The Drawbacks of Being an Only Child

I wish I had siblings. Not for the reasons people tend to think though.

I didn't have a lonely childhood. I wasn't the weird outcast kid everyone bullied at school. I didn't hate my life growing up. I had good groups of friends. I was generally well-liked, despite my obvious obtuse ignorance to it back then. I had a good childhood. I have good parents. I was a happy kid with a normal life.

But by 16 I realized that my attachment to my mother wasn't normal or healthy.

No teenager spends that much time attached to their mother's side. No teenager. It only got worse, too. By my mid twenties, my idea of "going out" was running errands with my mom.

By 20 I had already decided I could never move away from my parents because who will take care of them in their old age? We have no other family. Their friends are all the same age with the same challenges.

Who will be there if something happens to them and I live across the country, or even in a different county? Who will check in on them? Who will make sure they don't miss a doctors appointment? Who will be there to make sure they get their groceries and don't forget to eat? Who will be there to help with cleaning the house and paying the bills and ensuring that they aren't getting scammed or duped because they're the lonely old couple with no living relatives nearby? Who will be there to see that their health is declining, or their mental capacity is no longer what it used to be? Who will foot the bill for their nursing home if I can't care for them at home and I can't afford the home myself?

It's not a decision I came to because I'm overly attached, doting, dependent, or any of those things. It's because I witnessed that exact same issue throughout my entire life with my grandparents. I didn't get to say goodbye to my grandpa when he died. It was four days from finding out he'd been admitted to the hospital to finding out he most likely wouldn't make it to buying plane tickets to traveling those unbelievably long 18 hours. He died 9 hours before we landed. I don't want that for my parents. I don't want them to die alone.

I don't want any potential future children to grow up without their grandparents because they live too far away.

But by 23 I had also already accumulated enough guilt for all my imaginary siblings over my indecision on kids.

I don't want my bloodline to end with me. I don't want my parents to never have grandchildren. I know how much they would adore having another kid running around again. I see their friends getting older and I saw their friends' pain when they found out they won't ever be grandparents. I don't want that for my parents.

But I don't know that I want kids yet. I've gone back and forth on that decision so many times I lost count about a hundred thousand times ago. I don't know that I will ever have the opportunity to have kids in the first place because that requires a second person, which I clearly am having trouble finding.

I don't even know that I can have kids. Pretty much every woman in my family has had the same condition affecting their ability to get pregnant and I'm terrified of finding out that I have it too. And my window is only getting smaller by the minute anyway.

I don't even know if I like kids. I've never really been around them. I don't even know if I'm cut out to be a parent. I don't want to bring someone into this world when I don't know if I have the ability to raise them. Whatever social anxiety I may have only seems to come out around kids. I have so many issues of my own and I can't put that on a child's shoulders.

A sibling, especially one with a different character, may have been more receptive to kids. Maybe I could've been the fun aunt. Maybe I could've had a practice run of sorts.

I know that's an unhealthy view on siblings. I know siblings aren't there to be your test subjects. I know siblings are human beings with their own characters, aspirations, dreams, and desires. I know having siblings isn't some kind of automatic fix. I know. But...

I wish I had siblings. They may not be reliable, they may not be what I want or need, they may hate me or vice versa, but at least I wouldn't be completely alone. Even if everything fell onto my shoulders anyway, at least I could say I'd have been no worse off by myself. At least I would have had a chance at taking some of the weight off of my shoulders.

I play peacekeeper between my parents. I am the rock my parents lean on when they're having trouble with each other, with others, with life. I have to be strong for them, but the question of whether I need support or strength never comes up.

I wish I had siblings.

At least I might have been able to breathe sometimes.