and never self-pity. The thing that "you feel sorry for yourself" is the most pitiful in the world.

After the divorce, they turn against each other and say bad things about each other

Not allowing the other party to get together with the children, etc.

No matter who is right or wrong, from the moment you decide to divorce, it is time to end the feud and go your own way. If you're hating, you can't let go. You can choose not to forgive, but you must learn to let go. The children, taking into account the growth of children, should put down the hatred, not force them to be friends, but at least not let the children for you to carry the negative emotions in this marriage.

Guilt for the children after divorce

And then the psychology of making amends

Many people may wonder about this - shouldn't divorced people feel guilty about their children? If you don't feel guilty, don't you have a conscience? Shouldn't they make it up to their children? If you have such a mentality towards your child, you are bound to unknowingly replace "love" with "spoilage", which is manifested as excessive concern for everything, i.e. controlling your child, spoilage is not loved, but possession and control in the guise of love.

Some single mothers have a long desire to control their sons even into adulthood, and in serious cases, they feel that their daughters-in-law have stolen their sons, generating jealousy and thus increasing conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Some single fathers feel indebted to their daughters and take care of them in every way, feeling that the world is full of dangers and not allowing their daughters to fall in love for fear of her being hurt. Both of these are extreme cases of control, and more commonly, always feeling that the child is lacking love, they are overly concerned and lose their sense of boundaries, leaving the child without freedom and leading to parent-child tension. So, the more guilt and atonement for the child, the more worrisome the parent-child relationship.

Divorce does destroy the complete family of a child, and what needs to be done is not to feel guilty and make amends, but to continue to care for the child as always. None of us want to go to this point of divorce, as long as we continue to love our children and do our parenting responsibilities, we don't owe them anything. No self-blame, no guilt, just learn from your mistakes and cherish the people and life you will have in the future. If you don't forgive yourself, your child will not learn forgiveness and openness.

What kind of effects do children from divorced families have?

1. Inner turmoil

Before parents get divorced, there will be a period of quarrel. During this period, because of the sound of quarrels, more or less will affect children's thinking, and many children will blame themselves, thinking that it is because of themselves that their parents got divorced.

2. Low self-esteem

Once parents divorce, no matter which parent the child follows, the child will have a sense of loss, such as compared with other able-bodied families, inevitably will have a feeling of inferiority, and worry, and will also be bullied by other children, so that they can not hold up their heads in front of friends, affecting learning and life.

3. Rebellion

I believe that many children will have this mentality after their parents' divorce. Due to the lack of family, children do not get love and encouragement, and to win more attention, most children will choose to behave absolutely in front of their parents and form antagonistic emotions with people around them, in fact, they just want to get attention and want to be protected. But if this psychology is not corrected in time, it is likely to lead the child to extremes, and the personality becomes irritable.

4. Isolation

A disharmonious family environment can make children feel nervous about interpersonal relationships, especially children in reorganized families, whose affectionate communication is limited due to careless fathers or disconnection with stepparents, and who feel neglected in the family, develop a sense of loneliness and behave out of the group.

5. Cowardice

Some parents, after divorce, tend to put their feelings and hopes on their children, and tie them down too tightly and discipline them too much. Over time, the child is psychologically overburdened, fearing that he or she will disappoint his or her parents, and thus becomes timid and fearful, cowardly and retreating.

6. rebellious

Some of these children do not accept the step-parent's discipline due to the separation of affection, or step-parents do not facilitate the control too strict, from an early age, they have developed not to serve the sky, everything is self-centered, due to the divorce of parents do not understand, a sense of disgust for the family, out of the psychological phenomenon of rebellion.

How can children of divorced families be happy?

Establish a correct outlook on life and marriage for children

The correct view of marriage is never to barely maintain the surface integrity of the home after the relationship has broken down. The children of couples who pretend to be in love will mistakenly believe that the essence of marriage is to get by because children are sensitive to the emotions of adults. As for those parents who argue all day long, it is even more harmful to the growth of their children.

The correct concept of marriage is to run the marriage with care, even if the relationship can not be repaired, the marriage has come to an end, face the facts, and bravely look forward. You can also have the destiny to reorganize your family. In short, live the life you want, it is good.

The concept of marriage is hidden in the attitude of people. You are brave to live your own life, or blindly follow the crowd, this is from your attitude towards marriage, there is no doubt. The marriage is not for others to see, the day is for their own, face their inner self, dare to say goodbye to the past, and start over, this is not commendable courage. Most of the future marriages of children will have the shadow of their parents' marriages. Children can copy their parents' happy marriages, but they can also avoid the pitfalls their parents have gone through and be just as happy and fulfilled.