Savage Daughter

I am my mother's savage daughter

The one who runs barefoot

Cursing sharp stones

I am my mother's savage daughter

I will not cut my hair

I will not lower my voice

~~~~~

The first time Sarah Hester Ross’ hauntingly beautiful song graced my ears, I was in the merciless grip of the deepest depression of my life.

My mother was more than the woman who bore me - she was my best friend, my moral compass, my guardian, and my guide through life and all it’s inherent mysteries and heartbreaks. Mental health struggles were nothing new to her; the life she’d had before my siblings and I was marked with tragedy and hardship. The same held true for the life she’d lived after I was brought into this world. The most wondrous thing about her was that no matter how many times she had to choose between giving us a good Christmas and keeping the electric on, she still found pleasure in the little things. No matter how many times I said harsh words that I immediately regretted, she always forgave me - no questions asked. Her sense of humor rivalled even the best of the comedians; even in the midst of heated arguments there would be fragile moments where giggles threatened because of some out of place word or random happening that risked breaking the tension.

Her kindness and strength in the face of insurmountable odds and incomprehensible suffering humbled me in ways that I sorely needed in order to grow into the better version of myself. In the midst of beating back her own demons, she did her best to shield us from ours. In late 2019 she died unexpectedly, of breathing complications. Mom was a habitual smoker, the only vice she ever allowed herself to try and cope with the strain of her less than ideal upbringing and the headache of having three headstrong children just as sharp and sarcastic as she was.

~~~

My mother's child is a savage

She looks for her omens in the colors of stones

In the faces of cats, in the falling of feathers

In the dancing of fire

In the curve of old bones

~~~

Her funeral was a semi-drunken affair filled with more laughter than tears, because it was more a celebration of life than a morose occasion to mourn her passing. It’s how she would have wanted it, you see. It was something of a lesson to me, as well - I started on my journey of self betterment long before this new year, though I have many miles to go before I feel I have reached even a fraction of the greatness of the women before my time. Mom always believed there was a reason for everything and I choose to believe that as well, though my atheist heart tends to rebel against that almost naive dangling carrot. After her passing I started to see my struggles and tribulations in a different light; where there were naught but tribulations and slights I saw simply challenges to overcome. Each new hill silhouetting my horizon was nothing more than an opportunity to prove my mettle.

~~~

My mother's child dances in darkness

She sings heathen songs

By the light of the moon

And watches the stars and renames the planets

And dreams she can reach them

With a song and a broom

~~~

I’d like to believe I was always on the right path but that’s simply not the case. Everyone loses their way eventually; after my mother passed I spiraled into an abyss. Without her light and laughter to guide me, I felt I had no other recourse than to simply dwell in darkness. And then I happened to come across this song on happenstance and it reminded me that above all else, I am my mother’s daughter and I will not be crushed by the expectations and tribulations of the world. Before she passed we’d been making plans to eat better, get more exercise, and overall better ourselves through mindful meditation and pursuit of knowledge. There were days we’d set aside to give back to the community, to spend in reflection of what we truly wanted out of life. My mother didn’t get the chance to enact this herself, but that doesn’t mean that I cannot.

I will put my past grievances to rest, as she did. I will slay my inner demons, as she did. I will find light and hope and truth in the beauty of the world as she did. I will choose peace and happiness, as she did. I will honor her last wish and take better care of myself - losing the excess weight, finding more time for my area of interest, and taking life one day at a time. Now more than ever I realize our days on this planet are numbered and what awaits us beyond is anyone’s guess...but while I’m here, I fully intend to live life to the fullest and leave the world a bit better for it…

As she did.

~~~

We are all brought forth out of darkness

Into this world, through blood and through pain

And deep in our bones, the old songs are waking

So sing them with voices if thunder and rain