To My Little One..

This may be a hard read for some of you, maybe because you have experienced it, or maybe because you are terrified of it happening. Remember, be kind in all things, you never know what someone is truly going through. You never know who needs a little ray of sunshine or a sliver of hope. With that being said, in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month, I present to you, "To My Little One."

You would have been one, just last month. You would have been learning to take your first steps. You would have been learning how to say sentences. You would have been terrorizing your big sister. You would have been keeping mommy on her toes. You would have been oh so loved, my little one.

I was terrified when I found out about you. Your sister wasn't even one yet, but here you were making your presence known. I didn't have any symptoms at first. I hadn't even missed my period yet, but those two little lines popped up on that test. I took several beings the lines were faint at first, but they were there. You were there. As far as I knew, you were healthy. It was right after Christmas when I found out. You were definitely a huge surprise. I wasn't ready for another baby, not just yet. Your sister was a handful already by herself, I didn't know how I was going to take care of two. What I didn't expect, though, was to lose you 💔.

While I wasn't ready just yet, I was slowly trying to figure things out and coming to like the idea of having two littles running around. I started wondering, what would you look like? What would your eye color be? What would your hair color be? Would you be a quiet baby or loud? Would you like to be cuddled? I wanted to know all these things.

I finally got an appointment with a doctor. It was in a month, two days after my birthday. I was so nervous. I wanted everything to be okay, because a few days before, I started bleeding. I was hoping it was nothing. I was hoping it was just the implantation bleeding. But I knew. I knew something wasn't right. According to my last menstrual cycle, I should have been almost 9 weeks, but the ultrasound showed I was only 6 weeks and 6 days. There was no heartbeat. They tried to tell me you could just be developing still, but I knew. You were no longer with me. They scheduled another ultrasound appointment for the following week to see if you had grown, to see if there was a heartbeat. That whole week I was waiting, was torture. I was hoping and praying everything was okay, even though in the back of my mind, I knew you were gone. I begged and pleaded hoping you would stay with me. I was hoping you would be able to meet your sissy.

The appointment is finally here. I'm shaking trying to go through the hospital to find where I need to go. I'm trying to keep a clear head and not show that I'm afraid. I'm trying to be strong for you. We get called back and they get me all setup in the chair. As soon as they put the wand on my stomach, the whole room went silent. We all knew at that point. Even your sissy who is always rambunctious, was still. I couldn't stop it, the tears just started to fall. I felt like it was my fault because I said I wasn't ready. The tech tried to calm me. She kept telling me it was nothing I did, but to be honest, I wasn't really listening. I just kept staring at the screen while cradling my stomach. I wanted you back. I needed you back. At that moment, you consumed my every thought.

That day I had to make decisions. Decisions I never thought I would have to make. I had to figure out if I wanted to take a pill to induce labor, or if I wanted to have a D&C (dilation and curette). I went back and forth on what I wanted to do. I honestly didn't want to do either, but I knew I had to choose one or the other. I discussed with the nurse and asked what she thought would be the better choice. She told me about when she went through this and she took the pill, but all it did was kickstart contractions. Her body didn't expel anything, so she had to have the D&C anyway. We decided to do the D&C.

Instead of planning how I was going to tell everyone about you at your sissy's birthday party, I was planning on who was going to watch her while I was in surgery. I was planning on who would be keeping her, while I had my last moments with you. I felt empty, numb. I felt like a part of me was missing. It was, I was missing you.

It's now the day of the surgery. At first, I was surprisingly calm. I guess reality hadn't sat in yet. The closer we got the hospital, though, the more I filled with dread. It was finally hitting me that you would no longer be here. I would no longer be carrying you. I wouldn't get to see your fist smile. I wouldn't get to hear your first giggle. I wouldn't get to see you take your first steps. All of your firsts, I wouldn't get to see. I wouldn't get to experience life with you.

The surgery went smoothly. I was told all was well, that it was time for me to go home now. I didn't want to leave. That hospital was the last place I carried you, and here I was leaving without you. No, you weren't big enough, yet, for me to know if you were a boy or girl. No, you weren't big enough, yet, to have a viable life outside of the womb. No, you weren't big enough, yet, for me to even give you a name. I still wanted you, though. I wanted you back.

You were wanted, my little one. You were loved. You are still loved. I think about you a lot. I wish you were to see your sister. I wish you were here so I could see you, and show you how much I love you. I do want to thank you, though, for sending me your brother. I hope one day, we will meet again. I love and miss you, my little one.

No one tells you how much pain you will be in after this procedure. I still felt contractions for days, and I was bleeding constantly. They don't tell you that sometimes they miss pieces, and you get blood clots and clumps that come out on their own. They don't tell you about the mental turmoil you might go through. They don't tell you about the depression stage that hits after, because it was too early right? They don't tell you about how you disconnect from everyone. They don't tell you that you will feel numb for months after. How could they though? They aren't you.

If you know someone who is currently grieving a loss or even past losses, be there for them. Please for the love of God do NOT tell them, "At least it happened early." They knew they were pregnant. They were excited. These losses hurt a lot more than you may think. Be patient, kind, and gentle. You never know what someone may be going through behind closed doors. You never know what is going on behind their smile. You never know what is going on in someone else's mind.

To everyone remembering a loss or losses this month, you are not alone. It's okay to mourn your loss. No matter how far along you were, your baby existed. Your baby mattered. Your baby was loved. If you need too, rely on your family and friends this month to be your strength, when you feel like you can't keep going. You can always message me if need be as well. I know this is rough. I know it sucks, and I know you want your babies here, but sometimes their life was to precious too meet ours. Remember them today and always. I send my love out to each and every one of you. Let's stand together from today on. Uplift each other. Embrace one another. You still matter. You are not broken. You are not damaged. Unfortunately, these things happen. They happen a lot. They also happen in silence. Speak up. Speak out. Speak loudly. Let's end this stigma that losses are supposed to be dealt with in silence.

I want to add a little extra here. Men and women grieve differently. While you may be crying and angry with the world, your spouse may be quiet and turn to something else to keep their mind off it. Remember everyone processes things differently. Also, if you are not the one who carried the pregnancy, do not, and I mean DO NOT, tell the one who's body went through this, that the loss affected you more than them. I can guarantee you, it didn't. With that being said, be there for each other because you're going to need all the support you can get. Yes, there will be tension, but try to remember this hard for everyone involved, including your older children.

I am 1 in 4.