The Dystopia within you.

Imagine the unforgiving scream and wails from a grieving mother, imagine the pain emptiness and darkness that fills her mind. The anger and pure hate in which drives her every morning to get up. The revenge in which she wants to seek out to satisfy her grievances. The unforgivable things endured in her life now all piling up and vivid in her mind.

“She’s lost her bloody marbles” her uptight family members would say. Insisting on sending her to a mental ward or home for help. Perhaps a psychologist is what they had in mind?

She was never a believer in ghosts or the spirit world, she’d had odd experiences her whole life she blocked out and pretended didn’t exist until her beloved daughter tragically died after months of suffering and enduring a rare cancer. Eventually the tumours grew so large she suffocated to death slowly and as much one would hope it was pain free. Would suffocation even on heavy doses of pain relief would it really be relieving the pain of the end drawing closer slowly but surely?

Things I torment my brain with, the rising sun a flashback of good times I’ve had the setting sun and rising moon a reminder everything leaves to rise again. The evil leaves my mind to come back again. The darkness in the shadows are my friends lingering close reminding me not to fall for the petty tricks of man kind.

Blades cutting throats, chocking to death while gasping for air, spitting blood in all and different directions are some of the traitorous thoughts lingering in my mind. I visualise my own death over and over in my mind. The thoughts engulfing my brain turning into fantasy. Do I want the escape of ending all thoughts by ending myself. The feeling of never knowing what death brings does not fear me I fear that we live on again in another life.

Then one day the devil was knocking and I opened the door I decided to let him in and look at him like a friend, he is a mere projection of my angered self. An imposing god is the version of my righteous self. Simple self and holy self. Facing the fact I am not pure evil but I’m not purely good what does that make you, where does is mean you’ll go if you believe in religion or don’t. You get the good, the bad and the ugly and someone finds a way to turn an ugly situation into something beautiful.

I possess the exact opposite ability everything beautiful and mesmerising I touch turns to fire, darkness and death. I am a myth you have all be given the wrong perception on. I may seem like I am a living breathing devil yet, I obtain the knowledge others need to succeed yet I steer them in the wrong direction intentionally to their own undoing sat time because they disgust me with their greed, their needs and their wants. Not one human being in a position in life of eternal life would ever give the gift to another just because they need it more. People are self funding, self absorbed and no where near self sufficient they relied on spouses, parents and children to make amends and serve them and help them because one chose to have a child and do that for them so their eternal goal in life is to give back to those who have them the life they never asked for. Ironic isn’t it when the perspective is flipped what we see ourselves as.

If your heart was made of gold would you pick it like a lock to get what’s inside for your own personal gain or would you protect it and keep it sacred knowing your one of a kind and keep it hidden like a heart shaped locked under your turtle neck sweater?

Only those who live without telling a soul in search for riches find them, only those who truely understand the beauty and value of these sacred spots, ancient runes and untold treasures. To see something so beautiful and to not share it for the fear it would be destroyed by tourist attractions does make in one perspective a selfless act willing to keep secrets secret for they understand the life dedication and years of searching for something. But keeping for yourself in another perspective is selfish and wrong.

You can flip a coin and the outcome will be the same heads or tails never landing on its side for a different view or perhaps you hadn’t flicked one long enough to see it happen. There will always be the good bad and the ugly in our minds. There will always be two sides to a story. You tell someone for long enough how dark, evil and relentless they are they might just become and even worded version than you imagined.

Only I posses the ability of being surrounded by good encouraging friends and family and I’m still whirling into a self loathing bottomless pit of doom. I bring the sufferings to those around me by exposing harsh truths for what they are. On one hand it’s a poisoning, toxic trait to have. On the other hand honesty and loyalty for what you see and believe and a determination to seek it out is utterly relentless and shows strength in the lowest of places in the hope of an inspiring outcome in the end.

