Taking out the Trash

This year we have heard the word essential more than any other time in my life. Essential goods and services, essential employees, essentials to buy, essential vitamins and so many people going without the bare essentials to lead a healthy and productive life.

In the words of the great, T.V. SMith, “It’s expensive being poor.” He wasn’t just rhyming, “because everything (does) cost more.”

We, and I may just be talking for me, want a lot of stuff. Houses and cars are, for most people essential, and so are our clothes and food of course but to what extent?

This time last year we were saving for a house. We were both working full time and putting away; we had a plan, and like so many people our plans have been put on hold and changed. The day I got laid off, we needed to go and buy the essentials. We were going into lockdown. We went and bought everything we needed for two weeks. 500-700$ of food and toiletries, just in case. We only bought two packs of toilet paper, but more than we needed just the same. Masks, we needed masks; cloth masks, surgical masks, hand-made masks and novelty masks. My boyfriend was an essential employee and they made hand sanitizer another thing down another t crossed. We needed clothes and shoes for the boys, making it essential that I started banking and shopping on-line, something I refused to do before. I watched TV, when the boys were busy playing or sleeping for a couple of months. So much that I needed more stuff to watch, I thought. Spending money on things and clothes that we shouldn’t have been spending wasn’t doing anything but cluttering up the house.

What I needed now, was another recycling container for the boxes.

So, I purged. I needed a clean space, less of everything. I saved money.

One very hot day in July the local beach was flooded with tourists and cases were rising; I opted for a walk in the brooke with the boys to cool off. It turned out it needed some love. The boys and I spent the summer cleaning out the garbage week after week until it was almost too cold to get in, Lucas noticed how much less there was in our bags than before. Love was taking out the garbage. This changed everything. I cut out the news, the stress, the over spending of time and money on things and people who weren’t bringing me joy. More and more stuff had to go.

Negative thoughts, cut them out too. Meditation, to clean the mind and water to clean my body. Cutting down on sugar and junk food was hard, coffee still impossible but I made big changes.

Then I added a job I didn’t really want but I needed. For a few months I was essential again. I was back in the grind but this time I just hated it. I couldn’t do my morning meditation, It was new but I needed it now, it made me anxious getting up and going to work. Back came the junk food and the soft drinks and the un-essential pounds. In 3 months, almost everything I got rid of was back and along with my arthritis pains I’d been numbing for years.

The 10 whole days off at Christmas were amazing, I had cut back on gifts, more things we could do, more art, more sports, more baking. The essentials. Just our small family dinner, no rushing around, no obligation dinners. We were under restriction and it was almost just what we needed. I knew then what I needed was to not go back, I wanted to do more with less and find a way to do something I loved. But I needed to go back to work, because we/I always need more money for something. 10 Days off with anxiety about walking back in there to have my boss yell at me and having to bite my tongue. I needed a job with good hours for when the boys went back to school and daycare, I could do it. On the Monday back, she yelled at me and cut all our hours saying if we didn’t like it we could find other jobs. I needed that job, lots of people were out of work and I had a job. I went back the next day and was laid off. She said we could finish the week if we needed the money, but she didn’t need us anymore. I needed the money but it wasn’t as important anymore. I walked home lighter and happy. I knew my partner in life would be there with our kids to tell me it was going to work out and that was all I really needed.

My happiness, I needed to put that back in. That was #1. My kids and boyfriend all depend on me; I do all the essential things for the family, the check-lists and deadlines and I love it. But I needed more from them, so I could be more for them. I don’t need to organize their rooms, and I don’t need to clean like crazy but mostly I couldn’t. I was hurting more and more. My dad’s girlfriend saw me walking and told me to go to the Drs. It hadn’t really occurred to me that was on the list. I made the appointments. Why hadn’t I thought of making one for me too.

The garbage, I hadn’t finished. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally I was better than ever but I hadn’t got rid of the physical pain yet.

Last year was about taking the garbage out. This year is about what to do with all the space. A clear focus on goals without all the clutter blocking the view was what I needed last year.

There is tons of space in my heart and my closet for so many more people and much more stuff since the purge of 2020. I just like having the space there now. It is ready to be filled at any moment if the right thing or friend comes along but I’m in no hurry to fill it up. Empty spaces in my closet and my calendar that’s my goal! I want to have the time and space to fill my life with all the things that I forgot were essential to me before I grew up; playing in the brooke, drawing a picture, painting a rooster and writing books for my children to enjoy now. I want to take the time to write down the stories in my head and chase after new dreams and old ones.

I know what happens now when we let the garbage pile up, it takes a very long time to sort through and get rid of but it’s possible. The hard part is not letting it in to begin with. I stopped receiving notifications, only calls. I have so much more time for writing things that matter to me. I read the news again but I’ve stopped reading the comments, and even that tiny change saves me time I can't get back and anger I don’t need. I save the time to read deeper into things that are happening.

My space has value, my personal and physical space, so should everything in it. We rent and buy spaces and never question that they have monetary value. Then we come in and fill them with stuff, so much we can’t see what we’re paying for anymore. A beautiful house gets lost in too much clutter, the finishings and moldings can get hidden behind old couches and trunks. But when the house is sold, emptied and cleaned, it breathes ready for just the right pieces that accentuate its beauty and remains beautiful as long as I keep it clean and don’t fill it up with garbage