Suicide Gone Wrong

At this point, I just wanted to hide from the world. I asked my husband if we could just sell everything, use the money to buy a camper, and just disappear, off to some hole in the woods, where no one could find me, hurt me, or betray me. I think, at the time, my husband knew my mental status and he just wanted to see me happy again, so he agreed to do whatever would make me happy.

It took less than two weeks and I had sold everything, bought a camper, and we had moved 45 minutes away from the nearest town, in the middle of the woods, where literally it would take an act of congress for anyone to find me. I felt safe in my hole, but I still just wanted to die. I couldn't though. My husband depended on me. He needed me. This was the only thing that kept me going, for a while anyways, before things started to get even worse.

After living for a year in a camper, I finally felt good enough to quit drinking again. After I was sober for a few months, I reached out to my father, missing my parents dearly and just wanting somewhat of a relationship with them again.

It took time before my mother started talking to me again, but I didn't mind. I had hurt her quit a bit in the past with my words, blaming her for a lot of the bad things that had happened in my life. She had every right, as did I, to be cautious of maintaining a relationship again. We had both been hurt by each other and healing needed to take place.

Although my siblings still were not talking to me, and according to my mother it was because I had "accused" my brother of molesting my sister, I still felt somewhat okay because my parents were present in my life again, and that's all that mattered to me. I wished the best for my siblings, and I had let go of the notion that my brother may have done something to my sister; really, I didn't much care to have a relationship with either one of them at that point because I, too, was still healing from the past.

About three years after reconnecting with my parents, I finally had enough courage to reconnect with my brother. I reached out to him and apologized for "accusing" him. He took the apology well, and said it was in the past. Within a week, he was explaining to me how he had been struggling financially and he needed help, so I offered to Western Union him some money. He accepted my offer and thanked me. We maintained a relationship for about six months, each week with him calling and explaining his marital issues and financial problems, and me feeling obligated to help him because of the pain I had caused him in the past.

The last time I had spoken with him on the phone, I explained that I couldn't help him financially for a while. I explained to him that my husband was taking a new job and that we were about to have to move, that we were going to purchase my dad's camper, and that I would need the extra money to be able to accomplish this. Honestly, I think I just felt like our newfound relationship was based on him needing money, and I wanted more than just a financial dependency. I wanted my brother back, but he wasn't the same person I had remembered.

A few weeks passed after my last conversation with my brother, my husband had obtained a new job, working in an oil field which supplied natural gas to the surrounding towns. Because he was having to travel an hour and a half one way, we knew we were going to have to move closer, and since he would be on call 24/7, we figured it would be easier to just buy a camper and stay on the job site.

My father had purchased a camper just two years before, but because of his health and not enough spare time, he had only been able to use it two or three times. My father had been working many hours a week for extra money (aside from his retirement), and my mother was working long hours as well, so we figured the camper must be a hardship on them, and maybe if we took up the payments, it would help them out; my father could work less, my mother wouldn't feel as pressured to work more hours, and they could enjoy spending extra time with one another.

I discussed with my father taking up the notes on the camper, since it would help us out because we were going to have to purchase a camper soon anyway, and explaining I figured it may help them out as well. My father did not disagree, and said we could come get it whenever we wanted, so we planned to take a trip to my father's house (five hours away) two weeks after that phone call.

After speaking with my father, though, I began worrying once again. My brother was aware that I was about to purchase my dad's camper from him, and I hadn't heard from my brother in a few weeks, so once again, I was in fear of losing my family. A week before we were to pick up the camper, I called my mother and somewhat explained my worries, telling her that I was afraid my siblings were about to become angry and that they would try to start some sort of drama over the camper. She claimed neither of them cared about the camper, and that they should have said something sooner if they wanted anything to do with it anyways.

My siblings had started drama before, so something told me not to buy the camper. It seemed as though every time they were unhappy with something in my life, my world would crumble, and I was getting this feeling in the pit of my stomach once again.

For the next several days, I tried to convince my husband to buy a different camper, that maybe my father didn't need help financially, and that even if he did, it was his financial burden and hardship. I was afraid my siblings were about to rock the boat and make a mess once again. I backed out of the deal, and so now my husband would take it up with my father, and he would be responsible for anything having to do with the purchasing of the camper ... Or so I thought.