So here I am in my darkest of soul bearing journeys I have a seven year old daughter from a previous relationship but my now passed daughter and her had the same father figure, making amends with what I can before my mind lures be backwards again. Hopeful for a future yet expecting the endless loop before me the stages of life everyday repetitive. Happy, sad, angry, emotional and other days something completely different from it all. Like a statue sitting still completely focused envisioning memories and future times before my eyes playing out endless outcomes while I stand in a violent bar. This is where my life was really urging me to me go? To the blood splattering fights, women spitting venom over worthless men. Lonely drunk sad people retelling stories of pain similar to mine is this where I’ll end up.. on the other side of the bar sad and feeling unworthy of feeling at all. Demons on demons constant reminders surround people. People taking pitty, I’d often laugh at slurs and the and sexual remarks made towards me not because I enjoyed it but because I was smiling with my teeth clenched thinking “what else could possibly go wrong on 12 hour shift’s” I couldn’t wait for the conversation to end to stop pretending I cared.

Life keeps getting harder and the older I grow the more I realise I’m like a only solider going backwards. Nothing could bring me back to life. The more I adapted to my surroundings the more enjoyed them. The less the devils voice spoke I empathised with the emotions around me, this was an underlying issue that remained unresolved within myself because I’d never taken notice of it. By removing myself from everything I knew and leaving myself stranded in the middle of no where I was learning how selfless and homey the place and the people I was now surrounded by. New friendships could begin if I let them but I sit on the wall and then it changed one day.

I looked at a man and saw what I see in myself completely miserable masking a pain and smiling it threw, although he hid it well real eyes can realise the real lies. I wanted to know him. I soon did that seeing the potential of happinesses I apparently deserve after my harsh circumstances. A good hard working man with a kind and nurturing nature, it was like unconditional love there in my hands and I stood there shakily like it was bleeding and I’d suck the happiness dry. After months of going back and forth and the indestructible nature I have it was best I left it behind.

A love similar to this I had experienced it was the only thing I cling onto as a happy thought, after having and loosing out on things in life I’ve felt like moving forward seemed like a sense of replacing what was. I can’t move forward and just stop loving what I had and regretting that it is gone. I wonder if in years we hold the potential to reunite as one again. Him being the other other father figure in my daughter life for years on end means she holds a special part in her heart for him also.

I felt his life was constantly surrounded by me and my problems and he sacrificed so much for myself and my kids, I had the chance to marry a living breathing god and let him slip threw my fingers in hopes he finds more than he ever could of dream. I remember as a teenager I read a quote on his mother’s door saying “if you love something let it go, if it comes back its yours if it doesn’t it never was” for some reason this stuck with me in the moments pushing him away. I can imagine him starting a family living a happy life with an extremely adorable son, I loved him so much I wished better for him than myself.

I wished misery upon myself because I felt like part of me deserved it and the more soul searching I do the darker and colder I feel towards my own self for personal traits and past experiences and moments. The happiest ones live in heaven. I’m extremely grateful for my daughter but I’m stuck in delusional and overwhelming explosion of emotions every time I try to be a mum. Everything is a reminder of my daughter that’s not here and everything my cherub now experiences I wonder what would of been like for her only sibling I struggled to have.

Now I spend my days waiting to exercise the demons still learning, still making mistakes, still cruel and evil minded. Still the same loving girl I was until someone pushes me to far and I snap. I feel like part of my 100 personalities is going to shine like a sun on summers day unleashing an thousand angers at once. Imagine the extent I would go to for the protection and safety of my only little cub left I fear the world for what it might do to her and what it’s done to me.

It’s what you make of a situation and my mentality strong no matter what direction it travels to. I’m grounded by morals and codes of my own I’ll one day share as an insight to the mind of the stereotype in which I categorise in.

Although the darkness is there perhaps it needs to be let it as a process and learning curb to once again create and rebirth a newer and hopefully better version of myself I seek to be. I realise I am growing I’m forming a new formation and foundations for my own self and family. Everyday bring something new and there’s always a light at the of the tunnel.

So although I may be dark and miserable it’s only for a brief period of time, I’m down but I will get up. You can’t expect anything in life.. it’s what you choose to see and believe or make of a situation that shapes your mind into being a better version of you and into the person you are destined to be. I can only hope to be half the mother I once was before it felt like I lost all sense of being and belonging. Making myself an outcast of my own situation.