The Strong Woman's Guide To Surviving An Adversarial Divorce/Separation with Children

Do you feel alone, lost and broken? Unsure where to turn for advice, or what advice is even worth trusting? This is commonplace to find yourself in when you're staring down an adversarial or difficult divorce or separation, especially when kids are involved. Your heart is walking outside your body, and everything feels vulnerable.

I should know. I have faced two very difficult & devastating breakdowns in my two longterm relationships. Once after 16 years & three beautiful children together, he took up with my female best friend after I left him.

The other, I am still living through the worst of it. Mental health issues mingled with narcissistic personality traits, many lies, and a beautiful baby born before the truth & abuse came out. This one cuts deep like a knife - my baby's safety at risk, my older kids scarred & damaged by the pain of what they experienced & by watching what I went through & continue to battle day in and day out.

At first, I felt like a failure. How could I have let this happen again? How did I miss the red flags that eventually came to the surface? Why couldn't I find the strength to leave sooner? What if, what if, what if...

The truth is, none of the above matters. Not one little bit of it matters or will help you heal or move forward. What matters is the here and now, how you live each day, where you take my motivations from, how you show up in the world & conduct myself in family, friendship & business.

Negatively judging yourself for something you have no control over (someone else's internal struggles) will get you nowhere. That is the truth.

So, enough with putting yourself down. Goodbye to worries of the future & things you cannot control. Hello to the knowledge that you can & will do your best, and you and your family will be better for it. What can you do to better yourself & bolster your children up during this challenging time? Read on...

1) Get outside, get moving & soak up the sun.

AIt's no secret that physical movement is a natural anti-depressant. Plus, moving and grooving is a tactic used in therapeutic settings to counteract the negative rumination by making our bodies do something commonly associated with happiness - like dancing! Throw on your favourite tunes and move around wiggling & jiggling; you'll be amazed how much better you feel after just a few short minutes.

2) Journal; gratitude, anger, sadness, questions, worries, concerns. Put it all down on paper, sister.

You can use a pen, stylus or keyboard. However, you must get your pen to paper and start journaling. There are tons of awesome apps if you search "gratitude journal" or "mental health journal" in your app store of choice, too, so no excuses.

What do you write about? Whatever your mind is spitting out. What do you always make sure to include? A few short lines on the things you are most grateful for in your life & why. I suggest you start each day with a gratitude journal entry and follow up with a more broad journal entry whenever your heart desires. Getting whatever is in your head out and onto paper often makes it much easier to handle.

3) Get a good lawyer.

If children are involved in your situation, whether you are married or common law, you will most likely need excellent legal representation. First, see if you qualify for any legal aid or other support to help lawyers' costs. Unfortunately, they are costly and often spend a lot more time than is needed on each file.

If you have access the legal aid, great. If not, find a lawyer who is willing to work collaboratively with you so that you can complete whatever docs are possible, saving on time & money - a LOT of money in the long run. Your lawyer should always have your best interests at heart & top of mind when negotiating on your behalf.

4) Surround yourself with supportive people you love and who love you back.

You may have ten, or you may only have one. Whoever you've got that loves you unconditionally and will be there to hear you cry, vent, question & solidify. Make sure your support persons know that you're going through something big and that, however they can show up for you, you are incredibly grateful. Consider a thank you note or small token as a thank you for the times they come to bat for you, extend a needed shoulder or ear or physically help you out of a jam.

5) Immerse yourself in what you adore. Your kids, your work, your hobbies, your home. Whatever you dig - keep it close at hand and find time to spend every day.

Do you love painting? Get yourself an easel and set it up somewhere you can't miss it. Want to help the kids find their happiness? Take them out and about (safely) and burn energy at parks, walking trails & more. Opportunities at your job? Seize them and immerse yourself. Don't negatively distract yourself - instead, find time to enjoy all of the things you love in a balanced and comfortable fashion.

6) Keep the harmful internal & verbal diarrhea at bay.

Our minds can hurt us deeply when they speak down at us, telling us we are inadequate, unworthy, the problem, the reason things went wrong. You have to develop the ability to notice when this is happening & nip it in the bud. Remember how much you have accomplished, how far you have come & the life you are currently building for yourself. Instead, try replacing those dark thoughts & feelings with positive ones such as "I am enough.", "I am capable of weathering this storm and coming out the other side stronger than ever.", "I am in control, and nobody else will tell me what to do.", "I am worthy, loveable and don't deserve the pain that I am experiencing. I am strong & will get through it with grace." Just a few ideas to get your love juices flowing.

7) Develop daily personal mantras & speak them out loud.

Similar to the above, you need to create daily mantras that mean something significant to you. Everyone's mantras will be different since we are all unique & beautiful beings on a path to finding out ultimate dharma (purpose) in life. There are some great Youtube videos with positive affirmations & mantras. I suggest you google "Positive affirmations for healing from divorce" and listen to a few. You will likely find that a handful of the sayings resonate with you. Write them down and repeat them every day, multiple times a day. It takes our bodies a couple of weeks of habit to experience change & shift in mindset, so be patient with yourself.

8) Talk to your children at an age-appropriate level about what's going on.

Kids young and old are incredibly resilient. That doesn't mean we should gloss over what is best for them by any means, but know that your kids can see & understand more than you know. As such, it's best to discuss issues ongoing openly with your children at an age-appropriate level. Ask about their feelings, worries, fears. Discuss what they feel, how it affects them daily, and what you can do to ease the discomfort they may be feeling due to the breakdown in your relationship. Honour whatever experience they are having, accept them without judgement & envelop them in hugs. As hard as it is for you, it is extremely hard for them too.

In conclusion...

The power to heal is within you. Mind over matter, replacing negative inside talk with positive truths. You are capable. You are brave. You are safe. You are strong. Nobody controls you & you won't stand for being treated poorly any longer. You are worthy, so worthy of unconditional love, affection & understanding.

Now is your time to take charge of the wheel & drive smoothly towards a path of freedom from pain, woe, worry & sadness. Pick up the pieces of your broken heart and glue them back together. You'll be stronger & even more beautiful for the hurts you have healed and the strength you have gained. You've got this, sister.