The three words that hurt their children the most are like knives, but many parents talk about them every day.

In the process of parenting, we talk a lot to our children every day. Many times, we don't realize what kind of words account for the most in what we say to our children every day.

Some parents will continue to encourage and recognize their children. And some parents, intentionally or unintentionally, have been giving their children "bad reviews."

Perhaps you will not realize how much impact those derogatory and damaging words on a child will have on his future life.

Psychologist James Gilligan has specialised in violent crime. He found that most of these people suffered from verbal, emotional and physical abuse in their childhood.

Finally he came to the conclusion that they had lived in a state of shame from an early age.

What is a sense of shame

Praise and blame points out that when a person is despised because he is not respected by others, he will experience the feeling of "shame", which is a sense of shame.

If the child is in the family, it is often despised, censured or ignored. In that case, he is prone to a sense of shame.

You might say, isn't it good to have a sense of shame? know shame and then be brave. Only by knowing shame can you spur yourself to progress.

A proper sense of shame is really not a bad thing, it can avoid arrogance and pride.

But a persistent and excessive sense of shame is not a good thing and can be a disaster for children.

Because shame will remind the child that you are not accepted by us and that you are not one of us. In the long run, children will live in fear of exclusion.

How can a jittery child focus his attention on developing intelligence and pursuing progress?

So, when we raise children, we can give occasional shame, but if we have too much, we really don't need it.

For example, the following three sentences, the most hurt their children, every sentence is like a knife, but many parents still talk about it every day.

I can't remember how many times I've talked about it. Are you a pig?

Every parent who has helped their child with homework will have the feeling that a very simple question has been said several times, and the child's brain is like paste, and he can't turn around at all.

As the time is getting late, parents are becoming more and more anxious. As soon as I was in a hurry, I couldn't help blurting out the words.

In fact, when we say this, we may just be emotional and simply want to vent. I love my children, but I just hate that iron is not steel.

But in the eyes of children, the lethality of this sentence is very great. Because no matter whether he reacts to silence or talk back after hearing this, he is bound to begin to doubt himself.

"stupid" means that there is something wrong with the child's intelligence. And intelligence, is a person's inborn gift, not to say that a hungry meal will be fine.

When children hear such words, they will be ashamed of their own defects. If he listens too much, he will enter a state of low self-esteem.

Psychologically, people with low self-esteem tend to rely on external factors. For example, a word of encouragement, encouragement or agitation from others may cause him to act impulsively and do irrational things.

For example, teenagers learn bad, fight, and so on, often because of one or two words of others, lead him astray. Because children with low self-esteem need to gain self-esteem and recognition from others.

He did not form a firm stand, a strong self, only a strong sense of shame. In order to get rid of this feeling, it is easy for him to act rashly.

How can I count on you when I'm old?

Children's grades are not ideal, which will give parents a headache. Coupled with the fact that children are usually naughty and do not know how to study hard, when their parents are disappointed, this sentence is inevitably on the tip of the tongue.

Parents' worries are not unreasonable. Nowadays, the competition in society is becoming more and more fierce. if children do not study hard, they will inevitably be left behind in the future, and they may not have a good life.

We don't really expect the child to provide for his old age, but if he can support himself in the future, it's just that with such achievements, he will suffer losses in the future.

Therefore, when the child does not study hard, we want to make use of his filial piety and use this sentence to arouse his fighting spirit.

However, perhaps we do not expect that this sentence is not only difficult to arouse the enterprising spirit of the child, but also may bring counter-effect.

Because children will use external evaluation, especially parents' evaluation, to define what kind of person they are.

When the child hears this sentence, he will interpret it as: my mother thinks I can't do it. Even when she gets old, I still can't. I can't do anything.

This will destroy the child's sense of self-efficacy.

Psychology defines self-efficacy as feeling capable of accomplishing something.

People with a high sense of self-efficacy will be more confident and resilient. Such a person has peace of mind and never doubts his ability when it comes to things.

On the other hand, people with low self-efficacy often find it difficult to face setbacks. They always feel inferior to others, can't do it well, and can't do it. For such people, it is easy to escape and give up when they encounter difficulties.

People with a low sense of self-efficacy find it difficult to gain a foothold in society and rely more on others to live.

For example, most of those who nibble on old age have low self-efficacy and feel unable to adapt to society and cope with the difficulties of life. They feel that they need to rely on their parents to survive.

Why are you not as good as others?

Many children, even their own excellent children, will hear this sentence from their parents.

We often think that through comparison, we can make children realize their own shortcomings and see the gap, so as to arouse enterprising spirit and strive to catch up.

Every once in a while, one or two words may be fine, but if you say too much like this, the child will see another attitude in our emotions.

Often belittled as "inferior to others", children will think that they will never compare with others, that they will always be the bad one, and that they will never be able to do well.

Psychology talks about a word-"self-fulfilling prophecy".

That is, what you often say may become a prophecy for your child's future. Because the role of hints day after day will change the child's mental state and his view of himself and the world.

When you always say that your child is not as good as others, gradually, he will really feel that he can't compete with others.

In the face of competition, he will imply himself in his heart, don't argue, you can't compete. In the face of opportunity, he will imply to himself in his heart, don't waste your effort, you can't win others. Even if he succeeds, he will not blame his efforts, but will regard it as "good luck".

The above three sentences seem to be just a few simple words, but for children, they are extremely lethal.

The child's self, self-esteem, is not strong enough, if we often use such words to belittle and hit him, the child may really become what we say-stupid, futile, inferior to others.

Do you often say these three words to your children?