Sorry Mother But I Can’t Love You

These two were probably us, I’m sure about this. Back then, when I didn't have any idea of what are you trying to raise me into.

Everything that is wrong with me I owe it to her. She knows how to be a mom. She doesn't know how to be a human.

I find it hard to love because of her wrong interpretation of love for me. I know, her childhood is the main reason she is psychologically ill but she doesn't even accept constructive criticism. I now understand more than ever what’s the problem. I can’t show fake love(for the sake of family) to a person like her though.

Imagine a person that is racist. Conservative with the role of a woman in a family and uneducated.

Imagine that person to be angry with every person she knows, channeling her anger into her husband and son.

Imagine her being so anxious with everything that she starts controlling them.

Lastly, imagine her to be antisocial. Pushing every friend of her husband away for insignificant matters. Most importantly pushing her own family away over delusional thoughts about them.

Would you love that person?

If she was a random one you would want to push her toxicity away from your life. But what if she is family? What if she is your mother?

She offers me so many things. Food, a clean home. I’m thankful for that. Her love and affection might not resemble the love of a proper mother but it's there.

She offers me so much toxicity too though. Her control over me made me a rebel against her beliefs. She doesn't even hide her problems. She fills me with anxiety and pressure. It’s hard to write without getting emotional here.

Maybe I wouldn't be writing if she didn't change me into a completely different person than the one she expected me to be.

I’ve smoked weed, dated foreign girls. I use dating apps and I don't want to get done with my university. I played PC games more than she would think I did. The girl with the blue hair that she hated? I was with her for a while. I’m not believing in the religion she believes in.

She wants me to get married to a local Greek girl. Have kids and settle down before my 30s. Have a nice Orthodox wedding. But I’m thinking of not getting married at all anyway.

Those are thoughts that I will never share with her. I don't own her the truth.

But most of all…She doesn't deserve any more sadness and pain.

I know about her early years. I know she is broken and a mess. I can see why people like her are messed up. Why people like her have such a broken character.

“Children who are not encouraged to do, to try, to explore, to master, and to risk failure, often feel helpless and inadequate. Over-controlled by anxious, fearful parents, these children often become anxious and fearful themselves. This makes it difficult for them to mature. Many never outgrow the need for ongoing parental guidance and control. As a result, their parents continue to invade, manipulate, and frequently dominate their lives.”

― Susan Forward

I own my life to her. I also own what I’ve become to her.

After all, her mistakes showed me what’s right.

If I was living the life she wanted, I would end up being just another meaningless person living a boring routine. No excitement and no risk.

I would be mediocre for the rest of my life, while I have so much to offer to the world.

I became a rebel against her beliefs. I tried, I explored, I risked and I failed. I found love, real love. I connected with people around the world. Learned new cultures and perspectives.

The solution as a son was to break the chains that bind me. Be my own parent and raise me up again. The time I spent living alone healed me. Showed me a new path.

I respect her and understand her finally. I can pretend of showing some sort of “love” to her. But only because I found humanity out of the box she wanted me to be in.

If you are a parent ask yourself this:

Does my child loves me or does it “love” me?

If you are a child ask yourself this:

Does my parent deserve love or “love”?

Either way, everyone deserves some humanity.

Originally posted on Medium.