Today is Monday

Let's see, today's a Monday right? I need to do the dishes. That's right, because yesterday was Sunday, because I visited the grave yesterday.

Today is a not good day. Stella says I need to not say 'bad day' because it'll manifest bad vibes. Now, don't get me wrong, Stella, she's good people, but she's not a therapist. Therapy isn't covered with my copay - so Stella it is. Stella is also a sweetener.

Where was I? That's right. Today. Today's a not good day. It's an anniversary. The day I lost Alyssa Grace Rossman. She was named Alyssa after her grandmother on her mom's side. I think my Verizon bill is due this week. Her mother and I thought Grace sounded nice with Alyssa.

"Hey watch where you're going" A stranger says as he passes by. He doesn't know that today's a not good day. I'm walking to the grocery store, I've gotta buy some dish soap. Her mother didn't disappear all at once, it happened in stages. Like Cancer. She never said it was my fault, but she didn't say it wasn't either.

"This is Depakote, you can split them like this, don't give her more than 60mg a day," says Doctor Harold Westfield. He looks like a barn owl. I'd like to blame him but it's not his fault. That drug did stop the seizures for a good while.

Speaking of drugs, I should get some Melatonin while I'm here, sleep doesn't come too easy. "Can I squeeze past ya?" an older lady asks with a shopping cart. I stopped so I could go ahead and pay my phone bill. You can pay online now, doesn't take too long.

The divorce was finalized two weeks ago. No, it was three. It went fast honestly the whole process. Mia didn't want anything from me. Except a daughter. She cut her hair after it happened. "Did you give her too much?" Mia asked, and it was hard to concentrate at the time, we were both busy with Alyssa. "Are you okay?" the older lady asks, I wipe my face "Yes, today's just not a good day"

I didn't give her too much. I don't think I did. I'm almost certain I didn't. "Not to exceed 60mg a day" That's what Doctor Westfield said, and it's what I repeated. That's not as good an answer as "No, I didn't" though is it? It all happened so fast too. "Paper or plastic?" the cash register asks, I say 'paper' because I read that it's better for the environment in an article a few weeks back.

"Adult ADHD can only hinder you if you let it" That's Stella again. I think I already let it. I wasn't diagnosed with it till after the funeral. Mia grabbed my hand so tight, she and I both gave speeches. I was supposed to be strong for her, but I couldn't do that either. "We love you so much" she said, eyes overflowing looking down into a small casket. Alyssa was wearing a white plaid dress I had bought her. Mia had planned to say more, but couldn't. I don't blame her. The flowers were beautiful. I still can't stand the scent of lavender.

I'll go to work tomorrow, so I set three alarms. One for waking up, one for waking up again, and one for panicking. I didn't make any plans for today. My bookshelf is a little disorganized, it won't take long to put back in order. You forgot to bring in the groceries. The first few months were the worst, cause her room was still intact. I painted over the name 'Alyssa' on the wall. Mia and I didn't talk on the way back from the funeral.

I go to the garage to get the groceries, stubbing my toe along the wall. I cursed, but kept walking. Sometimes I really hate inanimate objects. It's early in the afternoon, but I could use a nap.

"Read it again daddy, please!" I do, because she asked nicely. I hate Fox in Socks. After putting the milk in the fridge I return to the bookshelf.

"Socks on Knox and Knox in box, Fox in socks on box on Knox." It doesn't matter that I threw it away, I can quote the damn thing back to front. But I can't remember dosage? Ridiculous. "Read it again daddy, please!" I've already read it twice, but it is her favorite.

At first I organized them small to big, but honestly I think it could look good if I put some flat. I look up a short video on how to decorate a bookshelf. You need to do the dishes still. The video doesn't take too long, but there's a couple of other videos that look interesting, and they're by the same guy. Alyssa loved to decorate she was only four and a half, but I bet she would've been an awesome interior decorator. She would've used too much glitter.

It's pretty late in the afternoon by the time I'm done watching. The bookshelf could look pretty good, but it's honestly the wrong color for the room. Maybe it needs glitter. I might just throw the bookshelf away. Sometimes I hate inanimate objects. "I want a divorce" Mia said. I didn't ask why. Did she want me to ask why? Did she want me to fight harder? I end up putting a picture of Alyssa and I on top of Fox and Socks. I had to dig it out of a full trashcan.

"Do I have to?" Alyssa's last words. She hated taking her medicine. I said she did, but if she did, I'd read Fox in Socks again. I don't think I showered yet today, no I didn't. It's never too late for a shower. By the time I had finished Fox in Socks again she was asleep. A trick I used was each time I read the book I would read it quieter and quieter. Of course no one thinks about last words when they happen. I should have read it louder.

I step out of the shower, it's almost time for bed. "I'm sorry for your loss" That's what a thousand people said at the funeral. I'm sure they were, but I'm sick of that phrase too. A movie could be a good idea before bed. I need to make popcorn though. "Daddy, there's no more popcorn" Alyssa would say, I was the popcorn runner, pausing the movie was next to treason. They took Finding Nemo off of Netflix.

"Oh, that's a nice name," Alyssa says with Dory. She could quote the entire movie. Like father, like daughter. "Look at the camera you two!" Mia took a picture of us both engrossed in a movie we'd seen a hundred times. I like that picture a lot. It's on my bookshelf.

The credits roll and I realize that I still haven't done the dishes. It is pretty late. I might just do them tomorrow before work. They won't take that long. I decide to go to bed. Did you set your alarms? I check my phone to see. I did, thank goodness, but there's some pesky notifications to get rid of.

The time has to be wrong on my phone. Nope. It's late, I'd better go take a Melatonin. "ALYSSA!" Mia screams, I'm on my way before she can scream for more help. I'm on the phone with the dispatcher. "It's my daughter, she's, yes, please, a seizure, what? Yes, now, 1211 August Lane, Avon Springs. Hurry," I hang up. By the time they got there she hadn't been breathing for minutes. She hit her head hard on the bed frame. Sometimes I really hate inanimate objects.

While I wait for the Melatonin to kick in, I decide I'd better do the dishes. I'm up anyway.

You forgot to buy dish soap.

Today's a bad fucking day.