The World According To Winnie

To say my relationship with my mother was complicated would be a gross understatement. Our love-hate dynamic began when I was 3 weeks old. At that time, my biological mother passed away following a medical mishap and I was suddenly placed for adoption. She agreed to take me on after her husband, my soon to be adoptive father, fell instantly in love with the little bundle that was me and refused to let the matter drop. At 43, with one son that was 15 (and halfway out the door), and a history of what I now know undiagnosed mental illness, she was neither inclined nor equipped to devote the second half of her life to a newborn, but it was 1971, and she did what she thought a dutiful wife should do, she agreed. She signed the papers and they brought me home.

Winnie was born in 1929, and having been raised in the 1930's and 40's she soon found herself in over her head with a headstrong, questioning child of the 70's and 80's. The world was changing in ways she couldn't understand and she genuinely feared. Children were no longer seen and not heard. Young people began expressing thier opinions, their preferences, and asserting their rights. For her, I was the very embodiment of the generational shift she saw as the downfall of society as she knew it. We clashed continuously as I asserted myself and she struggled to bring her unruly child into line. I grew up, convinced she hated me and everything I stood for. In many ways, I think she did. In others, I think she admired my ability to break the chains of covention and to do and say the things she couldn't.

Oddly enough, dispite all that, Winnie had my back like no other! When the school called because I was being "insubordinate," she was right on the line to straighten them out. Another child bullying me? No problem, she was on the phone quicksmart to the parents, letting them know that further foolishness in regard to her daughter would be neither entertained, nor tolerated. And she knew stuff. She was a wealth of knowledge, maybe not "book knowledge," although she was very intelligent, but "life stuff". Granted, I suppose growing up a Black child during the Depression, having to fight your way (literally, she would have to fight on her way to and from school) through life teaches you a thing or two.

Winnie had sayings, one liners, little quips about people and the world. Some, I can't repeat here because they just aren't appropriate to life in our time, but others continue to stick with me to this day and have proven to be sound advice. I've chosen 3 of her most useful pearls of wisdom to share.

1. Don't Ask, Don't Get

This was my mother's way of saying two things simultaneously, people aren't mind readers and if you need help, ask. Pretty simple really and it's served me well over the years.

2. The Chickens Always Come Home to Roost

This was Winnie's way of saying what goes around comes around. Basically, if you're a jerk, or you treat people badly, you need to expect the same treatment in return. It may be immediate, or it may take years, but eventually, it'll catch up with you, and it won't be pretty! Again, she wasn't wrong.

3. If Someone "Feels" Off to You, It's Because They're "Off"

This one is my absolute favourite and one that I should have listened to many, many times in my life, and didn't, to my detriment. This was her way of saying follow your gut, your intuition, your inner voice, whatever you want to call it, it's trying to tell you something.

We've all met people that we disliked at first sight. There seems to be no real reason for it; it feels almost like an allergic reaction. There's something that just doesn't sit right. And what do we do? We instantly feel remorse and let our guard down for that person because we don't want to be bad or judgmental. Then what happens? Invariably, we end up ripped- off, heartbroken or in some other unpleasant state because we didn't follow that feeling we had. If you feel that feeling, LISTEN, run, don't walk, away from that person, you'll save yourself a lot of trouble.

It's the single best piece of advice she gave me and although it took me over 40 years to follow it, I do now, to the letter.

Winnie was finally diagnosed with various mental illnesses when she was well into her 80s, and passed away on Christmas day, 2020 in her 92nd year. Our complex relationship will always be a part of me, as will her tidbits of homespun advice, which I've since passed on to my own children. In many ways, she's still here as the voice in my head, and I suspect she always will be.