Water baby

I don’t have to go in deep about specifically where I was born and the time and etc. but this is my beginning so why not. I was born 1998 in Dallas Tx like right outside the city, Methodist hospital. Dallas is a beautiful city and always has been in my opinion but I will say .. those city streets aren’t so clean. My mom Vanessa and father George are seen in the picture above. Precious photo, only photo I really have of us three together. Not that it’s a bad thing. See my childhood may have similar background starters compared to others but my personal experience, would say otherwise.

Our memories from a very small age for the most part we don’t remember much. Me though, I remember so much it doesn’t seem real at times. From the beginning of my life I don’t have much vivid memories but from having Nice clothes, fed, and never alone. See I didn’t have a typical family house with a green lawn and white picked fence. We lived in the south side of Dallas. Yep the hood. No shame in it at all. Never affected me not even till this day, nor my mom and dad from what I know at least. It wasn’t perfect but better than who may have had it worst. Now how could that precious little one in the picture above live in such conditions. Like I said no shame. I was blessed to even have them wanting to be in my life and work to make sure I was good and they were too. Now mama had me young and she was still getting her grind on. Going to school to be a massage therapist, working, and still coming home to me and my dad. Now my dad on the other hand was a G in the streets. Not the perfect role model too most but hey I was little I don’t remember, and he didn’t put me In harms way he just did what he knew and provided. Mom said he sure loved me though, daddy’s little girl I would say.

You know when you have that moment to ask your parents “how was I when I was a baby?” then they have to think back to those core memories you’ve provided for them to remember, only if you were ever curious to know. Those are the ones either when we was acting bad or it really was a special occasion like a birthday. One thing I always remember my mama saying was how one story would scare any mother.

It was late night moms getting home from work, I’m home with my dad he’s doing who knows what, she comes in gets settled and asks him “ hey where’s Zeli?” The moment from when those words were spoken to a mothers Heart stops , probably in that moment it was so silent you could hear your own heart beating so fast. They stop everything my mom is looking for me and we live in these apartment buildings, but they not even the biggest community probably like two maybe three tall buildings on the corner of a street very close together you could walk outside and past by everyone doors. Now mind you my mom has a sister, Rosemary and she had kids which were my cousins. Her oldest was Priscilla. We were the first born of our moms, so close in birth my mom and aunt were pregnant together, cute right? Well get this, from where our apartments were, Rosemary house was literally a block down the same street from me.

* the apartments are on corner of this street*

* Arrow points down to where my cousin house was *

Okay so maybe you where this is going… I’m past the terrible twos stage, now it’s the invincible threes where you feel like you can do anything. Moms is freaking out! her little 3 year old toddler is not in her presence, wouldn’t you freak out too? At this point I don’t even know what my dads doing, didn’t get much clearance of that. Anyways, my mom then knows I’m obviously not in the apartment, so she resorts to outside. I’m sure she was screaming my name loud enough that it alarmed the neighbors. She runs to the street trying to see anything out in the darkness. As she turns the corner of her eye looking far out best she can, she sees something… with the help of those street lights, every space between those lights was a little shadow figure running with her black hair bouncing up and down in the wind.. can you guess.. it’s me.. and where is my little self running off to? Of course my cousins! Must of went there so much I just knew I could run down the street. Yes I was chased down and caught red handed by mama. Mission failed, much relief to mama though.

Stories like that stay with you. It’s a innocent act you did with no memory of it, but if the story is told right, you’ll always remember it. I was always curious about those times in my life, I just was. Always thinking. Wishing I could see more of that life, but hey maybe those memories are meant for our parents to cherish before we get older, so they may always see us in a different light. I think that’s precious. My way of thinking was different because at one point when I realized I’m alive and have memories and feelings & etc it was weird to think I was born, just felt like I spawned out of no where and was given life. Anyway hope that’s not to weird to understand. One thought I always come to wonder, how my life would of been if what came next never happened.

My dad.. I don’t know why he did the things he did back then.. why he couldn’t of taken another route. But at the the time, gangs and drugs thrived on the streets of Dallas where my mom and dad grew up. Everywhere that it was easily to get hooked, and resort to a family you felt like you never had. Not everyone will understand that side of life, a life so underrated that, they’ll act like it doesn’t exist. No one will ever be able to take a step or even want to put the shoe on to know what it takes to live that life for a day. It’s not pretty. It shouldn’t happen. But it does. Those privileges of being given the healthy lifestyle should never complain another day. I’m sure anyone would give anything to have what you had if it was better. Even then those who have it best aren’t even happy. I’m saying this because I didn’t have a dad as a lawyer, doctor, or any high end supporting career. My dad just was in that life for who knows what. I don’t judge him. I’m not upset. Just he got caught up and made a decision that cost him his life with me. He was sent away to the big house when I was 3, an age I really have no core memories to even know what it was like with him. Having that father daughter connection. The love of daddy’s little girl was there but not for me to build a strong connection to never forget. This is the part of my childhood I didn’t have, a mom and father in my life at all times. It happens all the time, different ways, different times, and everyone reacts or feels differently about it. It’s nothing to shame unless it’s happened to you and affected a part of you that you’ll never forget. When I did get older I had people always tell me that they were sorry for me. I wasn’t. And not in the way you think. Like I said there wasn’t a beginning I remember having with him to feel the emotions everyone expected of me. As time went on I just kept it to myself. Not that I was ashamed but it must of been a deep topic to mention because those who have both parents especially if they’re a girl who has a father, they probably couldn’t imagine being in my shoes. Don’t worry though most of my younger life I remember always seeing him, writing him. And I just never questioned where he was or why he was there. It’s funny because I knew he was in prison but I didn’t really grasp the depth of how serious his situation was. One core memory I can say I have of my mom and dad together .. if I could paint a picture of it I would. But I remember one day I was sitting next to my mom in front of that glass window between me her and my dad being on the other side. They spoke through those black plastic phones looked at one another so gracefully, and each placed their hands on that glass window touching but not even close just, there. And that to me is something so pure I’ll never forget it. In that moment I always wondered was that a love saying goodbye or something deeper. After that I never saw it again. Sad? Don’t be. I guess you just had to be there.

See I loved both my mom and dad differently in ways some people wont understand, and they obviously loved me. Those were my feelings and nothing changed them i felt happy, innocent to what was really going on. I just knew I felt love from them both in their own way of showing it. I mean look at that picture of us, they looked so happy, normal, everyday lovers and there little one in between. You wouldn’t even think they had a bad day in their lives seeing that picture. But those were in my eyes. There’s so much to tell and this doesn’t even feel like the beginning, don’t even know where it will all start. All I know is that I was loved and protected in ways I never realized I had to be.