The First 5 years are the Most Important for the Father-Son Relationship. I found out about it Myself

Many volumes have been written about the absence of a father in a child's life. About his absence in raising his son. True, this absence has fatal consequences, as both sides find out many years later. When the father withdraws from upbringing, and over time he also "weans" from the role of a parent, in the first years after birth, care is necessarily taken over by the mother. She is the one who teaches the boy the things that a father should do. On the other hand, the son, who could not count on a close relationship with his father, gets used to the fact that it will look like this in life - the father was not there, so he will not be.

This is very bad, especially that in the traditional model of upbringing, well known in Poland, there is a lingering view that in the early period of a boy's life, the mother should take care of him - she feeds, cares for, cares for and provides entertainment. My father works, so he's mostly away.

If it does appear, it usually assumes the role of the one who goes out for a walk with the child. And that's actually it, if he fulfilled this "duty", he can return to his affairs. After all, it is known that fathers have "their own affairs", and it is the mothers who are responsible for taking care of the child ... Surprised? After all, it is still a reality in many homes.

Important and (most) important things

It's just that the most important "issue" of a father is precisely being a parent and raising his son. This cannot be put off for later, because there will simply be no "later". The role of the father begins immediately after birth.

Meanwhile, many new fathers remember their own fathers, busy, absent, and at best - dry. It is enough to read the memories of actors or writers from their childhood to notice how much they missed their father. Even when he was at home, he acted as if he wasn't there. Only the mother was present.

It should not be like that. The father has an important role to play in the family, also in the early stages of his son's life. She won't breastfeed him, that's a fact, but there are plenty of roles she'll do just as well as a mom.

A father will never have the same carnal relationship with a son that a mother has. However, it can somehow compensate for it. He can - and even should - teach his son how to touch, smell and, above all, how to express love. We men have a huge deficit of physical contact. We do not know how to express our own feelings by touch, especially towards children. A father who doesn't learn that hugging his son is natural and necessary won't be able to when he grows up. What does it mean? Between them there will be an impenetrable barrier, a wall that cannot be broken down. Meanwhile, its disassembly should take place when the boy is still a toddler.

Psychologists emphasize that it is the father - at a very early stage of the child's development - who creates the model of masculinity that the son will replicate in his adult life. Just like a mother, she creates a model of femininity. Without this, when children grow up, it is difficult to build proper relationships, and then - to assume the role of father or mother.

From the very beginning

Thanks to the presence of the father, the child sees from the very beginning that the mother is not the only being in his life. There is someone else, seemingly unnecessary, because the mother takes care of the food. However, the father has a different role to play, for example through his tender attitude towards his wives or partner, he teaches his son how a man should act in relations with a woman. A little boy doesn't understand everything yet, that's obvious. Nevertheless, it remembers the pattern and perpetuates it. He hears the warm tone of his father's voice as he turns to his mother and sees the tenderness he shows her. It makes me feel safe.

The internet is full of memes about how fathers raise their sons. They do everything in them so that the mothers knife opens in the pocket. We teach our sons to take risks and reward dangerous behavior - at least that's how it looks in the eyes of brands (and in memes). In fact, it's the other way around.

Fathers at a very early stage are more likely to teach their sons (or at least they should) that the world is neither good nor bad, and it's up to us to make it what it will be. Figuratively speaking, mothers are more likely to discourage their sons from climbing a tree. Fathers are more likely to suggest that they go in, but with caution. What conclusion will the youngster draw from this? Probably such that it is worth exploring and getting to know the world. Maybe the view of the area will be cooler from the perspective of the branches? Or maybe it will turn out that overcoming his own fear will be a pleasant experience from which he will draw important conclusions for the future?

What's The Lion King got to do with it?

Of course, these explorations should have limits. Going too high can lead to a fall and painful consequences. So far it is allowed, but above it is not, because it is dangerous. Such moments of joint exploration for which time is needed, putting down the smartphone, focusing on each other, allow father and son to learn from each other. This allows them to know their fears and accept them. Every father is a reference point for his son and at the same time something of a hero. It is good for the child to know that this hero is guided by reason in life and does not encourage taking stupid risks beyond strength and capabilities.

If you remember The Lion King - the best animated father-son movie - then you probably remember the scene where young Simba is furious that his mother does not let him explore the unknown. Meanwhile, his father shows him the world, while warning him of the consequences of careless actions.

Unlike his mother, Mufasa trusted Simba. Then it turned out as it turned out, the kid overreacted, and the father was angry with him. Then the young one said that the king of beasts should not be afraid of anything. The old lion replied: on the contrary, I am afraid, and fear tells me what to do and what not to do.

Such situations are not just about climbing a tree. They are about much more important things. Sons watch their fathers from an early age and, if they are truly present in their lives, try to imitate them. I mentioned that from the father, the son learns, among other things, respect for women, but the same is true of controlling emotions or controlling aggression.

Already in kindergarten, the boy will encounter situations in which he will have to be able to deal with emotions. Colleagues want to play something else? They don't listen to suggestions? Want to play with someone else? At times like this, kids get angry. How to deal with emotions? The primary reference point in these situations is usually the father.

What are we like every day? Cursing standing in a traffic jam? Does it carry us in difficult situations? Do we raise our voices to others? We forget about it, but from the beginning we set an example for our sons. What kind of men they will be - it's up to us.

"Then" is "now"

The father teaches his son how to compete healthily, how not to give up after a defeat, in general, he teaches that there is such a thing as failure in life. Of course, we constantly encourage children to be successful, but we also need to prepare them for less optimistic scenarios. When something fails for a few-year-old, our role is to cheer him up and help him get used to failure. This is a particularly masculine task - after all, it is we who motivate to explore, arouse curiosity and willingness to take risks (within reason, of course).

Fathers in the early stages of their sons' lives have a huge role to play. Don't put it off until later, because there will be no "after". And it's not just about purely technical skills: tying shoelaces or riding a bike. More fundamental things are also more important, such as showing affection, the ability to cope with failure or the ability to build relationships with peers.

I could multiply examples, but that's not the point. It is enough if you remember this one very important thing from this text: you must not postpone fatherhood for later. Being a father is about "here" and "now".