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Tragic Passion & Toxic Love: Part 3

by Audrey Elena about a year ago in grief

Passion Turned Toxic

New parents to our son. Happily in love. We think our dream journey of love is about to begin like we're impervious to a failed relationship, Taylor working 6-10 hour shifts. Newborn beauty Uncontrollable fear of failure. Postpartum Depression. Dependency on a person, which can ruin your entire life if you don't put a stop to it's progression, that is if you are even self aware enough to realize you're becoming dangerously dependent on someone that isn't yourself. At the end of the day, no one will fight harder for you, than you, so don't ever fight harder for a person than you do for yourself, because while you may help them along their journey, you could be severely damaging your own while also possibly robbing them of a valuable lesson they may be meant to learn on their path through life. Alongside having the fear of looking stupid, I let my pride break my heart beyond compare and ended up losing the love of my life, which I greatly feared more than anything else in my life, I'm ashamed to admit because I still felt that way even after I became a mother, that is what severe dependency can do to you. I'm merely blessed and lucky, both, to have been one of the few people who managed to wake up to who they really were becoming in time to make a change in themselves, and maybe even make a difference in the world if they choose to. I myself have decided to use my personal experiences and horrendous decisions that ultimately brought me nothing but pain, despair, terror, and hopelessness to my life in order to hopefully save other innocent people from going through something that is entirely avoidable. While what I made it through taught me great things that will only benefit me from here on out, I am only one of so many people who have suffered these things and I'm one of the lucky ones who didn't let their pain, or their fear of hopelessness in their lives, cause them to have no future or life at all, so if I can help them by talking about how valuable fighting for and living their lives in the best ways life would allow really makes a person feel, and they decide to take my word for it, and that word saves ANY number of lives, everything we suffered will have been worth it, and I'd even put Taylor through it all again for the same outcome that gave us both much needed knowledge I definitely never obtained, and surprisingly knowledge even he had needed to get through life. I finally managed to become a person I actually see having a bright and meaningful future. I finally feel like I have a purpose in my life worth more than just showering everyone with all the love I'm able to hold (which turns out is a HEAVY LOT). However that doesn't mean I don't still have terrible fear of failure, because if anything now I have even more than I used to, and the fear I used to have crippled me yet through some, honestly, un-explainable epiphany that I was truly blessed by God to see, unlike what I imagine to be nearly everyone else on the planet who probably never have an out of world experience like I did, and due to that I'm finally for the first time in my twenty-six years of life being brave by going after what I want, despite the immense fear of failing that in my past, ended with me letting it take everything I had cared for and wanted, away. I let the fear keep me from making any effort that way I wouldn't fail at all, but that was worse than failing. I was ignorant to think there was any way around being responsible for my own happiness let alone my baby son's life which I knew too well was so easily able to mess up... Anyways, he and I really believed that the love we had for each other would make it through any and every single horrible thing life could possibly throw at us, and for a long time, we showed life what we were made of. I really thought my dream of finding true love that mattered above all else actually came true, and it did, but not in the way I expected, or hoped for... but in a way that left two people who dove head first into each other and into the unknown lifestyle of adulthood which for our parents, was entirely different, and to us, so fucking much easier, we were blind-sighted by the fact that it looked so simple for them, because even though it's never simple, it was a far deal more so for our elders than it is for us, and we never thought it fair that we were raised how we were, differently but still felt the same way, and essentially tossed to the wolves which was life, and it utterly obliterated us entirely. Never seeing it coming because we couldn't see anything but each other, and at the time, I thought that our ability to have almost nothing but each other yet still manage to laugh and enjoy our company was a real life miracle kind of love, the kind you never let go.

