The Single Mothers Survival Guide Series - A Written Plan

“Many Wisdom traditions tell us to call things that are not as though they are!”

As single mothers, what is it we want to accomplish? Own our own business? Write a book? Meet Mr. Right? Spend more time together as a family? Have more outings—or maybe just feel normal again? Since it is easy to stay in a survival mode, most single mothers go into this mode first. Not only that, it is very easy to stay in this mode because just to survive at this point takes a tremendous amount of intelligence and energy. The goal I wanted to attain was to thrive, not just survive. To thrive, after a reasonable amount of time you must first get out of the survival mode. The next step is creating a roadmap, or a (once again) written plan that comes from your vision of what you feel you want or need in order to thrive.

You will want your life to look as much like your vision and the priorities you have set down and written. After that, document the steps it will take to achieve this, along with a time line to record each step. In other words, the rocks in your jar of sand should now become the focus in your life, but you still need to keep your eyes on the sand. (Remember the Previous Article)

In the beginning, my rocks and sand wouldn’t fit into my convoluted jar, or was it my rocks and sand that were convoluted? “Oh, my God”, I thought. “How will I ever do anything again?” I had four children, $600 a month in child support, some rental income, and a mother with asthma and a broken hip. So, what did I do? I wrote and wrote and read and read and listened to positive tapes. I went to seminars and virtually did whatever it took to give me faith to even dare to dream. One thing I stuck with consistently was the vision of my future. I may have changed vehicles and goals, but the basic feeling of wanting to achieve remained the same. I wanted my plate filled with peace, love, achievement, happiness, unity, and harmony.

At first, I didn’t comprehend that my goals would lead me to reach the underlying feelings of my desires. I sat down and wrote, I want to make $50,000 a year, have a nice car, a nice home, and lots of food for my children and me. I want to meet a nice man and be happy and grow together with him in a relationship. I want to be skinny and have nice clothes and write a book. I want lots of friends and I want to have huge Christmas gatherings with my family” After reading Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life, I changed my vision statement to: Abundance is my natural state; all is well in my world; I am now in the winner’s circle. I am a good mother and have a nice husband; my children are protected and safe. I am loved!

My vision was now stated in the present—not in the future tense. To repeat, the wisdom teachings tell us to call things that are not as though they are, so that is what I do. I then visualize my dream life in my mind. I see it in my mind with such clarity I can feel, smell, and taste whatever I am visualizing at the moment. But be positive you want what you wish or pray for because it could come true.

I had our dream box (as well as my dream board) and the children and I would cut out pictures from magazines, and then stuff the pictures of our dreams into the box. Later, when we looked back, a lot of what we wished for we had received. A gratitude journal can also remind us of how blessed we are. Even when setbacks come over the years, we can recall how much has come true and understand that the challenges have been part of the journey.

All of the dreams in the world won’t come true without a plan, even if the plan is just a flash of inspiration. You must act in faith and a written plan brings our dreams forth and sets into motion their becoming a tangible creation that takes on form. The late Dr. Wayne Dyer explains this process in his book, Real Magic, where he states that we can manifest intangible ideas or energy into a tangible reality.

For me, it could even be making $100,000 a year (twice what I dreamed of three paragraphs ago) in sales and putting away 20% or $20,000 per year into a money market account or in a year, when l have my degree and enough money, I will be able to build my wellness center. I will contribute 10% of all of my profits to a charity and/or church of my own choice, and then expand it a year later by getting an SBA loan. This was the beginning of my written plan, which has changed over the years as my life flows and my priorities fluctuate.

Obviously I like to write, but my written plan is just a start. I still needed to devise a business plan and handle the other details. However, just by starting the process, I got the ball rolling. What is it that you dream about and what would you like to do a written plan on? It could be for the future when you have more time and money, but plan it now. Write it down. For more immediate goals, maybe just write down “I will have my kids finish their homework by not allowing any TV until it is finished.” You could write a contract between you and your kids with rewards and consequences. Or maybe you can write, “I will bake cookies for my boyfriend once a week (or for myself and the children).” Perhaps you want to meet someone, so write “I will meet a nice man by going to one activity a week.” List all the qualities you want him to have. Be selective. You deserve the best. He can just be a friend and nothing serious. It’s your choice.

