The positive affirmation given by parents to their children is to plant the seeds of love, self-confidence and hope in their hearts.

Recently, when I was chatting with my friends, I talked about such a thing.

Before my son was ten years old, I heard a lot of people say to me:

"I really envy you. There are old people to help you take care of your children!"

Yes, for the "double-working" families who work hard in the workplace, it is really a happy thing that the elderly can help pick up and take care of their children's studies.

However, at that time, I did not realize that the laziness I had stolen needed to be repaid by the child and me.

My parents-in-law are both retired junior high school teachers, and my husband and I are very relieved when we hand our son over to them.

After primary school, our son's excellent grades also gave us a "reassurance":

Due to the early enlightenment, coupled with the strict discipline of grandparents, the son's subjects are at the top of the class.

In the third grade, my son's academic performance began to decline slowly, from the beginning of the stable top three, gradually dropped to a dozen, and then to more than 20.

What annoys me most is his state of study, which is extremely careless.

He refused to start his homework and became more and more perfunctory.

He often sat at his desk in a daze, and every time I asked him why he didn't write quickly, he would write a few strokes slowly.

Before I thought about it, I decided it was too difficult for me.

Some common difficult topics have just been explained, but they don't know how to turn around, and they don't go into their heads at all.

The appearance of procrastinating as long as I can and not thinking if I can be in a daze really made my blood pressure soar.

The state not only at home, but also at school is worrying.

The teacher told me that my son's learning energy was much worse than when he was in the first grade. He didn't listen attentively. He didn't seem to be interested in learning at all, and his academic performance was at the bottom of the class.

I was so angry that I settled with his old accounts and new ones:

Failed the exam in the third grade. What do you think?

If it goes on like this, you won't even get into junior high school!

I don't care if my grades are so bad. If I were you, I couldn't sleep at night!

Who do you show it to when you beat and scold every day?

Is learning for your father and me?

My son glared at me with tears in his eyes as if he were looking at an enemy:

"anyway, you never thought I could do it!

Say I'm not smart, say I'm slow, in the eyes of my grandparents, I can't do anything well, you're just like them! "

Looking at my son's collapse, I was shocked. I didn't expect that my son, who had been scolded and scolded by us for more than half a year, had such a low opinion of himself!

After I calmed down, I had a patient communication with my son.

My son told me that he was a stupid child, not as talented as anyone in the class, nor as smart as anyone in the class: "I just can't learn a lot of things, and my IQ is not high enough."

I wondered why he thought of himself that way.

"my grandparents often say that about me." The son bowed his head and was depressed.

It was only after a detailed understanding that I realized that it was the educational philosophy and speaking habits of my parents-in-law that caused a psychological shadow on him.

My parents-in-law pursued the traditional "blow" education, and they always spoke hard words to their son, constantly belittling and suppressing him:

The son made a mistake. "look at you and look at someone else."

The son didn't understand, "Oh, this kid is stupid, he's a far cry from your father when he was a kid!"

The son got a full mark, "there's nothing to be proud of, don't raise your tail!" If you look at the number of 100 in your class, it shows that the full mark is worthless now. "

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Finally, the son defined himself:

Actually, you're right. I just do what I can't do.

The child is in such a mess that the mother will never be happy.

But I also understand that children's problems are not caused by one or two days, some long-term accumulation is not easy to solve, it is better to solve them as soon as possible with the help of external forces.

In order to find a good way, I began to learn by myself, hoping to help children get out of this state of "low self-evaluation" through their own education and guidance.

In the course of study, I learned a valuable truth:

A parent who is stingy in praising his child is bound to make his child impossible for them to praise.

What adults say to their children, whether they praise or criticize, will form a "set pattern" in the child's psychology and be fed back from his subsequent actions.

When a child grows up, there will always be many moments of making mistakes, disobedient behavior, often humiliated and suppressed children, he is grumpy, self-exiled, negative and pessimistic about things.

Including parents, out of fear of their children's pride and hope for their children to be better, using "percussive education" to encourage their children will destroy their children's self-esteem and play the opposite role.

The philosopher James said:

"the essence of human nature is the desire to appreciate, especially for children. Appreciation can make children grow into towering trees, and belittling can make children wither and deform."

Therefore, parents' criticism or praise will affect their children's mood and behavior to a great extent.

If parents always like to belittle and negate their children, it will cause their children to have low self-esteem and inferiority, think that they are just not good, bad, and lose the motivation to try to get better.

And the most important thing for children to learn is internal drive.

A child who has lost his motivation is numb to his parents' education and criticism, saying that he will not feel ashamed of anything, so his study will naturally become worse and worse.

I am very distressed to realize that the wrong way of education has done so much harm to my son.

The teacher suggested that I might as well "deceive" the child:

Parents' expectation, trust and love can contribute to the growth and change of their children, and even become the key to their success.

A child who continues to get positive expectations, his growth will never end.

The virtuous circle of education suggested by my teacher is actually the application of the "Rosenthal effect".

This effect is actually a resonance phenomenon in the expectation psychology.

To put it simply, if we affirm a person in a certain aspect, that person will work in this direction and achieve the desired results.

If parents can apply the "Rosenthal effect" to their children's education, such as boasting about their children, their children will develop in the direction you praise.

Under the guidance of my teacher, I started the journey of "deceiving my son".

Praise the child's progress and efforts

Praising a child's efforts can better stimulate a child's drive to learn than praising his intelligence.

Praising cleverness will make children feel that the achievement of doing a thing well and learning a subject well is because of their own talent and is not under their own control.

If you change to a field where you don't have talent, or if it becomes more difficult, it will make your child worry that he or she will fail because of lack of talent, so he will choose to give up.

Children who are praised for their efforts will think that as long as they work hard enough, they will continue to make progress and achieve results, so they are more willing to accept the challenge.

There is substance in praise and attention to detail.

The more specific the praise and the more attention to deta