The Shape

Growing up, my mom and I didn’t have the best relationship. However, looking back, I know in my heart, she did the best she knew how to.

I was born in a small military community in New York state. My mom had moved there to be with her mom, and to finish her senior year of high school, as prior to that, she had lived in California with some other family. After finishing school, she had gotten a starters nursing job and had later met my father. Unfortunately, they were married, had me and divorced with in just a couple of years. My father was a military man and was much older then my mom. After I was born, it was my understanding that he was very abusive and my mom left before anything bad could happen. Her family was from New Mexico originally, so she felt like it was time to go home. I was about six months old when we finally made New Mexico our home. And I’ve been here ever since.

When I was a toddler, my grandmother had moved in with us to help my mom with, well life and being a single mother to a little baby girl, that was a big handful. My mom worked a few different jobs that I remember. She was a care giver in a nursing home for a while, then went to the local community collage and gained her associates in business and accounting. She begin being a general manager of a local convenience store. One thing is for sure, she taught me, was work. You work hard for the things you need and want in life. Nothing is given to you, you have to put effort, and work in, to have results come out.

Going to school, and being a kid growing up, I had more responsibility then anything I remember. From helping take care of my grandmother and a younger sibling, to clean the house and then homework. It’s sad to admit, but she wasn’t there much. I was in girl scouts and she had been a little involved, making sure I went to meetings and got to where I needed to. Some meetings she would go to, but not a lot. The older I got, it was like the less involved she had gotten. I had been an honor student most of my elementary, and I tried playing different sports, but when it came time for assemblies, or games, I was just dropped off, or wouldn’t have my mom there cheering for me when I felt like I needed her.

I moved out of my mom's house when I was 15. She had remarried and had my sister when I was 8, so a lot of living had happened. A lot of fights and heart ache. A lot of shut doors and uneasy silences. Growing up, I never really felt like I learned who my mom was. I remember there being a lot of times when I would stay with friends or other people who were considered family. So, honestly when I came time to go home, I didn't want to. I had felt like I would find a place to be okay, and then I would have to go home. In smaller words, home was more like chaos most days. So, when I was 15, I had an opportunity to leave, and I took it.

When I left, it broke my mom's heart, but she couldn't fully understand why I had left. It was because of how I was treated with feeling like a burden to my own mom instead of feeling like I could go to her when I needed her most. I just felt abandoned. However, it took a long time for me to tell her that.

When I graduated high school, I remember wondering if she would even go. I had sent her, my step dad, and my sister an invitation, and the week before graduation, my mom called me and told me that she wouldn't miss it. That big day came and I remember walking into the gym, with my fellow classmates and she was sitting right there. When they called my name, almost at the very end, she yelled louder then anyone in that gym. I'll never forget it, because I finally felt like she was there for me. I made her proud.

I still stayed distant with her, even though there had been a couple times when she had reached out. When it came time for me to have my son, I remember her calling and checking on me every so often. And when I brought my son home, I made her wait about a week before she came. I felt a little scared to allow her to meet my son, and then when it came down to it, her just be around whenever she wanted. If she wanted to be a grandma, then that's what I needed. I made it very clear to her. She understood and wanted nothing more then just to be in our lives. Again though, I had been given so many empty promises, it took a while to make sure I could trust that.

When my son was about a year old, I had went and had lunch with my mom and finally explained to her why I had left when I was 15 and these were the reasons why I have been so hesitate on allowing my son to be close with her. She had told me that she would show me and prove that she wanted that role, as a grandmother. I told her okay. She started to babysit and go to different things that I had going on for my son. Before I knew it, she was his full time babysitter. My son and her had grown so close. She would let him have the tv to watch cartoons until time to do learning lessons. She would make up her own little learning tools and help my son learn all his colors, shapes, ABC's and 123's. She would sing the PBS kids songs on the tv with him, and get him doing cross word puzzles with her. He would even sit there and watch all of her soaps with her. He would come home telling me all about, "Days of Our Lives", and I'm like what in the world?! It made my heart happy to know that my son was able to grow such a strong bond with my mom.

My mom passed away in 2019, and it's been something that I've really had a hard time with. I miss her daily and wish I was able to just talk to her one last time. See her, one more time. As it's something that sets in, I have been able to look back and realize how much my mom was really there, even if she wasn't. She worked a lot, and so being smaller, she was just gone. Most of my school activities, were her working hours. Not all of them, but most. She always made sure that I did have a safe place to go to and a meal and warm place to sleep. She always knew where I was, even when I thought she didn't. There were fights, well, no one's perfect and I'm sure every family has a fight every so often. She wasn't perfect, wasn't there for me in a lot of different ways that mom's are, and could have just tried harder, but she did teach me a lot. She taught me to love endlessly, to give more then you receive, and how to be forgiving. She taught me hard work, will pay off, how to endure and be strong, be a survivor, a warrior. I have learned the type of mom I want to be to my son. To me, she did her best, but for being a grandmother to my son, she learned from her mistakes and was absolutely incredible.

The last day I got to see my mom, I was giving my sister a ride home and my mom calls and says that I need to make sure to get down when we got there. It won't take long, because she knew I had to work in just a couple of hours. So I get down real quick and run in the front door. She smiled at me and said, "Damn did you just wake up?!" I laughed back and said, "Yes mom I did, I don't need to impress anyone right now." She had gotten my son a little toy and wanted to make sure he had gotten it. It was a Star Wars bubble blower. I got so excited and told her, "I'll probably play with this more then he does." I was already getting closer to the door so I could leave and get ready for work and she said to me, "You really think you're going to leave without giving me a hug?!" I smiled at her and said, "No, Mom." I walked through the living room to where she was sitting. I bent over and wrapped my arms around her, as she did me, and I'll never forget that embrace. The love I felt from her. Those are moments that you cherish, forever. I will admit, I had never had a hug like that from her. And I never will again. That very next day, she had passed away suddenly.

Throughout my life time, other then my mom, I have been blessed to have 3 other major mom figures in my life, to help teach and show me things that my mom didn't. However, my mom is the start of the shape of me, and I am very proud to be the woman I am today. I've learned from the mistakes I had seen my mom make, and the many lessons that she did unknowingly teach me about the world. My mom was an amazing woman. #BossMom