Also, don’t forget the long-term financial goals and special dreams. Start now! So, be creative and find a writing technique that works for you without getting overwhelmed by the plan. Life is about living our passions and loving life. If all this planning gets too stressful, it just won’t flow as well...so step back and regroup. Life always has hurdles and challenges and sometime things are difficult to do. However, it is in this process where we will grow, mistakes and all.

Isn’t it Cinderella who sings, Some day my prince will come! Well, some day I’ll go on a diet, quit smoking, and spend more time with my children. Without a time frame, some day may never come. Every year, usually in January, I write (surprise, surprise) down my one-year and five-year goals. I cover as many aspects of my life as I can. I find that in some years there are areas of my life that are really simple, but others are more complex. Some of my goals may change over the year(s), or I may decide that some are just not important to me any more. As I work on a project, I revise the goals and timetable; then I review it periodically to see what has changed. Allowing a special time frame for a vision makes it subconsciously take hold and moves us forward.

As mentioned in chapter two, get a dream team together and come up with ideas to implement your individual and team goals. If many of the great scientists and thinkers of the world can brainstorm, then why can’t we? Try to have short target dates for various phases of a big dream to make it possible. A milestone chart will help you to gain motivation and momentum to take new steps when you can look at your chart and see the progress you are making.

When I went back to school during what I now call My Great Depression, it became a lifeline for me. I had a registration date, a date to start, assignment due dates, application dates for grants and loans, and later on deadlines for scholarship applications, (which I received because of following my plan). I needed this discipline to help me with my goals at that time. Later my goals would change, but in the meantime I had learned to set time limits for each step I had to take to reach a goal. If I hadn’t done this, I would have let life pass me by day by day while I forgot what it was I wanted in the first place.

A timeline or milestone technique can also help with our bad habits, including tardiness and procrastination. I still have areas I need to improve but it is amazing the progress I have made in areas where I had never dreamed of succeeding before. Now some of these patterns are just second nature to me.

Heather, a single mother of two children, stated that her life has changed so much since implementing her written plan. She can’t believe that her taxes are done, her checkbook is always balanced and her bank account is not overdrawn. Now she finds herself calling all of her problem clients before she begins her day, instead of at the end of her day, or just putting it off altogether. Heather is a program manager who says that changing her techniques and having time lines has freed up precious extra time for her to spend with her children—without the stress she had before.

It’s probably a fact that many of us have never been taught simple life skills and time management. Perhaps our parents were just too busy earning a living or wanted to make things easy for us, so we were thrown into society with only our generic knowledge. Other than learning how to sew and a few cooking classes, I don’t remember learning anything about life in school. I did, however, know who the cutest guys were. I married young at 17 and had no clue about what it took to manage anything. Some of us have an inborn knack and can look at some meat and vegetables and know what to do to make it palatable and tasty, or look at a house and know how to decorate it. Even if you do have these skills, what about budgeting, saving, and planning for the future? Eventually, by following clear and concise plans, getting good advice, reading and gleaning (and practicing), my life became manageable.

This in no way means I am not spontaneous when it comes to doing something fun or interesting. Actually, by planning and organizing my priorities, I have more time to be spontaneous. In the past, I always seemed to have a daily crisis or two, and I always reacted to the crisis in a crisis mode. Now I have a technique for a crisis when one does strike—such as my youngest daughter, Jasmine, breaking her arm and tooth or Ryan, my youngest son, not calling when he was supposed to, or Shelbi’s (my oldest daughter) teacher meeting with me about her not focusing on her grades. I handle each crisis by immediately formulating a plan when it happens. Also, time helps. Jasmine’s arm is better and her tooth is all fixed. Ryan, of course, eventually called, and Shelbi’s grades are up. Once in a while I may start to panic, then stop myself and respond accordingly.

