Raising Kids but Not Being with the Other Parent

Co-parenting.... Can it be fun or can it be a nightmare? It's what you choose it to be honestly. This is a little inside information on what it was like for my family during the past few years.

So, we have two boys. Ages ten and seven. They are my everything and then some. I prayed for boys. I knew that if I had a girl we would not get along. I'm a tomboy at heart. I like to play rough and enjoy the outdoors as much as possible. I knew that if I had a girl she would remind me of my mother and that was going to be an issue. Not saying I hate my mom, we just don't have a good relationship and you can find out why in other blogs that I've posted. However, let's get back to business.

Their dad and I are cordial. Very cordial now, compared to just three years ago. Yes, we still argue at times and yes, I still can't stand it when his girlfriend of seven years still sticks her nose into conversations that don't pertain to her at all but we are cordial. We can be conversational. We decided on this after years of going back and forth. Always fighting and it would happen in front of the kids. We saw it starting to affect the behavior of our boys and we wanted to raise them in a positive environment, regardless if it would be with us being together or us living our lives apart.

Now, let me give you a little backstory on why we didn't get along very well. We had our first son in 2007 and three years later our second love joy was on his way. However, he accused me of cheating and it wasn't his kid etc. Here's the icing on the cake, when I was scheduled to have my C-section for the second kid, he didn't stay for the birth of his son. He dropped off his disabled mom and a baby photo album of himself, left her there in my waiting room and walked out like nothing was taking place. At that moment, I didn't know who to call or who to trust so I just sat in my bed and prayed that everything would be great for my children in this lifetime. He was in another relationship at the time and she was crazy! So crazy I ended up having hospital security at my door for 72 hours straight. Well that's all going to be in another blog so keep reading!

Year after year we had to figure out how to work on our relationship so that our kids would be happy. We had both moved on into other situations and we knew that we would never be together again. However, we had to work on ourselves so that our kids would be able to be happy with both parents. We decided to talk to each other face to face and not have our spouses involved in the conversation. To be honest, that's where so many issues came into play. Allowing people that were with us but not with us to have their comments on what we should be doing. He would allow his girlfriend to talk for hours about what she feels needs to be done however, she has one kid and his dad died years before all of this started happening, so she's raised her kid alone. Never having to deal with the other parent or his family. My spouse doesn't have any kids of his own so therefore, he didn't know how to assist in any matter when it came down to the boys. He would feel inclined to give his piece on it and I would decline anything from him because mentally, he couldn't support me or the fact of what we were going through.

At the end of the day, are the kids happy? You don't have to be madly in love with the other parent as long as together you two can raise the child or children together in a safe environment. They don't have to be under the same roof as the both of you at all. However, you as an adult to start with must take the time to understand that it's not a constant battle or competition between you and the other parent in who is the better parent. It only creates more issues than you want to handle. My kids' father tried that with them. He would buy them pricey things like brand new shoes that would be close to $200 worth and games. He's taken them to Florida two times in the past two years. Our oldest son plays baseball for a city that is a three-hour drive away from us so one day out of the week he drives three hours to take him to practice and then on weekends, he stays in that city from Friday night until Sunday evening in expensive hotels and rental cars just to try to impress our son and the people around him.

I don't do any of that. I cook them three meals a day, feed snacks, and allow them to have friends over in their space to play with toys and whatever game system they have. We shop online for deals on shoes that might be 40 bucks. They wear clothes from Walmart unless I can get them on sale during tax free weekend or something like that. They keep haircuts and they stay up to date on shots and dental appointments. They are blessed to live in a decent part of town with friends that have parents just like myself and my current spouse. They will come home from a weekend with him and say to me "Mom, we are happy to be home! Our own bedrooms and we know you are cooking a good meal for dinner tonight"

I have to express to him over and over again, they want you! They don't want the Jordan's and the Under-Armor clothing. They want quality time with their dad. They want you to sit on the floor for hours with chips and hot wings while playing NBA2K18. That's all they want. He will listen to me for a few weeks and then go right back to his antics of having to prove himself to the kids. You don't have to do that if you stay yourself daily with them. Remember, it's not a competition between parents at all.