Pressure

It’s 12:34am and I cannot sleep. I suddenly feel like punching a brick wall repeatedly until my hands bleed. I’m not sure what happened. Just earlier today I was smiling and laughing with my newest students at my part time teaching position. Even three hours ago, I cheerfully taught my adult ESL class – that I scheduled and planned on my own, to a kind and receptive couple. Now, there is a ball in my chest and my jaw is still clenched.

I made two fatal mistakes. The first mistake I made was accepting every possible job that was thrown my direction in December when our joint money got short. The second, less intense but still important, mistake was drinking coffee at 5:30pm. Now I am a bundle of nerves.

I am already at my breaking point; and it has only been a week of me being “on,” after my hiatus due to my car accident and subsequent stress induced mental health issues. I think I am punishing myself for taking a break, as I feel the need to make up for lost time. I have fallen right back into the trap that I worked for a few months to dig myself out of.

Honestly, I’m worse now than I have been in years. Since October I have gained 20 pounds. In January, once all five of my part time jobs started, I have only exercised when I got paid to, which has been once a week for 45 minutes. I used to do Zumba three times a week, which not only regulated my weight, but also my mood. At this point, I feel like food and Encanto related videos are my only friends. Both of these are good in moderation, but in excess they can be quite dangerous.

My children and I had weekly routines, which I established in 2020 once the pandemic hit. When school started back again, we modified the routines – but still managed to implement some of them. Now, all that happens is that when they get home – I am working. After they get home, they spend time with my husband. Then two or three hours later, I am working again.

I quit my teaching job so that I could be more present for my family, yet here I am failing to be there for them. I wanted to maintain my mental health – because the school I worked at was quite toxic, but here I am at my wits end, without any assistance from anyone else. I did this to myself (for the family but to myself). I hate that I have no energy to put towards my own initiatives because I am working for others. Even so, I also know that I need to contribute to my household’s income, which means I need a consistent job. Sometimes I wonder if I should/ could go back to teaching – but then I see that teachers are more stressed than ever.

I am not sure what changes I can make to my schedule because I am already stressed. Maybe going from zero to 100 in three days is not the best life choice. All I know is that I need to do something differently than what I am used to doing. My status quo is completely unhealthy.

I am going to take a nice hard look at my schedule and make some time for myself each day. Then I am going to take the same schedule and make sure I block out time to be present for my children and my husband. As of right now, I just feel like a broken vessel.

I hope that what I am feeling is just the weight of the adjustment. I hope that somehow, I will be able to find an equilibrium, where I can provide my family with what they need from me and replenish my time and energy so that I don’t burn out. For now, I am going to try to sleep so I can wake in five and a half hours to take my children to school.