The Little Black Book

I know you won’t remember me when you read this but know that I have been with you for your whole life. I wish every day that you would remember me but I suppose it’s okay since I don’t remember you either. In fact, I would not believe that you are real if Dr. Athan did not provide me with undeniable proof of your existence.

He tells me I shouldn’t worry about convincing you of my existence for you will not believe me. So, I won’t. But I do need to tell you a very important thing because one day, it may be of value for you. For us. It is this - N3v3rf0rg3t#HowmuchIloveyou. If a man called Mr. Boone should ever come to visit you, you should tell him this. But only him.

Lily was startled. Who had written this strange entry in her diary? How did that person even get into her secret diary? It was kept in a locked box and the key was tied around her neck at all times. As if reading her mind, the next paragraph proceeded to address her alarm.

I know you are confused. Don’t waste your time worrying about who I am or how I found your little black book. I promise you that I’m no stranger and you’re not crazy. All you need to know is that I am on your side and that following my instructions will bring you wealth.

Lily flipped back at the pages of her beautiful Moleskin diary which had been her only solace in this lonely place. Every other page was filled with her neat handwriting and the innocent musings of a young girl. It was just as she had left it - except for this one page. She decided that she would have to ask Dr. Athan about it during their next appointment in two days.

____________________________________________________

Two days ago...

“I’m sorry, Della. I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to tell Lily the truth. She is far too delicate for that,” Dr. Athan explained patiently.

“But she HAS to know or we could lose everything! It’s our only chance at a normal life! We have no time to lose. As you know, it’s happening soon!” Della protested. “How long does Lily usually stay?”

“You know it’s impossible to tell. Sometimes, it’s for a few hours. Other times, it’s been as long as a few months.”

“What if Mr. Boone comes while Lily is here? What then?” Della cried out.

“I suppose your future and accessing that account will depend on you being here at the same time as Mr. Boone,” Dr. Athan responded evenly.

“But that could be years! Mr. Boone is based in Switzerland and as you mentioned, I’m not allowed to contact him. Is that correct?” Della raised her voice in exasperation.

“Yes. As a formal patient of this facility, you have a limited number of people that you can contact. It would take years to clear Mr. Boone and we cannot release you from this facility until you have access to the account. It’s quite an unfortunate Catch-22,” Dr. Athan looked at her sympathetically.

“I just don’t understand. If you can tell me the truth, why can’t you tell her?” Della protested.

“You’ve always been the stronger one. Remember, I didn’t choose to tell you. You were asking questions,” Dr. Boone explained.

“OK, fine,” Della finally said.

But of course, it was not fine and Della wasn’t the type to give up. She began scheming as soon as Dr. Athan left the room. The truth is, she had not stopped scheming since Dr. Athan had told her about Mr. Boone’s letter months ago. She had been completely surprised by this mysterious windfall but now she could see that it was her way out. Her mother’s strange dying message finally made sense.

But no matter what she did, she couldn’t think of a way to communicate with Lily without Dr. Athan. She combed her mind for what she knew about Lily. It was very little. Dr. Athan was very careful about what he told her. Suddenly, it hit her.

“The Moleskin diary!” she said out loud excitedly.

The question was - how much would she say? She didn’t want to destabilize Lily’s already delicate mind and the truth was...well, it was a lot to handle. She decided to share as little as possible with Lily. Just enough to get the job done. She smiled smugly to herself and began executing her plan.

____________________________________________________

Lily never did get a chance to ask Dr. Athan about it. The very next day, another strange entry appeared unexpectedly in her diary again.

“DO NOT TELL DR. ATHAN ABOUT THIS!!!!!! Just do as I say and everything will be fine!

It was the same handwriting as yesterday. Lily was even more confused but decided that six exclamation marks were enough to scare her. She had always been somewhen of a sensitive child and she always followed orders.

To soothe herself, she did what she always did and pulled out one of her mother’s diaries. These books were the only possession Lily had of her and it was what had started her love affair with the exquisite Moleskin notebooks. She randomly picked a page and read the entry.

“My darling daughter made up her own story for the first time today about her imaginary friend, Della. I was so excited that I immediately went out and bought her a Moleskin notebook so she can start writing her stories down. She must have inherited my storytelling genes after all. I hope she never forgets how much I love her.”

Lily gasped. Those were the words in the erratic entry. N3v3rf0rg3t#HowmuchIloveyou. Never forget how much I love you.

Her mother was long gone - she knew that much at least. But these words, there was a connection. An important one. She just didn’t know what it was yet. She tried to remember her mother again but the same thing happened as it did every other time. Her entire childhood was crystal clear up until that day. What happened that day? She couldn’t remember but she knew that her mother was gone forever after that.