My husband said that the deal was between he and my father, and that I wouldn't be brought into it to begin with. He said even if my siblings started something, it would be okay because the purchase decision was something that had nothing to do with the rest of us.

Low and behold, two weeks after moving the camper to the oil field job site, I get a text message from my mother stating, "There have been serious accusations brought against you for sexual abuse from both of your siblings. Your father and I both believe what they have said and I think it is time for you to take accountability for your actions. Yes, it happened a long time ago but there is so much pain in this family from the past. This really needs to be resolved. Mom."

Confused, I thought she was talking about me accusing my brother of sexual abuse against my sister a few years prior, so I began questioning what she was talking about, explaining that I thought I had already resolved it with my brother. I had already apologized for "accusing" him and we were maintaining a relationship, so I was more than caught off guard by what she said next.

She said, "This is about sexual abuse that happened when your siblings were children, abuse you inflicted when we lived in Louisiana that continued in South Carolina."

When I explained I had no clue what she was talking about, she responded, "Please don't do this. You and your ex-husband (my first husband) started abusing my babies and I am just now finding out about it. I never could figure out why your sister was so withdrawn but now it all makes sense. I just wish I knew why. Please just tell me why?"

Still not knowing exactly what she was referring to, since I never sexually abused either one of them, I proceeded to call and ask exactly what accusations were being made against me. During our telephone call, she informed me that my brother was claiming I "taught him" how to masturbate and that I "watched" pornography with my siblings, which is somewhat true seeing as though we found my father's pornography magazines (not videos). She also stated my sister was claiming I took naked photos of her when she was a child, and further stated she knew it was true because she "saw" the photos.

I stated that she saw no such photos because none were taken, at least not by me, but she stood firm that she had actually seen the photos of my sister, and that she knew I had taken them, which is still beyond my comprehension because I never took any naked photos of my sister, but she has taken a few provocative photos of me (upon my urging), but never naked.

She then said that my siblings told her I "threw parties" and "gave them drugs" when I was a teenager, which partially was true because I did throw a party (singular), but I didn't give them drugs. I let them sip on a beer, but they didn't like it anyway. There were drugs there, but neither myself nor my siblings partook of any of it. It was marijuana, and I didn't like marijuana or the way it made me feel. I explained to my mother that there was a party (singular), but there were not drugs, and she stated, "Yeah, but it was still a party."

She then proceeded to tell me that I "kissed" my brother when he was a child, which I did when my brother was around five and I was maybe nine years old, and I was a child too, not knowing any better. When I explained to her about my brother showing my sister and I his erection when he was around the age of 11, she stated, "He said you would say that," and then she proceeded to get off the phone with me because she "just can't handle this right now."

My heart sunk when my mother hung up the phone. I wasn't going to let them do this to me again. At first, I tried to defend myself. It was within a week or so that I realized my parents truly believed what was being said, and there was nothing I could say or do at this point to defend anything being said. They won. My brother and sister had finally won the war.

After this, my mother deleted me off of social media, refused to answer my calls, and wouldn't speak to me again, aside from responding to a text wherein I explained I would bring the camper back because I figured my siblings did this because they are angry over us purchasing the camper. My mother's last words to me were, "Dad said to tell you that this is not about the camper. Keep the camper. We don't want it back."

I knew it was going to happen; I just didn't know my siblings would stoop that low. They took one situation that, yes, I could have prevented (finding my father's pornography stash), and they turned it against me to make me seem like the bad guy.

When I stated I thought it was because we were buying my father's camper, my sister proceeded to publicly post on social media, "I don't want the camper. Why would I take from my dad when I can just go buy my own?" This told me all I needed to know. She and my brother were under the assumption that my husband and I were taking something from my father and they were angry about it.

I called my father trying to explain that I thought we were helping him out since it was a bill he was paying on something he wasn't even using, and that I thought he could use the extra time off work. It was then that he explained he didn't "need" my help, and that I was "forgiven" for what I had done in the past.

This conversation with my father sparked a sadness that I cannot even begin to explain, a lonliness I knew I would feel again, just not to this extent. I never thought it was possible to feel this helpless, this lonely, or to feel this amount of mental anxiety all at once. I had felt this way before, but never to the point where I actually felt like hell was a better option than this pain I was now feeling.