Until We Meet Again

As a refugee coming from Syria to Lebanon, I had no expectations. Coming to Beirut, Lebanon, I hoped for a life better than Raqqa, Syria. However, that hope for a better life consisted of nothing more than the bare minimum of love from my husband, Jamal, and our love taking us somewhere better than the shambles of life we knew in Raqqa. Our struggle began about a decade ago, when the Syrian Civil War broke and the stability we had known vanished. Coming to Beirut was a blessing as a refugee. However, I was not prepared for the calamity that fell upon us on August 4th of 2020 which came to be known as the Beirut Explosion. After months of grieving Jamal’s death in the explosion, I am opening the black little notebook Jamal always wrote in, which I found in his dresser. I want to feel closer with him. I want to learn more about his thoughts the day before he passed away, feel his spirit close to mine, and most of all, to reassure myself that he loved me; he was all I had and my only friend. As I open the book my only thoughts are, "Jamal I hope your spirit is at rest, and wherever you are, Jamal, I hope you are safe."

(Fatima Reading Jamal’s Notebook-Most recent Entries)

Property of Jamal Hussein:

08/01/2020 Morning (Diary Entry)- Today marks the two years of being in Beirut. I have lost a lot in life, gained very little, but all in all I give thanks to the universe for bringing me this far. As a man who is the head of my family, I have failed my wife, Fatima, in many ways. I think about my failures every night. She had a miscarriage, while we were in Raqqa due to the stress of the war or at least that is what I tell myself… However, ever since the miscarriage happened Fatima was not the same. She loved that child in her womb, and now her joy is gone.

08/01/2020 Mid-Morning (Diary Entry)- The famous words: “to Err is human”…as a man who has fallen short and is guilted…I need to tell her. Maybe tomorrow I will?

08/02/2020 Night (Diary Entry)- I love Fatima, but I needed to do it to save us. Maybe she will understand… just maybe.

08/03/2020 Morning (Diary Entry)- The coincidence of finding someone made for you, by the universe, is rare. As the stars stretched across the sky and aligned themselves so beautifully on the day her and I met, my heart raced. All I could think was how Fatima's soul and its energy is pure, bliss and crafted by our creator so perfectly. She is precious and I vow myself solely to you, Fatima. If only she could understand me and why I did it.

08/03/2020 Night (Diary Entry)- After working so hard as a warehouse associate in Marfaa, by the Port of Beirut, I collected ل.ل. 20,000 Lira (Lebanese Pound-Currency).The universe is good. This is all hard work to bring to my wife, my world, and my joy. I will keep it attached at the end of this notebook, so we can use it for the two of us, and maybe for a future family, if only...

08/04/2020 Early Morning (Diary Entry)- I have to tell her. I hope I have the strength to do this, I will tell her today and give her the money in hopes of her seeing how much I still love her. Even if she leaves me after she finds out I caused her miscarriage, I just want her to be safe and loved even if that means she leaves me. I am marked by my sin as I am a murderer.

****Fatima’s Thoughts After Reading*****

I lost my two loves: my child and the murderer of my child. I feel overwhelmed with confusion and nothing is making sense to me. My questions in my head are “how, why, when?”. How does someone who loved me want to kill the child we created after our souls intertwined that night? I am at a loss for words, but I am mostly confused about whether or not the man I loved had another side. I know we were suffering, as refugees, maybe he wanted us to have one less mouth to feed in hopes of bettering our situation? Maybe he wanted a better life with me? Or maybe I am simply justifying a murderer? I flip to the back of the black notebook to see where he placed the money he earned and my heart shattered completely. Is this money proof that he loved me? Is this proof that he worked hard for us so we could become stable in Beirut? Or is this proof that Jamal Hussein is a sociopath and a killer who wanted to compensate his sins with money in order to buy his way to my forgiveness? He is gone now, and I will never know if our paths will cross again in the spiritual realms past this earth. That will be my only question to him until then. I wish for his soul to be at peace and for his energy be at rest.