The One Lesson My Mother Has Taught Me

My relationship with my mother has never been rainbows and bunnies. She never had a good relationship with her family and had a child-me-as a way to fill some void. She felt that she would get the love from me that she never got from her family.

The problem was love to her meant something completely different. It meant complete loyalty and having a mother who became obsessed with everything I did. It meant having a mother who was overbearing and controlling. It meant having a mother who completely stripped me of my identity.

In her mind, I was here to serve her and make her happy. Anything I wanted or dreamt of didn't exist. I had to speak the way she wanted me to speak, dress exactly as she wanted me to dress, and join programs that aligned with her visions for my life.

I was born solely to right all her wrongs. I was her second chance and her gateway to a life she never had. My life was already mapped out. I used to try to fight back in the hopes that she would back off, but it only enraged her more.

THE GRASS IS NOT ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE

My mother is the perfect definition of a narcissist. Gaslighting was her middle name and if she saw that she wasn't getting her way, she would guilt trip me to the moon and back. Now if you were looking from the outside, you would never imagine that all this trauma took place. We lived in a nice big house. I went to the top private school in my area and I was involved in many activities at school. This was all a cover-up.

Having a narcissistic mother meant that she could paint the prettiest of pictures. She was great at acting and making others think she was the best mother there was. It was an oscar-worthy performance because if I ever complained I would just look like a bratty, spoiled kid. What no one saw was that I was suffocating. I felt like her hands were constantly around my neck, choking me until I was unconscious, but then bringing me back right before I saw the light.

This went on well into adulthood. The damage was so bad that I didn't even know that this was happening until I started getting therapy. I realized how traumatized I had been and how it dramatically affected my life. I had to work to rewire my brain and to change the way I thought about myself. I had to do some deep inner reflection to undo all the trauma I had experienced.

I DON'T BLAME HER...ANYMORE

A narcissist more often than not experienced so much trauma, that they develop this type of disorder. It explained my mother's actions towards me. It helped me to discover that this was a thing. Before therapy, I never knew there was a name for this type of person and I always used to think I was just a bad child. I always thought that she hated me and regretted that I was born.

I am now realizing that it had nothing to do with me. It was her way of coping with her trauma. Unfortunately, I was her punching bag and a lot of her negative energy was targeted at me, but it's not because I was a mistake. I was brought here for a reason like everyone else and I have my own destiny. She was just the vessel I came through. It took me forgiving her and coming from a place of understanding to realize this. It was a long process, but it's great to know that she no longer has a hold on me.

THE BIGGEST LESSON MY MOTHER HAS TAUGHT ME

My mother has taught me a few things, but the most important lesson is to not have children until you have healed your past wounds. When you have experienced great trauma in your life and decide to have children, despite that, you will put all of that on your child without even realizing it. When we have bad relationships with our parents, we try so hard not to be like them, but it's scary how much we end up acting like them because we haven't healed.

This fight is bigger than us and sometimes it's a generational curse. For example, there are stories of grandfathers being alcoholics, then the father, then the child. It's not like they planned for this to happen, but subconsciously it did.

I don't know if I want children one day, but if I do I will make sure that I am healed. I will make sure that I have an open dialogue with my children and that they will feel comfortable enough to come and talk to me about anything. I will make sure that I don't project my dreams and wishes onto them. God brought them here for a reason and my job as a parent would be to help them be the best version of themselves, not the version I want them to be.

A wounded person cannot raise a child. When they do, they are doing a disservice to that child.