The apple

When a mother dies,the family dynamic changes forever.I was already used to the feeling of being alone and working through challenges.This experience was different.This was an official notice and I was the next in line.I had to be the one to keep in touch with all of the extended family and remember all the birthdays.My first born status had reached new heights.4:34 was the time she died.We shared her last exhale.I wasn’t scared.I knew her soul would rise.Sweat beads were released from her body with relief.The great escape.Freedom.I was speechless.I was thoughtless.Usually I’m quiet,but my thoughts never stop rotating.I’m now living in the 4:34 shadow.I left the hospital to shower and refresh.Once I returned,Her body had had enough.She was ready.Or at least God was.Looking back at that experience of washing and cleansing the old energies away before she passed it seems planned.More of an unplanned spiritual ritual.Preparing for the next chapter in a way.She had told me before that she was scared,so I held her hand and made sure she could feel me there with her.Her eyes were closed.I was there with her like she had been for me when I graduated and fell off my bike and into a snowplow.Aform of justice for her.I was sad but pleasured to be there.The cycle.She took what I thought was her last exhale.I leaned over her to get a closer look and she suddenly exhaled again right into my face.So close I could almost taste it.Energy was stagnant and explosive all at once.

She had many challenges when it came to relationships and parenting.She was resourceful.She was loving.She protected and provided for me and my siblings.She tried her best.She tried to smile bright and stand tall.Underneath I all she felt abandoned,alone and misunderstood.She would hold onto everything .She felt like she had to keep experiences and feelings a secret.She held onto her children tightly also.She gave too much to people around her and not enough to herself.She never let herself experience the art of letting go.Her intentions were genuine but based in fear.I guess you do what you know.You do what you’ve learned.You do what’s comfortable.When a mother dies.Things change for a lot of people.This is not only physical but also energetic.When you allow your passion to die or your identity to be masked or stolen you also die.You unknowingly teach your children that it’s not important to feel fulfilled and valued as a person or a parent.They will hold themselves to this unhealthy standard and expect the same from their spouse.Robots all vying of broken hearts.Generations of wasted potential.It’s a slow draining death.

It impacts everyone around you and your children absorb this energy the most because they are not only feeling your energy but,they are looking to you for leadership.They trust the moves you make and mirror and attract that later in life.It can be very distructive or it can be beautiful if you learn to be resilient and learn to manipulate negative energy and patterns into positivity and prosperity.When you grow up witnessing the flow of resilience it becomes second nature.It’s infectious and inspiring.I dare you to try.Learning without knowing.Growing without yearning.Loving without hurting.

Many say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.I don’t like that theory.That phrase restrains me.Limits my voice.Limits my choice.My tree moldes me.My tree was fruitful,failed and won.Would bare fruit and lived and learned in the cold.I want my apple gold because it’s sparkle mirrors me.It’s magnetism emulates my possibilities.I choose truth.I choose peace.I choose love.I choose gold.This time I decided to lose control .Closed my eyes and went with the flow.Disregarded all my fears.I’ve released so many tears and grew about 1000 years.Lost about 1000 pounds.Figured out the root of pain.Seen the rainbows after rain.Rediscovered my heart of gold.Created the story I wanted told.I forgive the me I used to be.I love the me I wanna be.I love the future I can see.I desire,I inspire.I reflect,it takes me higher.This apple fell right from the tree.This apple shines so bright.She’s free.This apple knows there’s no love like a mother’s love.No one like herself.She chooses truth.She chooses peace.She chooses love.She chooses gold.