My oldest son, Cheyne, is almost 36 now and working at an excellent job with a beautiful wife Kristen and two beautiful Children, Mila and Madden, so my times of crisis with my grown children are few and far between. His major challenge came when he turned 18 and needed $3,000 more for his dream truck. It had been his vision since 10th grade. This was a short-term goal for Cheyne. He brainstormed, believed and worked his plan and, with a lot of help and luck, he achieved his goal and got his dream truck. Cheyne now has a house in a country club and nice automobiles. I am back on track with my own responsibilities. The other children have learned to be responsible, partly from their wrong choices and the consequences of these actions. All of my children have been taught they are capable and their talents and gifts were and still are encouraged.

Your children all have special gifts and they also have the tools. I believe this is true for all children, even the physically challenged ones. You can teach them by example, by validation of their talents, and by showing them how to pursue their dreams. It’s almost a given that all families have intermittent moments of crisis. However, learning to relax, planning what to do and following through can help, even in those times where you need to react quickly. At times, things may seem overwhelming and unmanageable, but in looking back, we find we have survived. Life is not always perfect, but if we all move forward with more confidence, compassion, and understanding, then it will become more manageable.

At those times when all else fails and nothing seems to work, I would declare a “jammie day” for me and for the kids. Covid has brought us all many of these this year! They all knew what this meant. It meant no school or work, TV, movies, bum-around clothes, junk food, pizza, and sleep. This again is going with the flow, because a written plan is not created so that we can be compulsive about everything. It is more of a roadmap and, to repeat, being spontaneous can be good for you. Sometimes there are wonderful detours on the way to our destination. Jammie days can be like that. Our roadmap could even change to a point where it isn’t even recognizable, but keep on goin’ and don’t forget the rest stops along your way.

Money and finances are a whole other story, perhaps one you would even like to ignore. Despite any reluctance on your part, I recommend you still make out a budget, even if your bills are higher than your income at the present time. If what is going out is more than what is coming in, then changes in your spending must take place. Either try to increase your cash flow or give something up. Perhaps you could get a lower priced cable plan. Maybe, you don’t need the newest Iphone; instead, use a Walmart Phone. Negotiate with your creditors and go on a payment plan when you can. If nothing else, you will at least have a clear picture of where you stand financially. Read the previous article where Dawn mentored me on my finances over again. Perhaps you can call a credit counseling service (but be sure to have them checked out) that can negotiate your bills down.

My grandmother once called a credit counselor and was told that the single most important thing she could do was pay her Sears and other retail accounts before the due date so that she wouldn’t be charged any late charges. She had always paid her bills monthly, but by not mailing in her payment in plenty of time, it frequently made her later than her due date and she ended up paying an extra $10 or $20 a month in late charges. This accrued monthly and it turned out she had been paying more than $500 a year in late charges and penalties. Not only that, it can affect your credit by just being a few days late consistently.

Grandma quickly changed her protocol and ended up paying her accounts in person before the due dates. Now you can do it online on your phone. Remember, no matter how bleak things looks, they can change. Bills will be paid off. Plans will form. Income will increase, and abundance can follow. Formulating a budget and writing down a plan is what starts to make things possible. You can do it!

Loving and Emotional Practice:

Take some important categories in your life and write down one-year and five-year goals in each category. Categories could include career, a health or weight plan, sports or recreation, spiritual, home, school, etc.

Remember, the idea is not to meet 100% of every goal. The goals are to provide you with options and a roadmap to achieve the options you choose to pursue. A year from now some will probably be forgotten while others will magically be manifested or on their way.

Loving and Emotional Affirmation:

I am capable and safe. I step from moment to moment, day to day, week to week, and so on in serenity and confidence as planned.

This series is dedicated to all the beautiful and courageous women who have—in one way or another—ended up alone with a child or children.