The greatest tragedy of a family: not trapped in poverty, but died of communication

A few days ago, Weibo saw a post, the heart was not calm for a long time.

It started when a netizen posted a chat he had with his parents.

Across the screen, can feel the netizens piled up in the heart of grievances and despair.

A few short lines of dialogue, no understanding, no relief.

Only a different Angle of blame.

It's suffocating.

"In fact, every time I send a wechat message, I can guess what they will reply.

But every time, there's still a little bit of foolish expectation."

This post, also let a lot of netizens empathize, have to tell their own heart knot.

We often hear the complaint:

"Why don't you say anything to me now? Every time you ask a question."

Obviously when I was a child, I did not say anything to my parents. What began to drift away from them?

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What is it about growing up that makes children reluctant to communicate with their parents?

One netizen told her story.

When I was a child, my mother was afraid that she would catch a cold. She always liked to use very hot water.

She protested more than once, but her mother always said, "It's not hot, it gets cold when you wash it," and forced her into the basin.

Too many times, she decided that it was useless to say, only to choose to submit to the scalding water has been languishing.

Then one time, the water temperature really exceeded her tolerance.

Years of bath suffering, every time my mother indifferent.

At that moment she broke down and burst into tears.

Her mother responded coldly, "There's nothing to cry about! Just a little cold water."

When netizens have their own children, they will know after reading parenting books:

From infancy to childhood, skin thickens gradually.

But in this process, children's skin is always thinner than adults, so they are more "afraid of hot" than adults.

"I can understand that my mother is trying to be nice to me because she wants me to catch cold.

But as a child, I was disappointed and sad."

Even now, she still can't forgive her parents' self-perceived care and love, brought her the shadow and pain.

In fact, many parents around the same.

They always hold the feudal paternalism that set, in order to teach the children from a condescending attitude.

When the children get a little achievement, even if the parents are proud of the children in the heart, but also lightly mention a "do not be proud";

When the child is wronged and wants to seek comfort, what he gets is the reprimand of "looking for reasons from oneself".

Opening is the truth, speak is philosophy, but never pay attention to the child's inner emotions.

Can you say they don't love their children?

No, many of them, even at the cost of sacrifice and dedication, will give their children the ultimate love.

But this love is armed with authority.

The appearance of meticulous care for children, in fact, but only care about the children do whether their standards.

Don't allow children to disobey, don't allow children to disrespect themselves.

Even when the child questions, resistance, will increase the blame and control of the child, in order to maintain their central position in the parent-child relationship.

Say it is love, but in the child's heart, it is grim.

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On the talk show "I don't know, I want to Hear", there is a mother and son.

The son is a fashion publicist who, in order to secure a contract, would binge drink with clients until he ended up in hospital.

But even so, he didn't want to tell his mother.

I wouldn't even admit it was my home.

My mother was very sad and very confused.

Later the son confessed that in his memory, his door is not locked, diary is mother can read casually.

Even when he learned to skate and fell down 13 times, his mother never helped him once.

Because his mother thought that he should have a sense of stumbling and frustration when he was young, so that he could grow up.

In the end, it turned out that the son did learn to be strong and solve problems on his own, but he never asked his mother for help again.

Many parents always put themselves in the position of experience, in the name of "good for the child" banner, the direction of the child.

But children are people, not things. They have their own emotions.

When they need their parents' understanding and support the most, they get their parents' indifference, rejection and neglect again and again.

Then disappointment will take root in their young hearts.

Before the company has a colleague, since the beginning of the acquaintance time did not see her and how to contact home.

Occasionally received a phone call from parents, but also a few words on the past.

I used to think she was cold and thin.

It wasn't until a conversation with her that I found the answer.

When she was a child, the family conditions are not very good, and there is no pocket money, save for a long time to buy a favorite notebook, very happy to show it to her mother.

Mom's first words: Where did you get the money?

Mother's second sentence: you have no place to spend money?

When she grew up, she thought she had a job to make money, and finally qualified to act like a spoiled woman with her mother. The result:

She said work tired, mother said, then you pay high.

She said to be targeted by the leader, mother said, if you are right, people can criticize you?

She said childhood trauma, mom said, "Are you short of food and clothing?" There's no school for you? Is it a sin to raise you?

"So now I don't feel like family to them at all. I have nothing to talk about and I don't want to hear anything from my family."

In psychology, this psychological defense mechanism is called "disappointment emotional isolation".

After the accumulation of disappointments, they no longer regard their parents as their emotional support. They are reluctant to have an emotional connection with their parents and are afraid of being hurt again.

Even if parents want to show their concern later, but for them, the belated concern, just like the summer cotton-padded jacket, the winter mat, the funeral praise.

Once the most wanted intimacy, now the arrival of no meaning.

