Tragic Passion & Toxic Love: Part 4; The One Who Got Away

I had to sneak him in my house because my stepdad hated him, because he was... abusive to me and jealous of Taylor but my man needed me so I did everything I could. Until I couldn't anymore when I got caught. So we left. I had a place to go but it wasn't a home, Taylor's company was more of a home than living there in all that money could provide. We had the most embarrassing time of our lives that year... It changed us both. What left me dumbfounded though was this, despite being addicts & having nada, nothing to eat or drink, or cigarettes because yeah I've got a great many unhealthy vices... There were so many times when despite having nothing but each other, we would laugh and laugh and laugh, and even have fun sometimes, and at the time, that seemed so important, almost worth it. I never forgot about Noah, before I totaled my car I'd spend A LOT of time there, not as much as I wanted to or should have though. I missed him everyday and I have to live with every choice I've made that's brought me here. I thought the deep love we shared was more important than anything money could buy, I mean I grew up dreaming about true love and wanting nothing more. And maybe I was right... if you didn't have children who meant too much to you to just let go of. So, neither of us ever gave up on obtaining that needed growth. We spent a great deal of time living in all sorts of situations. I had began spiraling so far out of control with trying to be and STAY numb, I'd get so messed up, I'd cheat. Remember, hate myself, and tell him. I was a walking sharknado. Not tornado, SHARKNADO. I never meant to hurt him. I was lost and broken and clearly mentally ill of some sort. But he forgave me over, and fucking over. Even after the one time I didn't need to be drunk and high, because of real feelings, he still stayed, and I don't know why. I was bad. I was a legit villain. We ended up moving to this dude's house in Central FL, after his family moved to Ocala. We thought it was the start of a new beginning but it was obvious it wasn't going to work because the guy was just nuts, this time it wasn't even entirely my fault. There is never a reason to treat someone with no respect, and that's how the dude was treating Taylor. I snapped and made valid points and got kicked out. After that, I had to go back to my mom, and yeah, abuse... and Taylor was dropped off in Ocala after I asked his mom to let him try one more time and when she said yes, we said goodbye. It was the greatest thing for him. For us both really. He really started rebuilding himself. I took a bit longer. One day, everything he tried teaching me, hit me at once. For the first time in my life, I saw myself through everyone else's eyes. It was one of the most painful realizations I've ever experienced, but I thanked God nonetheless. We kept our relationship going long distance, but ended it mutually in late 2017. In the end, I think Taylor saved my life in many ways. Through suicidal thoughts, my love kept me here, through turning into a MONSTROUS person he didn't give up, and even though it took far too long, his words eventually taught me what I needed to learn, and I still think of them and practice it all everyday because he was right. I've had many opportunities to give up on motherhood, but I would never. I realized I could never be happy without my son. Taylor helped me learn to control my reactions, my anger, emotions, etc. and he taught me how to love, and that not all people show it the same way. He has many flaws, he's a total dickhead at times... but I don't think either of us will ever forget any of it, and he's a present, and a truly good father to our son Noah. Both boys talk from time to time, we both have our 2nd's adoptive parents on social media and their numbers. My boys are happy, loved, stable, safe, healthy, and Noah will always have me in his life. It's mostly thanks to him that I never gave up. And now I'm in a place... where I can say I'm A LOT more proud of the woman I'm turning out to be, I have a lot of people to thank for that, mostly the man I did not deserve, and because of that, I'll always stand by, but I guess I was just ready to grow up and take my life into my own hands. We went through HELL, and I've asked God why, a lot... but I'll make another post about that. As for Taylor, he's doing so great, and I'm so proud, and grateful. I'll always have love for him. That doesn't die. As far as romance goes in my future, I'm more focused on and excited about building a career and name for myself. Whatever is meant to be will be. :)