Providing Shoulders

After being an uncle for many years, I thought parenthood would be easy. I was so naive. I had yet to change a diaper, be truly thrown up on (not spit up), and I had no idea what it truly meant to be called Dad. After becoming a dad, I have read up on my responsibilities, and it seems Fredrick Backman really has a good idea on the concept of being a father. His most famous novel may be A Man Called Ove, but his other books are excellent sources of parenting advice. In Us Against You, Backman has a quote that is always with me as a dad. “What does it take to be a good parent? Not much. Just everything. Absolutely everything.”

There are days where I certainly do not feel like a good father. There are days I make mistakes, but if I am living up to Mr. Backman’s advice, then I am doing it right. Some nights I need to go to bed right after the kids because I am so exhausted. Those are the days where I know I have given everything.

Other days, I do something for myself, or I stay late at the office. Frederick Backman quotes hit me hard on those days. “Being a mother (father) can be like … mending a roof: it takes time, sweat, and money, and once it’s done everything looks exactly the same as it did before. It’s not the sort of thing anyone gives you praise for. But spending an extra hour in the office is like hanging up a beautiful painting or a new lamp: everyone notices.”

I admit I was a bit of an attention seeker growing up, but being a good parent is the exact opposite. Staying home from work to get thrown up on all day does not catch anyone's attention. There are usually no witnesses to extra efforts by parents. However, if you are giving absolutely everything as a parent, the attention of the outside world is unnecessary. Suddenly, you get that extra smile from your son or daughter, or he or she scrapes their knee and comes running to you for comfort. Then you know your extra effort is not lost.

At one point, I took a break from reading Fredrick Backman and stumbled upon Michael Ondaatje. Another truly gifted writer, Mr. Ondaatje gave me one of my favorite quotes for this point in my life in a book called Anil’s Ghost. He said, “We need parents when we’re old too.” Parenting is not something that stops when our kids turn eighteen, and I have been fortunate enough to have my parents involved well beyond me turning eighteen. Getting advice in college, marriage, and now parenting, I have been fortunate to have good counsel from great parents.

Of course Fredrick Backman says good things about parenting through the years as well. “Because that was a parent’s job: to provide shoulders. Shoulders for your children to sit on when they’re little so they can see the world, then stand on when they get older so they can reach the clouds, and sometimes lean against whenever they stumble and feel unsure.”

Not only do I hope to continue to give everything I have as a dad, I hope to grow stronger shoulders for my children to use as they age. So what is a father figure supposed to be like? Luckily, it is not a one size fits all job. Instead a good parent just needs a shoulder to lean on sometimes or ears to listen or a good sense of humor to lighten the mood. There are many things my dad is good at, and some might not list my favorite trait first. But I enjoy his ability to make those around us laugh or smile. Certainly he has done many things for me, but I really enjoy watching him make his grandkids smile. Happy Father’s Day.