Dr. Athan had told her that it was normal for children who had witnessed a traumatic event such as losing a parent to not remember what happened. Suppressing the memory was her mind’s way of protecting her from a terrible event and she was thankful for that.

The newspapers had filled in the blanks for her. Her mother was a Pulitzer Prize-winning writer who had made a fortune on her books. However, she had a volatile relationship with Lily’s stepfather and they had gone through a bitter divorce. Lily knew that the only thing that her mother had asked for in the divorce was full custody and a trust fund for her. She didn’t care about the rest of her wealth. She only wanted freedom. But Lily’s stepfather was angry and greedy and had managed to convince the courts that her mother was mentally unstable.

The courts eventually awarded her mother’s entire estate to her stepfather and also gave him full custody of Lily. The news had been so devastating to Lily’s mother that she had suffered an overdose of painkillers that she never recovered from. Apparently, Lily had witnessed the whole thing and tried unsuccessfully to revive her. Following her mother’s death, her stepfather had admitted Lily into a mental institution and she had never heard from him again. Lily had been 12 years old at the time.

“Come on! Think, Lily! This is important!” She admonished herself.

Her stepfather’s last name had been Cohn. She remembered that much. So, who was Mr. Boone? She racked her brain for an answer but came up blank.

Her deep thoughts were interrupted by a gentle knock. Dr. Athan emerged from the door.

“Happy birthday, Lily. I have a visitor for you,” Dr. Athan said as he motioned towards the man standing next to him. “This is Mr. Boone.”

Lily’s hand flew to her mouth to cover a gasp. If they noticed, neither man mentioned it.

“Hi, Lily. I’m a friend of your mother. Her lawyer, in fact. She left a gift for you to be given to you on your 18th birthday,” Mr. Boone said as he extended his hand.

“I don’t understand. A gift? Why didn’t she give it to me when she was alive? Why wasn’t I told about it when she died?” Lily asked in confusion.

“She wanted to make sure that your stepfather would never find out about it or be able to take it away from you. Now that you are legally an adult, it will belong entirely to you,” Mr. Boone explained.

“What is it?” Lily asked excitedly.

“It’s a bitcoin. Do you know what it is?”

Lily nodded.

“In her will, your mother specified that you must willingly give up the password for the Bitcoin wallet. Would you like to do that?” Mr. Boone asked gently.

Lily nodded again. Mr. Boone pushed a pen and paper towards Lily and she carefully wrote it down.

“Thank you, Lily. I’ll process the paperwork,” Mr. Boone said cordially.

Then, he and Dr. Athan were gone. Suddenly, Lily felt so very tired. She went to bed and slept. She never woke up again.

____________________________________________________

Della blinked her eyes open. She had woken up in this very room a million times, but today - it was different. She could feel it. Lily was gone. For good this time and Della couldn’t be happier.

She finally understood why Lily had stayed for so long. She had stayed to make sure that Della would be okay by herself. Now that she had access to the account, Della knew that Lily could finally leave. After Mr. Boone had processed the paperwork and paid any outstanding fees at the facility - exactly $20,000 had been deposited into the account of Lily Della Quinn. The money had also been enough for Dr. Athan to make a case that Della could function in society by herself and formally discharge her.

Enough. What a nice word. She had enough to start a new life. She was enough by herself. Everything was just enough.

The last thing Della packed that day was Lily’s diary. It felt strange to say that but it was true. It was never her diary. It was always Lily’s. She never wrote in it except for the two entries. She needed Lily to be..well, Lily. The little black Moleskin book was her connection to her creative, childlike, and innocent self.

It was also the diary that had changed her life. If it weren’t for that little black book, she would never have been able to tell Lily the password her mother had handed to her right before she died. She would never have been able to escape. She knew she had received the password because she was the strong one while Lily had been the innocent one.

“Thank you, Lily - for protecting me and keeping the beautiful parts of me alive. I think I’m ready to do this by myself now,” she said out loud to herself.

Then she walked out the door.

She wandered the streets for a while. Eventually, she decided that having a cup of coffee while reading the newspaper was a perfectly acceptable activity for a free person. So, that’s what she did. What she didn’t expect was the article she found on page 3.

“Daughter of Pulitzer prize-winning writer Katherine Quinn who was institutionalized for having split personalities 9 years ago to be released today.”

Della couldn’t help but smile. She finally had the freedom her mother wanted for her. More importantly, she was finally free of the prison she had created in her mind and it was all thanks to a little black book.