She Saved and Loved

To my 8 year twin:

This is the little bratty brat speaking. Hey sis. I'm writing this because I don't think that people appreciate or show they appreciate you, all that you do and all that you have done. So I'm gonna try my best to express that.

Our relationship started almost 40 years ago when I was born. I was your first Baby Alive Doll. And, from what I heard, you wanted to do everything in your 8 year old power to protect and nurture me and big bro. Even at that young age when you should have been worrying about the next She-Ra and Yogi Bear episode you were gonna watch, you had to grow up fast and protect me and big bro from some harsh realities.

Growing up in the epicenter of one of, if not the BIGGEST drug epidemics in NYC history, a lot of things hit close to home. You and big bro were at the age of understanding and I was at the age of innocent oblivion. I didn't realize at the time that you knew which family members were swept along with the monster plague, but you (mom and big bro) never made me feel uncomfortable about being around them. You made me focus on the fact that they loved me, despite their addiction eating them away.

It was just:

"Our crazy aunt has a lot of energy to play with us!" or

[Translation: auntie is high on crack and can't stay still.]

"Uncle is just going out to look for some work so he can buy us some goodies, so he'll be gone for a few days." or

[Translation: Uncle is gonna go on a drug binge for a few days.]

"Uncle is tired from working so hard all day, and he drank some juice to help him sleep." or

[Translation: Uncle passed out from drinking/shooting up/smoking.]

"Uncle ate something that messed up his stomach, so he has to get it out and its making him a little shaky." or

[Translation: Uncle is going through withdrawal symptoms.]

"That smell is his/her aftershave/cheap perfume." or

[Translation: That's alcohol coming through their pores.]

"He's just really tired, that's why his eyes are so red."

"They did something really bad and Grandma told them to go live somewhere else for a while."

[Translation: Someone is doing jail time.]

There are so many more ways that you kept me from worrying that I can't even count. Doing that made our difficult childhood a lot easier to handle. And that's not to mention the things that you went through at that time that I never knew until adulthood. You made sure that my focus stayed on being a kid and getting good grades not on the negativity that was constantly surrounding us.

By the time you hit 19, you had already made the decision to live independently. That was one of the hardest days of my life. Because despite having to share a room with 3 other sisters at the time, it felt safe and had a level of security that I didn't want to give up. I understood that as you grow older, you want to have your independence and therefore want to live on your own. But that doesn't mean I have to agree with it! LOL! But in the end I was happy for you. I was happy for myself for a couple reasons too. You moving out not only showed me that I would be fine when my time to be on my own came, but with the things I was going through (mentally, emotionally and physically) at the time, your place gave me a temporary escape. I had another place to go instead of inside my own mind or to that dark place I often found myself in.

Although at times it may have seemed like you were doing too much or were overbearing, whatever you did was always out of love and your natural want\need to protect. That was the type of energy you put out because you didn't always have that protection for yourself. At times I didn't think your protection was anything but annoying, but if you had not been the way you were, I might not even be here. That dark place that I went to sometimes, I felt like I couldn't come out of. And then you would pull me out. Don't even think you knew you did all the time either. But that's a story for another time.

Anyway, I said all of that to say "Thank you!" Thank you for being protective older sibling assistant mama bear! Thank you for getting on my nerves so much, it made me come home the way I was supposed to! Thank you for making me see that I am and always have been stronger than I believed I was! Thank you for helping me and my babies (your nieces and nephew) in our time of need, when I was at the (one of many) peak of mental and emotional stress, keeping us safe and calm. Thank you for holding my hand and wiping my tears when I needed someone to vent to.

I hope and pray that I can and may have done the same for you. I will always be there for you. I'll do my best to take care of you as you have done for me. I love you sis. Keep up the excellent work!

Love,

Your First Real Baby Alive Doll