The Purpose

Complete dread and devastation is the only way to capture the way I felt the day I had to leave my children in Rhode Island. It was totally out of anything completely normal or rational. I didn't even care at that point of time how other people would see me because I knew how hard I tried and the lengths I took to take care of my children with all my power. If others thought I was a "dead-beat" mom then so be it because I knew as well as God or the universe - the totality of the way things played out were only meant to happen so I could get to the point I am at now. The reality of the situation is I left my children's father two years prior to almost becoming homeless, and having no other choice but to rely on the support of my family miles away (primarily my father). I had no choice but to move back to Missouri where I was born and raised but I was inevitably without my children. I could not physically move my children out of the state of Rhode Island without the permission of a judge or - my children's father. The only way to explain how I felt is that it was some kind of gut wrenching obstacle I just could not defeat without a miracle. The even better realization was none of that mattered.

When I found the box, it's not that I wasn't shocked but rather it was that something inside of me knew clearly that everything was working out for me, almost in some divine manner. It was either that or rather everything was synchronistic ally playing out the exact way it was supposed to. I had wanted a lawyer for months to move my children back with me where I was and fight their father on custody. I heard that at the end of it all if I hired a lawyer, he jumped ship and did the same, that we would be looking at a custody battle for years where both of us would not win. Rather, we would spend a ridiculously amount of money and time in the court system then what we were spending on our own actual children. When I moved to Missouri I worked myself to the point of exhaustion as a server at Bodula to try and hire a lawyer. I was without my children and completely depressed and faced my unfortunate feelings of hurt and pain on the daily while trying to work hard to fight him. I somehow never was able to save up the money to fight him and have a lawyer represent me to be able to relocate my children to Missouri. It all was making sense...and didn't at the same time. It just was never to happen or unravel that way. The box showed up a few months after that realization as well as the point I stopped fighting and realizing everything happens the way it does - for the better.

The day I found the box I counted exactly 20,000 dollars...and then there was the book that was also in the box. The little black book. I was shocked but not.

The little black book was from my father.

I opened up the first page and there he relayed probably the most powerful message ever.

"Time is forever lost once it is gone. I love you and I love my grandchildren. I hate to see my daughter go through what she is going through. I need you to learn that putting up a fight or going against the way God works will only make things more difficult. You are much more powerful than you know. Yes I have given you this money, but I want you to do what will help your children first and foremost. I want for you to find a way to make a better life for them and you."