Sad Little Tree

The thing I have noticed as I have gotten older is how crazy the holidays make us. They have become so stressful that they have lost much of their joy. This year that rings truer than ever.

I have been stressed about giving my new children a memorable and happy Christmas. Will I even be able to give them anything at all? Will they feel bad watching their cousins opening their gifts if they don’t have just as many? Will they be happy, or will they spend the day missing their mom and dad? The what ifs and questions are not making the stress any better. It has become so bad I'm literally making myself sick. I'm sure many parents can relate.

Looking at our little tree that we have because of the kindness of a stranger, I took a moment to reflect. It has big patches where the branches are no longer there and the angel on top has long ago lost her wings, but it is ours. We don’t see the flaws as much as we see how in one spot there are two ornaments right together because Elmo needed a gold present. Just looking at that little tree has me thinking back to when I was a kid and asked myself "what are my favorite holiday memories?"

One of my favorite is of a small trailer, where my mother, brother, and I were living. I remember being happy we were together and safe, having left my alcoholic father, yet again. We didn't have much, but we were happy.

Christmas that year was gifts from the Salvation Army and their donated turkey dinner. I don't remember the gifts but I do remember the love and the overwhelming happiness. My mom worked hard for us and even though we didn't get mountains of gifts, we had a great Christmas.

Some of my very best memories are making fudge and sugar cookies with my brother and our mom. Then spending what seemed like hours decorating them, and of course eating them. I remember how fun it was to make the frosting and color it ourselves. I can also remember how my mom showed me how to tell when the fudge was ready to take off the stove. The smell of vanilla still makes me smile and think of those days. I'm sure it didn't cost much to make the cookies or the fudge, but it was worth so much more to me.

I also remember the laughter. We didn't always have that in our home, but my mom went above and beyond during the holidays to make sure happiness was a big part of our festivities. We didn't appreciate it then, but now it's what I remember the most.

I only hope that despite our sad little tree and lack of a multitude of gifts, the kids will remember the happiness and joy we had just being together. We have had a long year filled with a lot of tears and uncertainty. Years from now when they look back, I hope this will be among their favorite Christmas memories.

I'm trying to just focus on the fun parts I remember from the holidays. My stress is better and I am finding more joy than I thought possible. I have done all I can to bring that sense of laughter and love into our home this year.

So to quote Linus, "I never thought it was a bad little tree. It's not bad at all, really, maybe it just needs a little love." Love is the one thing I have an endless supply of.