Even some children desperately want to get rid of the trauma brought by their parents, parents think, why their children do not understand gratitude?

How sad.

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But today, I don't want to simply blame parents.

It's unfair for parents to be the only ones to blame.

Wu Xiaole, a family educator, once told the story of his student Ji Xiaodi.

Growing up, Ji Xiaodi, the younger brother in a second-child family, was often compared by his parents to his sister, who excelled academically.

In order to spur him to study, Ji's mother required every home-taught class to take a test, but also had to give Ji Xiaobo double homework.

However, in the process of coaching, Wu Xiaole found that Ji Xiaobo was talented in basketball despite his weak knowledge base.

But Ji's mother did not care, not only do not let Ji Xiaodi continue to practice, but more hard to supervise his study.

As a result, this way not only has no effect, but arouses Ji Xiaobi's rebellious psychology, perfunctory study, performance also plummeted.

Seeing this scene, Wu Xiaole wanted to persuade Ji Xiaodi's mother to face up to the differences between the two children and not to push the child too hard.

But Mama Ji asked back:

"As parents, we are constantly on our toes. Yesterday we apologized for our child's rude behavior, today we are likely to receive praise for our child's accomplishments.

Parents' success or failure is always tied to their children...... If children are allowed to follow their own interests, who is really going to take on the responsibility when they cannot find a formal job in the future?

Sir, could that be you? Really?"

Wu Xiaole immediately froze, he then realized:

Many parents, it turns out, are struggling with pain, confusion and even fear.

In recent years, with the popularization of psychology, there has been a lot of discussion about the family of origin.

Many people attribute all their setbacks and misfortunes to the trauma of growing up.

Keep finding examples of "parents who have ruined you" and ranting that "parents are evil" to reduce your stress and shame.

But the unbridgeable gap of years makes the two generations destined to grow up in different experiences and ways of thinking.

My parents grew up in an age of material scarcity, when survival was more important than health, not to mention the so-called vision, knowledge, parenting concepts...

Their life experience is limited to this, so when they are under the double stress of parenting and family life, they also get anxious:

If their children are not good enough, how will the outside world question their parents' upbringing?

Under such pressure, many parents prefer to simply control their children rather than be labeled as "delaying the children."

On top of that, the parents themselves have a lot of unresolved wounds, pent-up desires, persistent poverty, insecurity, not being loved properly...

Whether consciously or unconsciously, all these factors add up to show the rejection and indifference to the child.

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Often see a word: "Parents are waiting for their children a thank you, but the children are waiting for their parents a sorry."

But in objective reality, this is the proposition that Tao has no solution.

Each generation has its way of education, and each generation has its way of undertaking destiny.

And by the time we can see that, parents may be getting old, too.

How can we blame them for being able to love us when they have never been loved?

In this world, love and friendship can be chosen, but only the family is unable to choose.

And when we realize that, a lot of these dilemmas are solved.

Psychologist Hu Shenzhi proposed in "Out of the Family of Origin" that there are three steps to solve the dilemma of the family of origin:

Acceptance, repair and block.

1. Accept the existence of trauma

In almost all family rearing models, there is no avoiding the wrong way of education, no one's childhood is perfect.

Blind escape and suppression of their own pain, or hope that parents change to heal the trauma of childhood, will only put themselves in the vortex of pain.

The family of origin is not an excuse for us to evade and shirk responsibility.

Only when we accept that the trauma exists can we proceed to the next step of repair and adjustment.

2. Make a connection with your past self

Healing is not about revisiting the past with your parents and telling them how sad and hurt you were. It's about building a connection with who you were.

Use your present self to protect yourself at that time. Use your present perspective to tell her:

"Don't be afraid. It's not your fault. It's the adults'. Now that you have the power to protect yourself, it's your feelings and emotions that matter."

3. Block trauma and select supportive resources

Does the family of origin affect our lives?

Yes, it will affect our posture, but it's not a lifelong destiny.

You can force yourself to make a new choice and change by blocking if you want to.

The way to block this is to find supportive resources, either positive people or professionals.

"The relationship we have with our parents is a fate we cannot escape, a mark of strong character. It deeply influences our attitudes toward love, relationships, work and career. It can be a lifelong shackle or a lifelong cure."

Whether our parents change, whether our parents apologize to us, even if we cannot reconcile with our parents for the rest of our lives, in fact, it does not prevent us from finding our own happiness.

Because the way out for the family of origin is not to wait for the awakening of the parents.

It's whether we grow enough.

When you have the ability and conscious control over yourself and your environment, you learn and grow in the process.

And then pass it on to the next generation in a more positive manner, creating a virtuous circle.

This is the greatest significance of our reflection on family education.

You are welcome to leave a comment about your past problems, your education and what you would like to say to your parents.