The Regret of a Child

Dear Mother,

Happy Mother’s Day! I wish I could be home with you to celebrate this global holiday. I know you have done so much for me when I was a child and there are never enough words to thank you for all that you have done. Raising me by yourself was difficult, and I am more aware of this difficulty today, as an adult. You always had my best interests at heart even when I refuse to believe you did. You wanted to raise me with the same ideologies your mother had raised you, in spite of how outdated those practices were. How could you know any better? How could you keep up with a rapidly changing world? It was wrong of me to think that you could and for that, I apologize. Our constant disagreements are evidence of the complexity of parenthood. I am writing in hope that you have forgiveness in your heart to restore the relationship that has become the diminished winter snow during spring.

First of all, I regret leaving Texas for New York without informing you. I just couldn’t continue to reside in an area where every move I made was scrutinized by my family, peers, and neighbors. High school was the most brutal period for me. In an attempt to find myself, you wanted me to become a standard puzzle piece and fit perfectly in the world you remembered. I only rejected the prissy little princess you envisioned because during my elementary school days your were more supportive of me being a strong girl. It was a time you appeared to accept the tom-boy in me. You took pride when I was able to champion any boy my age in physical competition. However, once the elementary chapter of my life came to its close, our fights began. It became endless cycle of what I needed to wear, or how I needed to present myself. I guess that is why I shredded every dress you purchased; tossed any cosmetics you wanted to disguise me in. I wanted to send you the message that I was not going to become the person you wanted to shape me into. In reflection, I was like any other teenager, desperate for their own self-identity and expression, while feeling the authoritative eyes of oppression.

I have always admired you as a strong independent woman. Your determination to tackle any task without relying on a man is seared in my memory like a badge of honor. Every accomplishment you met made me proud you were my mother. You were the embodiment of feminism. I was positive you would have accepted my true love when I finally introduce you two. I had found the one person I felt would complete me and after you met her, you shared your disappointment in me.

“Deborah, you can’t be in love with a woman. You need to find a man so you can have a family of your own. How do you expect to have children with another woman? It doesn’t work like that.” The words remain a weighted sting in my heart. My mom, the woman I thought would be understanding of my love for another woman, telling me I needed a man to complete me. The thought is like a twisted oxymoron of reality. I was not willing to let you dictate who I can and cannot love; I secretly packed up and left for New York with Victoria.

Since relocating to New York, my life with Victoria has been beautifully transformed. Of course, I graduated from college. Years of you barking at me to complete a baccalaureate degree had its merit. I enrolled in the University of New York and completed my degree in four years. During which time, Victoria and I married. Prior to graduation, I became part of a welcoming community, which you may not find accepting. Needless to say, my love for Victoria is what guided both of us to an LGBTQ+ community and since then I have never felt more accepted. Through the community I have found self love, self respect, and learned more about my authentic self. You would be proud of the confident person I have become while living in New York.

I kept my personal thoughts about being a girl from you. I know you thought I was just a tom-boy, a perfectly fitted label in elementary school. You were content with me becoming tougher than the boys in the neighborhood. However, my initiation into womanhood is when I discovered gender dysphoria. The changes to my body felt more like a curse with each passing day. Menstruation, cramps, and even developing breasts became manacles to an identity anchored to depression. Lastly, the social negativity towards me and my masculine characteristics were the wrecking ball of my mental health. I wanted to tell you, but you wore womanhood like a mantle of strength against a world still predominately designed for men. The thought of your own daughter, who you bore life to, standing against those beliefs might have been devastating to you. To protect you, I kept this secret from you. Eventually, your insistence of me becoming a woman was the destructive force leading to my departure from Texas.

After becoming part of a loving community in New York, I started and completed my transition from female to male. I will understand if you refuse to see me as your son, but it is who I am. It is who I have always been. Since elementary school, my self-awareness of being a man gradually blossomed inside me as I aged. I wanted you to take this journey with me, but I respect your perspective. For years I have carried the weight of believing I have failed you as a woman, but the truth is, I have only succeeded as your son. I am the confident, proud person you wanted me to become, Additionally, living as my true self has made me stronger and happier. Funny how through our strenuous arguments, I was able to uncover my true identity.

While I do apologize for all our struggles, trials, and tribulations, I want to invite you back into my life. I want you to become a part of who I really am. After all, I am still your child and you will always be my mother, whether you wish to be in my life or not.

So, Happy Mother’s Day.

Loving you always,

Dibiano (Previously known as Deborah)

Epilogue

Dear Dibiano,

God has blessed me with your sincere letter. It was very heartwarming to hear from you after nearly a decade of silence. I am relieved to learn that you have been healthy and safe since your abrupt departure from Texas. I wish you had reached out to me earlier, but I believe I can understand your rationale.

You are correct in assuming that I would not accept you as a man. You were born my daughter and there is nothing that can change that. I spent many years raising a girl to evolve into a strong woman. I wanted you to find a man because it is the will of God for a woman to need a man. First Corinthians chapter eleven, verses eleven and twelve states:

“Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord. For as the woman is of the man, even so is the man also by the woman; but all things of God.”

It has always been God’s plan for you to be with a man, not become one. That is the belief I stood by in raising you. Traditionally speaking, man meets woman; man marries woman and together they bring forth a new life, per the will of God. How do you expect me to stray from a belief I have been living by since my childhood? However, you are right in stating the changing of times and this ideology has become an outdated one, and for that I must also be willing to change.

My methods of child rearing were based on a religious belief that had been instilled in me. I took those belief and tried to force them on you without consider who you were as a person. I believe God has better plans for you and I. God’s blessing of you to me opened my eyes to the strength of love between a parent and their child. Just has He has given his only son to die for our sins, His gift of you is to embrace the meaning of unconditional love.

Currently, I believe God has altered His plans for humanity, to test just how compassionate we really are. Perhaps He is testing us to determine if we truly live by his word, or use his word to judge others. Two verses to come to mind are Matthew chapter seven verses one and two:

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.”

It seems there are an overwhelming amount of people judging others and straying from the message of His word. Within my own latent hatred, I strayed from this belief. Through your absence I sought clarity from God and for many sleepless nights I asked Him for His guidance in reconnecting with you. When you letter arrived, I knew He provided me with an answer.

My dearest son, it is not you who should be seeking forgiveness, but me. In my attempt to mold you into a person, I judged you for who I wanted you to be. I became the many who constantly judge others against the will of God. I willingly blinded myself to who I knew you were in an attempt to force you down a path you rejected. I regret not fighting for you. It was against God’s will to leave you when you needed me most. To discourage you from living your truth, has left me drowning in shame.

I would be honored to have you back in my life as the son you have always been. I look forward to rebuilding our relationship and learning more about the authentic you. I love you, Dibiano. I always have and I always will.

With much love,

Mom.