The battles worth fighting for

I have firmly arrived at the conclusion that while there are many of us out there who have experienced abusive situations and/or survived domestic violence, there are few out there who truly understand us who are not survivors. Personally, I am so sick of the judgmental conversations and comments behind my back from people who think they know what I should have done in my situation. Seeing a situation from only your perspective and not caring to try and understand what the person is actually going through or thinking helps no one, especially the person needing it the most. Anyone who knows me well knows I do not bow to social rules and pressures. It's not who I am or who I will ever be. In the past, this has been a huge spot of contention with friends and family, of whom I am not close with and still feel like an outsider. I am different and I have a voice. I need to be heard. I went through so many situations that others may not have been able to survive or get out and be free. How am I supposed to heal from what I went through when the same judgmental people and voices that have always been there still are. What do they say, you may wonder? "She should have left earlier." "She should have been smarter to not put herself in that position." "I never would have done something stupid like that." "When is she going to grow up and stop acting like a victim?" Do these people know what I went through? Not even the slightest. Do they care? Often I question if they do or if they feel an obligation to. I am tired of hearing judgmental remarks and comments. I am tired of people thinking that they know what I should have done when they have never experienced it. I am a believer in "Don't judge me until you walk a mile in my shoes." But lately, I am feeling like a mile is not nearly long enough. A trek across the United States from one end to the other would be more appropriate. I work hard on my own healing process and when these comments and remarks make their way to me, despite anything I do, it always hits hard. It becomes nearly impossible to fight back since they don't listen to anything I say and they don't know anything I do either. I feel myself drowning and I am struggling to reach the surface and breathe. Everywhere I turn there are battles to fight and demons to destroy. I am feeling weary and tired of the fight. "Won't it ever end?" I ask myself this all the time and I have to remind myself, I am not the only one who feels this way. I am not the only one who has been through an experience I desperately wish I could erase and never remember again. Truthfully, I wrote down the details a year ago about the trauma I experienced when I was only 6 and again exactly 10 years later after my 16th birthday. But after that I hid the letter, not wishing to destroy it, but not wanting to ever remember it again. Now I have buried it so far down, that I barely remember it. The details are hazy and covered in a thick layer of fog, deep inside my memory. Instead, it has been replaced with the trauma I went through the past 6 years and am working to heal from. There are some days I want to erase the past 6 years completely and others I wish it was all a horrid nightmare and I will wake up. Some days I don't remember much of it and try to hide it with the rest of the trauma-in the fog where I want it to be. Some days I cry in the shower, playing each detail over and over in my head. Some days I am focused on the healing path and how I want that to look. Other days, I feel paralyzed and I just want to be alone. But I always hear the voice of Jiminy Cricket in my head, telling me to make the right decision and telling me I can do it and I need to move on from the judgmental comments and remarks. They aren't helpful in my journey to become a better person and they certainly don't help me to heal from anything. With that in mind, tonight I have made a decision to completely block these people from my life. If I have a chance at healing, I need people who are compassionate and understanding and I deserve that. Anyone reading this who has also been through trauma, this message is also for you. You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, compassion and love. As do I. So although tonight I am feeling hurt and alone, I know I am never truly alone. And though the battle is weary, I will still fight it. Even if that is simply drawing a line of no tolerance and setting boundaries. Tonight, I am feeling quiet and withdrawn. I feel vulnerable and hurt. Tonight, this is me.