What if...

What if I carried you to term, would you be happy with the choices that were made?

What if you were to beat the odds and survive that little, would you be a mommy's boy?

What if I went in the night before, could I have saved you?

What if I didn't get scared and actually told someone something was wrong sooner, would you be here and learned to crawl instead of learning to fly with the other angels.

What if this is how it was meant to be, a lesson to learn from and to work towards your rainbow sibling.

What if you did make it, would your father even care like he said he didn't when he found out I lost you?

What if I was never with your father, would you still have been conceived?

What if I just don't deserve to be your mom or anyone's mom?

What if you're up there with all of your great grammas and great grandpa, all your great great grandparents, and all the other family members guiding me to where I'm meant to be.

Losing you was one of the worst days in my life. Finding out about you was one of the best. You would have been so loved baby boy. You would be almost 6! You would be in First grade and talking and walking. I wish I could have done something different, something better to save you. My body failed you my boy. Mommy always thinks about you and all the what if's.

I may be one in four, but it doesn't hurt any less than anyone losing theirs. To all of you mommas who have lost your babies, I am so sorry. My love goes to you and so much baby dust for your rainbow babies. Don't give up, you are still a mom, no matter what anyone tells you. They may not be in our arms but they will forever be in our hearts.

The pain that we will always feel can never fully go away, a piece of ourselves is missing. We can have our rainbow babies, but still hurt wanting the one we lost. All the wondering about what they would look like, what their little laugh would sound like. Some should be in school, whether it's starting school or leaving school. Some should be big brothers or big sisters. Others should be little brothers and little sisters. Some should be both.

Unless you have lost your own child, please do not tell us who have that it could have been worse or all the "At least....." NO! There is no at least when you have lost your child. A little you that will never get to learn to crawl or walk or talk. While you sit there and complain your baby kept you up all night crying, just know others would love to be tired because their baby kept them up all night. Those days where you just drop your kids off and someone else takes care of them while you go out and have fun, do you know how many wish they could go out and have fun with the one they lost?

All those things you complain about or brag about, just know there's a mother wishing she could do the same thing. There are mothers who's only child is an angel baby and all they have to love on is the baby blanket they passed away in, or a wooden box made by their Great-Great Uncle.

While you complain that your kid fell, again, needing more Band-Aids, others wish they had the ouchies to make better.

Some of us are still suffering from the hurt, we go about our day like nothing is wrong, but we lost part of our world, our heart, and mostly ourselves the day our babies were taken too soon.