Ten Ways to Tell if You're Being Gaslighted

Ten Ways to Tell if You’re Being Gaslighted

The term gaslighting is not brand new or contemporary. It’s actually 80 years old and derives from the 1938 play, Gas Light, and its 1944 film adaptation.

The story surrounds a husband who is trying to trick his wife into thinking she’s going mad in order to place her in a mental asylum and steal her money. He does this by dimming the gas lighting and telling her she’s hearing things that are not there.

Although it’s nearing its century, gaslighting did not become a common term in the public’s psyche until the mid-2010s.

Today, gaslighting is widely understood as a form or emotional or psychological abuse whereby the perpetrator manipulates the victim through telling lies, denying things have happened and blaming the victim. The result is that victim begins to doubt his or herself and their sense of worth diminishes.

Whether gaslighting is done for pleasure or to wield power over another, the crux of the position is that perpetrators do it as a way of controlling the other person.

And it doesn’t just happen to people in relationships. It can happen between a superior and a workmate, a parent and child or between so-called friends.

So, how do you know if you’ve been gaslighted or not?

1 Lying

A relationship with a gaslighting abuser may start off really well. However, be warned: gaslighters will inveigle their way into your life by being charming and build trust, only to take it away by lying. Then they’ll lie about their lies and the cycle will continue until you are unable to tell your arse from your elbow. They will weave a web of lies so complicated that you will doubt yourself.

Have you ever heard these phrases:

• “I didn’t say that.”

• “That didn’t happen.”

• “You’re being way too sensitive.”

• “You’re acting crazy.”

• “You’re imagining things.”

• “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

• “What you said you saw, you didn’t see.”

• “What you said you heard, you didn’t hear.”

• “If it wasn’t for me, you’d be nothing.” ?

Chances are you’re being gaslighted.

2 Minimising your views, discounting your fears, making you question your own thoughts and memories

You know that what happened actually happened, but this person is telling you you’re wrong. And, what’s more, he or she is telling you that you are being crazy thinking or feeling this way. They will give you a totally different version of the event and say it’s the true version, but it’s one you don’t remember because it’s a lie.

They will invalidate your feelings and concerns, and make you think you are being over sensitive. They will say you are being stupid thinking that way.

3 Discrediting you to others and aligning people against you

The gaslighter is very clever in the way he or she will manipulate not only you, but others too. He or she will talk you down to other people and make it so these other people begin to believe you are not as worthy as they first thought.

This is a way for the gaslighter to isolate you from others so that he or she can have total control over you. Without your regular support network, the only person you can turn to is the gaslighter. An example of this is when a co-worker tells other workers you are poor at your job. He or she says it often enough and the co=workers begin to believe it.

4 Blaming anyone but them

Gaslighters will take no blame for any of their actions. They will tell you it’s your fault something happened or that it was someone else’s. It’s never their fault. They are blameless…well, that’s what they want everyone to believe, especially you.

If you accuse them of doing something wrong, they will tell you it wasn’t them or that you remember it incorrectly or it was someone else. For example, your partner says he or she will be home by a certain time in the evening, 6pm. They don’t come home until 10pm and then deny they ever told you they said they’d be back earlier. They will question your memory and tell you that you never remember anything correctly, even though you know you are right.

5 Telling you that you shouldn’t trust other people

This is another way for them to isolate you from your friends and family. A gaslighter might say that, for instance, your sister has said something bad about you or told a secret you’d asked her not to tell anyone else. This is, of course, untrue, but when you say you’ll ask your sister about it, the gaslighter will talk you out of it.

The abuser will say that you can’t trust that person, that they can’t keep a secret or have been talking about you behind your back, saying pretty nasty things. It’s all a pack of lies, but he or she is so good at manipulating you, you believe them.

6 Hiding things and then pretending they don’t know what you’re talking about

What does this mean? Well, say you overhear your partner flirting with someone on the telephone and making arrangements to meet up, or he or she may be receiving numerous texts from someone you don’t know. When you question him or her about it, they tell you it’s just their mother or a sibling.

If you continue demanding to know more, they will tell you that you don’t trust them and that you’re to blame because you are such a jealous and suspicious person. Of course, you’re not. You are justified in questioning them, but they will deflect the truth at every opportunity.

7 Making degrading statements or false accusations against you

Your partner accuses you of looking fat and unattractive. When you become upset, they accuse you of being over-sensitive. You start crying and they then might change tack saying that they’ve always loved your body and that they’ve always believed you are beautiful.

This is a way for the gaslighter to get away with poor behaviour. He or she will then turn the whole thing around and make you feel bad for getting upset in the first place. You may then find yourself apologising to them for your behaviour even though it was them that started it. It’s another way of controlling you.

8 Withholding Information

Your abuser may also fail to tell you vital information. This could come in the form of not telling you a family member or friend has called you, or that a job offer has come through.

It’s all about controlling who is around you, who can get access to you and how you live your life. If you find out the truth, the abuser will then say that he or she never took the call or saw the letter. They will lie to get out of it.

9 Sporadic positive reinforcement – saying nice things just to confuse you

A gaslighter will tell you nice things every now and again to make sure you’re still dangling on their line. It’s a way of controlling you, of keeping you in their life. They might tell you that they love you, that you’re special to them, their best friend. They may even tell you that you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to them. They will apologise for previous bad behaviour, promise not to do it again and tell you they can’t live without you.

These little tidbits of affection can be enough to keep the victim in the relationship longer than they might otherwise have. Someone promises to change? You decide to give them another chance. They tell you they love you, you’re so low in self-esteem you’ll take that love because your abuser has already got you thinking you’re unworthy. And you are so grateful for all the lovely things he or she has said. It’s a vicious cycle.

10 What you might experience as the victim of a gaslighter

You might feel confused an become withdrawn or unsociable. You might find yourself constantly apologising to the gaslighter or defend/lie about their behaviour to others. You may find it difficult to make simple decisions and are constantly second-guessing yourself.

Worst of all, you may feel worthless and incompetent at everything. You might feel life is not worth living because you feel so worthless. Victims of gaslighting have also reported experiencing depression, anxiety and other mental health illnesses.

What you can do about it

Keep a secret diary of your life with this person. Jot down events and everything he or she says that you don’t believe. Confide in a trusted person who can offer you support: your best friend, a family member, a grown-up child or even a counsellor. Take pictures as proof and to remind you that you are not imagining things.

Make an escape plan and put away money so you can leave when you are ready. Contact local domestic abuse charities for help and advice. If it’s at work, put in an official complaint to Human Resources or your manager. If it’s the manger, go above him or her. Start looking for another job.

Get out of the situation. No-one should have to put up with another person deliberately psychologically abusing them. Get help now.