Unbeknownst to me, Taylor dreaded Noah's arrival just fearing fatherhood knowing he wasn't ready, and low down, resenting me for deciding to keep the second child he put in my womb. While I was scared, I felt like I was able to handle anything because I loved my son so much already, but I knew nothing about life, or being a mother, and my desire to have a child so ignorantly, and so early on, was mere selfishness. I don't regret anything I've decided, our son taught us more than anything ever will, and I speak for myself when I say I'm glad we'll always be connected by him, as long as we always put him first, I just want to give him everything he deserves, and everything I never had. The day he was born is still my favorite memory for multiple reasons, but one is that Taylor showed me how much of a King he was capable of being when it mattered the most, despite his prior fears and feelings. We were so in love with the handsome angel our love was destined to create from, what I believe was actually true fate since the day we met each other. The days we spent in the hospital just us 3, were the happiest days of my life, I think his too, at that time at least. But then we went back to reality. Responsibility. It's ironic. They say "never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game" and that's exactly what I let happen. I didn't know anything, and I became someone everyone, myself included, could not stand, or recognize. I started realizing if we kept going at the rate we were, working minimum wage jobs one at a time because we were never on the same page, fighting over dumb lies, and my borderline insane obsession over what he was doing so I wouldn't end up looking stupid by trusting someone and ending up hurt, when in all reality, what he WAS hiding, was normal ass shit and I was losing my mind. I'm so embarrassed. I started realizing if I kept my son with me and my family that I was risking him growing up witnessing the same things I did, alcoholism, physical abuse, neglect, etc. not by us but by my parents. Taylor and I could have worked our jobs at the same time, we could have worked better jobs, and we more than likely still unable to have been able to provide everything we needed and everything he needed AND deserved. I hated growing up and being bullied for owning one tank top I had to wash and wear everyday. I didn't even want much... I wanted to look nice like all the other girls and I wanted a hobby. The money my dad sent would've covered it... but I never saw any of that. I wanted nothing more than to be a cheerleader in middle and high school, my mom refused to pay, or to take me to free practices. My friends stopped inviting me out because they got used to my mom being too lazy to drive me to the mall, where we all hung out in middle school. That caused fights only because I thought they left me out when they didn't want my mom to say no. I was terrified I was going to end up like her... so I cried a lot, I became depressed as I chose to let someone with all the knowledge and experience being a mother to take care of him while both Taylor and I got our shit together. I knew if anyone could give Noah what I needed him to have, stability, safety, endless love, and endless effort, it was my mother-in-law. I couldn't let my family take him. But I became dependent on Taylor. So, terribly dependent that I made the worst decision of my life... they offered to help me so I could stay with my son. I was so scared to be without Taylor, and a part of me felt bad if I said yes, because I led him there... but none of that should have fucking mattered! I SHOULD HAVE GRABBED WHATEVER I COULD AND LEFT WITH MY SON! But, I chose my need for comfort by staying with the man I grew to depend on for literally.... every single thing. I became the worst person imaginable.... I'm so ashamed. So they took Noah to their loving and stable home, and that's where he learned to walk, talk, potty, the whole fucking 9 yards. And not by me. Not by Taylor. By Taylor's family. I could have been there. I chose my man. One I'm not even with anymore on top of it all. Pain. Don't forget, I'm pregnant with baby #2 at this point.

After that, we lived like neanderthals. We pretty much stopped caring about everything but each other, and hardly at that. As passionately as we loved, we also fought. To be clear and fair, I was worse and I just wasn't good... his snarky, intentionally crude slick words never helped my volcanic and dangerous anger, but that's still no excuse for my actions. We were lost in a pit of I'm still not even sure. After the worst of it (at THAT time) I moved in with my aunt & uncle and he ended up homeless. Please don't point fingers at him, because looking back, I was 75-80% to fucking blame. Things got better slowly but substantially. I got my GED, and then a car. Taylor ended up sleeping in said car, I taught him to drive in that car. I was working as a nanny making pretty good money and I enjoyed it too. I made the INCREDIBLY, INSANELY, HARD CHOICE to give my second beautiful, baby, boy to a great family who was unable to conceive. I was under pressure beyond measure from everyone. But I didn't want to stick a second newborn with a woman who deserved better from the jump, but Taylor begged me not to so I made a deal with him. If he wanted me to keep our second, he had to achieve three simple but specific goals within the four months he had until my due date. 1. Reapply for school. 2. Apply for food stamps for himself. 3. Find any job. I promised him I'd keep our son if he showed me the initiative I knew it would take to drag himself from that pit of fear and depression in order to keep our entire family we dreamed of making, intact, as one. He ended up doing none, in fact he let himself go so badly I still ended up applying for his food stamps after Julian's birth, which I understand the difficulty of doing anything at all when you're that low... which he missed because he didn't wake up on time to catch the bus needed in order to be there. I had my aunt though, she held my hand, and cried with me as I first heard his cry, which destroyed my entire being for a while. But I knew just as my aunt did, it was for both of our boys best interests that I make that decision. I do not regret it. Our boys are thriving so beautifully I couldn't have asked for them to be happier, healthier, more loved, or stable, and both of them know their father and I love them beyond any form of measure. In fact Noah gets annoyed because apparently I say it too much, he'll respond with "I know! You always say that all the time, I know I know already!" I still say it though, it's fun to mess with him now that he's as smart as his father but with a smart mouth as hilarious as mine. My own son has called me "loud mouth" and "talk a lot", he's too smart for his own good, because he's not wrong... It hurts me everyday to live without Julian but I made the one rule, I'd do it as long as both boys have a relationship, and as long as my in-laws, also have some access to him. I really hurt and betrayed my mother-in-law more than anyone I think, but I had no real choice as it was that or live homeless. I didn't want to. I just wanted my boys to have what I never did, and I just couldn't bring myself to let her and her husband take care of TWO of my babies especially since I lost the chance to stay there and be a part of it and help they offered me that I idiotically and so regrettably turned down.

WILL CONTINUE IN PART 3.5, which will be the darkest, I hope he is proud that I'm trying to use my mistakes to help others instead of being selfish when I have the opportunity to help people avoid what tragedy we suffered. But in order to truly do that, I cannot lie. So Taylor, if you do read this, I'm trying to make a change in the world by sharing our pains, and errors, to hopefully prevent some other young couple from enduring that same devastation... Please don't be angry.

Audrey Elena
Read next: Understanding the Effects of Addiction on the Family
Audrey Elena
See all posts by Audrey Elena

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